19yo DD pregnant with controlling boyfriend

[Alex2110]

Posting in behalf of friend, hopefully in the right topic section.
Her DD is 19yo at uni full time. She lives away from home.
She has a serious boyfriend who is not a student. They have been together for approx a year and she has just told my friend that she is approx 9 weeks pregnant.
My friend has taken the news very calmly and will support her daughter in whatever her decision. However, she has had serious concerns about the controlling nature of her relationship with her boyfriend.
He is not a student but is from the city where she is studying. He has moved into her shared accommodation and my friend strongly suspects that her DD is subsidising his partying lifestyle. He has been unfaithful. She rarely comes home and it's difficult for my friend to have a telephone conversation with her DD without the boyfriend listening in the background.
My friend has been careful not to be critical of the relationship as she is very worried that her DD will cut contact altogether.
Her DD spends a lot of time with his family and they knew about the pregnancy prior to my friend and want her to continue with the pregnancy. They have said that they can live with them.
My friend is really concerned that her DD is being pressured by the boyfriends family. She is visiting her to try to talk to her DD but any advice about how best to handle this difficult situation would be greatly appreciated. My friend will support her daughter whatever she chooses to do but wants her to be aware of all options.

Daughter is an adult, so there’s very little she can do other than:

• remain close, keep the relationship going and don’t do anything that’ll jeopardise it like trying to convince her to leave him

• give her the details for an abuse counselling service and tell her that she’ll always be there for her no matter what

She is an adult but god when I look back on myself at that age now - no where near an adult. What's her daughters personality like? Is she confident and strong? Or is she someone who could be controlled and manipulated? How far away from her home town is she? I agree with the above, your friend may have to put a brave face on, if he is controlling her and he catches wind mum isnt happy he'll only push her away. I think a good honest conversation one on one, suggesting all her options without pushing anything in particular on her, and reassuring her she'll look after her with whatever she goes with. (If abortion, your friend would pay for her to do it privately, take her there, come stay at home etc)

She should encourage her daughter to use the university's counselling service and any other student support services that are available.

I think that's all she can do, apart from try and see/speak to her daughter privately, but even then it doesn't sound as if there's a lot she can say. The daughter is very influenced by the boyfriend and her family and she'll need to reach her own conclusions about the situation, which she can only really do with the support of a counsellor as they are trained and impartial.

the boyfriend and his family

What will happen to her studying?

She needs to get her DD on her own and see if she's really happy about the pregnancy. I'd want to know if it was planned... and support my DD in a termination if that's what she wanted

I'd ask DD how it was going to work financially... is she happy living with inlaws...as that can be stressful on a relationship.

She won't get a proper view of how her DD feels while the BF is there.

If she can get out for a coffee with her alone ... not criticise and speak calmly... letting DD know she'll always be there for her...that's all she can do.

I would say she is easily influenced. She is on anti depressants and has struggled with being away from home. She doesn't participate in student life socially, only with her boyfriends friends. I believe she was on waiting list for counselling but whether she had an appt/ attended, I don't know.
I do think her depression was triggered in some part by the boyfriends behaviour though.
Financially, my friend supports her (as well as student loans) and she has a part time job. I doubt she would be able to continue with her studies. She has over two years left. Her boyfriend is a labourer so low earning. However, they both have expensive tastes so the reality of supporting a family financially will be a real shock. My friend was a working single parent so can convey the difficulties to her. She is over two hours away from her home town so my friend couldn't help with childcare if she chose to stay there.

Has the daughter spoken to her GP? She could ask her GP about pregnancy choices counselling or call BPAS/Marie Stopes. And she could contact the counselling service that she's already on the waiting list for, to ask if she could be seen more quickly due to the urgency of the situation now.