Unequal Pay.

[Fromablokespoint]

I earn far more than my partner (live separately, no joint financial commitments).
She really dislikes me paying for more than what she perceives as her share, an example being want to go out tonight but she says she is "brassic" after Christmas and can not afford it. I have absolutely no issues with paying but cannot convince her otherwise.
Any wisdom on here?

Accept what she says?

Yep, that is the answer, but not the one I'm looking for
Stubborn us blokes.

So you want to know how to convince her that her values are wrong.

Good luck with that.

I may have come across as flippant, I respect and understand her values. It is not a case of me wanting to do something but wanting to do something together. Looking for advice really on how people have managed this without a pride or feeling of being beholden issue.

The simple answer is to not do it but I really want to take her to see something.
Difficult I know and if circumstances were reversed I would probably react the same way.

I understand, it does seem a bit OTT. We just go on the notion that if / when it’s the other way round they will do the same. Part of being in a relationship is doing nice things for each other, unless you are trying to pay for something really expensive I don’t see the issue. What about say you pay this time and she pays another time when she has more money?

Tough one. Try to do something cheaper? (e.g. buying ingredients to cook rather than going out for a meal).
Could try the occasional lie about the origin of any treat -- "work colleague was getting rid of these unwanted tickets"?? Of course, that won't work very often, or if too specific!

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Special pedantry points for those spotting it should be written boracic. (see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boracic_lint).

It’s a tough one and speaking as someone who has had exes on both sides of the fence (one leeched off me, another was hugely independent and wouldn’t take a penny), everyone has their own opinion of what is ‘fair’ when there’s a substantial imbalance in earnings.

Some people think it’s fair that both partners pay equal amounts towards things.

Others would say that it’s fair that both parents contribute a similar percentage of earnings towards things - so if one earns more, they will pay more.

There’s really no right or wrong method, but what is important is that each person understands, respects and agrees with the method they decide upon or usually go for. So in this instance I think you need to respect your partners wishes despite your capacity to be able to afford it, she clearly places importance on contributing equally.

My partner and I are similar to you, we live apart but I earn more now. When I was at uni he was willing to pay more and now we are pretty much 50/50.

I'm not sure how often you go out specially but if you go out once a week maybe talk with her and let her know you'd like it to be your treat every 2nd week or something like that. Not sure that will work but an idea?

I had a boyfriend who came from a lot of money, and I’m very much a 50-50 type. I felt bad being treated all of the time, but eventually he sat me down and explained that he liked these things, he enjoyed me being there and never considered it going ‘on my tab’ or whatever — that the money just wasn’t a big deal to him the way it was to me, so I was making it this massive I owe you thing when he literally didn’t give it a second thought. I could see that he was being honest with me, and he never used his wealth as leverage or acted like I owed him anything. I showed him my love in different ways, and when we split it was super amicable, never even mentioned. You’re adults. Have a conversation about it.

You need to have a discussion with her. Agree to 'host' your own night out. So you can take her out, and pay for it, and you get to choose something in your budget. She gets to host and can either do it at home and prepare a meal and buy some drinks, or choose somewhere inexpensive to take you out. This is a much fairer 50:50.

I had an ex who was very wealthy when i was a.skint student. I felt the same as her and if he snuck around to pay I'd get very annoyed (eg. I'd want to pay half a meal, come back from toilet he would've already paid!) I suggest little things like cinema, you buy tickets she brings the snacks. So at least you are doing something together but it's not too much money to feel guilty

I agree that this just needs to be discussed as in, I want to do these things, can afford it and I want you there with me! Make it clear it won’t be held against them or used as leverage.