DH doesn't listen to me

[Arkengarthdale]

Hi all

I read these boards and am so impressed with a lot of the advice and support offered and now find myself in need of some for myself.

We are late 50s, been together since early 40s, no children. Early in our relationship I had an issue with DH not listening to me, tuning me out when I was talking. He and his dad and brother did this with his mum as she prattled nonsense constantly, almost never stopped talking. I thought it was learned behaviour, he doesn't have much interaction with women in a day to day basis and hadn't been in a relationship for years when we met. Anyway, it seemed to get sorted out.

Recently though it's started up again with him just not listening. I have to repeat almost everything I say. It drives me up the wall to be ignored, it's the one thing that really gets me, and he knows this but still does it.

I'm currently not working as I'm struggling to find work in our depressed rural area. I have confidence problems and it's not helping being rejected over and over again.

My DH knows that being ignored hurts and humiliated me, but 'forgets' to listen when I speak. I got really cross with him last night after yet another incidence of his ignoring me (along the lines of the cup on the side story) and he told me we should think about splitting up as he's obviously not good enough for me.

I thought I was secure enough to be able to call out poor behaviour when it happens but apparently I'm not. He tells me I've ruined things now and he needs me to go and visit a friend to give him some space. He can't take time out because he's working and paying all my bills, so I'm the one who needs to spend a few days away.

I think I just need a handhold. Sorry it's boring 😢

Bullying shitbag - he's basically punishing you for being 'bad' by pointing out his shortcoming. He's hoping if he mentions splitting up and sends you away for a few days you'll realise your (non-existent) error, and come scuttling back all meek and biddable.

Unless you were abusive or threatening then your best response is probably just to calmly explain that no, asking your husband to pay attention when you're talking is not unreasonable or cause for a divorce and what needs to happen is that he needs to think about how his behaviour is impacting on you. He doesn't need you to leave in order to do that.

Have you talked to him about his inattentiveness and asked him whether he's ignoring you by choice, physically not hearing you, or finding it hard to stop thinking about other things?

Are you sure that he isn't developing deafness. My mum and step dad are always arguing about this but he is getting deafer and deafer and won't admit it.

If he's not he's being an absolute dick. You don't forget to listen to someone.

I think he is starting to have hearing problems. I have asked him to get his hearing checked but he 'forgets'. I have a bit of a problem with doing all the 'wife work' and he knows this. I worked away from home for a couple of years and insisted I wouldn't be finding him a cleaner, arranging online shopping etc when I was away as we are both grown ups.

He is very stressed with work but I don't think that gives him an out to ignore my needs.

Thanks for responses.

Mumonashoestring yes I've asked him about his inattentiveness. I did it gently at first, joking he'd lived alone so long he'd forgotten how to listen. But that was over 10 years ago now (it was true, he had forgotten how to listen!). So this time I gently reminded him of this (I've recently returned home from working away) but it's just getting worse. The two weeks off over Christmas has made it very plain 😕

he told me we should think about splitting up as he's obviously not good enough for me
He's right - he's not good enough for you.
Tell him to go to his friends as you also need some space to understand what you want for your future.
I honestly couldn't live like this!
It would drive me insane.

Oh hell

I am that invisible overweight middle aged woman who doesn't count. Even to my own husband.

No wonder I feel a bit shit

Thanks ally