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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help 😭

14 replies

Kiwi36 · 04/01/2019 11:58

My partner a few years a go helped a lesbian couple to have a child .. the woman fell pregnant straight away a few months later i fell pregnant but miscarried ..i didnt tell my partner at the time as i didnt want to burst his happiness at the time i kept it to myself for months .. when i told him his first words were did you get rid of it 😭 he then said the test was a false positive i done loads of tests at different times and they all came back positive .. my partner got invited to a big do on the invitation it had plus 1 not even my name i spoke to child and carried on with the child and they took it that i was fixated on the child which wasnt the case ..im not good at socialising and i was bored ..i was only there to support my partner ..a row broke out with the 2 ladies and myself saying they didnt want people knowing that my partner fathered their child which i never opened my mouth anyways .. they always treat my partner like shit but he cant see it .. they both treated me like shit yet he still talks to them still likes/ loves the child pictures as well as their pictures on facebook and its ripping me to shreds that he can acknowledge that child but not the one we lost

OP posts:

Qcng · 04/01/2019 12:05

This whole situation sound utterly toxic.

Your DP sounds horrid for saying those things to you about your miscarriage, on top of you not telling him, I know it's in the past but touch should have shown him the positive at the time for goodness sake.
The lesbian couple shouting at you, did he back you up?

Can you not just get away from this situation?

Personally, I couldn't be with aam who fathered another woman's child. They could have gone to an anonymous sperm doner if they wanted the father to remain anonymous. So he'll be seeing this child all over the place and not be able to say he's the father? How awful.

Qcng · 04/01/2019 12:06

^you not touch
^a man not aam

MMmomDD · 04/01/2019 12:12

OP - you have complex issues with miscarriage and jealousy.
If you want to stay and make this relationship work - you need to find a way to deal with them.
Have you tried counselling?

It’s normal that the couple doesn’t want to make public the source of sperm. It’s their choice, and presumably, they made it clear to your partner.
Its probably natural that you felt a little jealous/fixated on the child - as being fathered by the same sperm the child was a reminder of what you lost.

Its totally normal that he continues to be friends with the couple and likes the pictures of his child. Eden if you feel that they aren’t nice to him.
In reality - most likely - they are just being protective of their boundaries.

I don’t know what acknowledging the child that you miscarried means. Early pregnancy miscarriages don’t mean as much to men as they do to women. And it’s easier for him to imagine that maybe it was all a mistake.

Original poster

Kiwi36 · 04/01/2019 13:06

I am not jealous of the child or them what a thing to say when it was me that suffered a miscarriage and dealt with it on my own .. he asked my permission to be a sperm donar for them yet your making me out to be the bad one i kept my miscarriage a secret so i wasnt overshadowing their happiness only reason i spoke to child and carried on with her was to give the couple time to spend with one another that was it cause no one else was bothering with child i dont care who knows or doesnt know about what my partner has done for them .. they have always took the cunt out of him picking him up when they need him but other way about they werent to be seen then to treat me like crap for no reason at all is a bit underhanded

OP posts:

MrsAndrewEldritch · 04/01/2019 13:08

Oh for gods sake. Give jeremy kyle a call.

Original poster

Kiwi36 · 04/01/2019 13:11

He wasnt around when they were shouting at me i told him what happened when we went home .. i dont know what was said between them he said he spoke to them .. i got blocked on social media and found out recently that one of them has unblocked me .. to find out that my partner is still loving all the pictures when he said he didnt care about them but just me and our family

OP posts:

Gazelda · 04/01/2019 13:14

It must have been very tough dealing with the miscarriage on your own. In hindsight, do you think it would have been better for your relationship if you'd been open about it with your partner?
I agree with other posters that you sound envious of the child - underststandably. The relationship between you and the parents of the child sounds very difficult. Can you try to keep a distance while your DP remains involved if it suits him and the couple?
I think some couples counselling might help you both in this quite complicated situation.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2019 13:19

It sounds like you underestimated the emotional impact that him choosing to donate sperm would have on you. It’s entirely normal, really, for him to want to have some connection with the child (in terms of engaging with photos on FB etc) and also normal that child’s parents don’t want you to tell people who the child’s biological father is if they’ve opted not to.

In terms of “acknowledging” your child - he probably doesn’t feel much emotion about a lost early pregnancy which he didn’t know anything about at the time. As you chose to keep it private, I’m not sure you can expect him to suddenly begin to feel something now.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you can continue the relationship, knowing that this child and it’s parents will always have some presence in your lives.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2019 13:22

And these friends treating your husband, in your view, badly, is really nothing for you to get yourself involved in. If he doesn’t like it, it’s for him to sort out with them. You might offer detached support if he tells you about something they’ve done which he dislikes, but otherwise best keep your oar out.

Original poster

Kiwi36 · 04/01/2019 13:23

Tell me how i could have told him about the miscarriage when he only found a few days prior that she had fell pregnant? And what is it with everyone saying im envious of the child why is no one getting this
My partner should have stuck up for me when i done nothing wrong whether i spoke to the child or not i still would have been in the wrong .
They hated me from the beginning of the relationship with my partner when ive done everything to be friends with them
I even ran about after them also making sure their things were looked after so they didnt vanish
They treat my partner like shite only acknowledge him when they want something when he needs them its a big fuck you .. is that fair
He should have stuck up for me when i done no wrong he should have had my back !

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2019 13:25

Why do you need to engage with this couple? It doesn’t sound like they’re your friends, nor that he plays an enormous role in the child’s life. Just treat them as any other friends of his you might not like and don’t socialise with or contact them. It’s not so difficult.

Original poster

Kiwi36 · 04/01/2019 13:27

I told him a few months later about the miscarriage i didnt want to over shadow their news thats why i didnt say anything !! When i did he asked if i got rid
Relationships your other half is suppose to stick up for you not make you feel your fighting yourself

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2019 13:30

I think you need to accept that, on this particular issue at least, he is not going to “stick up for you”. Maybe he thinks you behaved badly. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. Who knows.

In that basis, is this something you can work through (perhaps as a PP said in couple counselling)? If not, it doesn’t sound like a sustainable relationship.

Chaoticpenguin · 04/01/2019 16:18

If you didn’t like them then you shouldn’t of agreed for the OH to be a sperm donar! They could of got nasty and still could and claimed maintaince! What if they split up etc. Really strange situation. This shouldn’t of happened tbh! You don’t sound jealous at all and I totally get why you didn’t tell him about the mc at the time. His reaction to the news is shit and shows his true colours.
He seems to want more from the couple and basically his son. I think this will end in tears. He has the kid on a pedastool and I can see why. But in being a donar he should have understood that this arrangement means the child is not his but legal advice and contracts should have been drawn up prior. I wonder if you both went on to have a child where they would stand with him as the child now is his first and he seems infactuated. Your child together eventually may be second best or may not but if it was me I would actually have never agreed and if I had would have legal contracts in place. As it is now I would have to leave as I couldn’t cope with this mess and the thought of bringing a child into the world with him like he is would fill me with worry as I honestly wouldn’t know how it would affect him and wouldn’t want my child coming second best to a child that actually shouldn’t be his.
Xxx

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