My SIL is pissing my DM off. Should I tell her?

[Rainatnight]

My DM has taken against my SIL. Thinks she's inconsiderate, treats the house like a hotel, is tight, etc.

I can see some truth in her criticisms, though I also think SIL is kind, fun, a good mum to my niece and makes my DB happy.

My DM can be quite critical generally and does 'take against' people. Once you get on her wrong side, it's quite hard to get back! And it's been a hard time for us as a family as my DF died a few months ago, so obviously DM isn't in great form more generally.

Should I say anything to my SIL? I'm really wrestling with this. If it were me, I think I'd want to know. But at the same time, it's pretty sensitive and my DB in particular may think my DM should just suck it up.

I am trying to gently push back when my DM says things to me against SIL, including pointing out where it's actually DB who's at fault!

Does SIL live in DM's house?

No don't tell the SIL.

Ask you mum if she wants to force her son and family to abandon her.

Tell her that if this happens and she loses contact with her grand children it will be down to her.

No it’s not your place and I am sure she will get the message another way. Don’t do your mothers dirty work for her. She wants that.

In the meantime be firm with your mother. When she starts just say you don’t want to talk about SIL behind her back. If she continues, excuse yourself.

Don't tell SIL. What would it gain?

seven No, but they stay with her for chunks of time a few times a year. Live abroad the rest of the time.

I’m not sure it would do any good?

If it would involve your SIL changing her personality then she would be unlikely to achieve that.

If your mum often blames your SIL for things that aren’t even her fault it sounds like your mum has developed an irrational disliking, so even if your SIL managed to change her behaviour your DM isn’t likely to change her opinion.

It seems like the problem lies with your mother, so if you are to speak to anybody it should be her.

No don’t tell her. Shit stiring.

By all means talk sense into your mum

Don’t, the relationship between your DM and SIL is their business.

Nope. Nothing to do with you. Your mum has a voice doesn’t she? She can say something herself.

No, she will think you and DM were bitching about her behind her back. Which I personally don't have an issue with, everybody does it whether they admit to it or not, but it's just bad manners to let the person know that you've been.

they stay with her for chunks of time a few times a year. Live abroad the rest of the time
Do they pay for food, rent and bills and now council tax (seeing as she will lose her single person discount for the time they are living with her)?
Do they do their share around the house?

If any of that isn't happening then they need to stop taking the piss and rent their own accommodation for when they are here.

She needs to speak to your brother about this, not use sil as a scapegoat.
Just stay out of it otherwise you'll get drawn in and probably lose your good relationship with sil.

Is your DM the type to ask people/give people permission to do something then take offence when they do it?

E.g. has she refused offers of money from your DB and SIL and now complains they take her for granted? Or refused offers to do housework, cook meals etc from them and now accuses them of treating her house like a hotel?

I have a feeling no one wins with your mother and that SIL is the latest in a long line of 'villains'.

I was once the SIL. Our circumstances had me, my DH and two DC living with MIL for 2 months. It was aweful. I did everything I was asked, I followed her rules despite paying more than half her mortgage to live there, went above and beyond and did everything DH and his younger DB wouldn't do to avoid conflict and I still would get the cold shoulder, the blame and the abuse. No one ever stuck up for me, told me what was going on or helped me. Two years later I have found out from my NEW SIL (Not around at the time of living there) that my MIL thought I was lazy, a big spender, a horrible parent blah blah blah, still raging about it two years later!!!!! And saying she likes the distance she has created between me and my children. I tried for two years to try fix whatever was broken and clear the air and make sure there was a relationship still despite the fall out. I was absolutely devastated that this was her opinion. I wish someone had told me sooner and saved me the turmoil. My MH is much better off now.