Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Mid-thirties casual dating

20 replies

DitaVonPeas · 04/01/2019 11:34

Back story: I'm mid-thirties, two preschool age children, broke up with their father last year and thinking maybe this year I'll brave a bit of super casual dating, just for the odd evening of pleasant company really.

So what's it like out there for a woman in my position? I imagine most around my age looking for "the one" or the person to start a family with; that won't be me. I guess there are still a few players, although not as many as when I was dating in my twenties perhaps? And then maybe single parents like me; are there many men around in this position who weren't the arseholes responsible for the breakups of their relationships??

I guess it's just been so long since I've dated I don't know what to expect... but imagining what it will be like is really helping me move forwards and look forward to the year ahead. Any insight as to what I might expect would be appreciated - thank you!

OP posts:

tootruetoyou · 04/01/2019 13:50

My advice would be to meet up with anyone you like sooner rather than later. Do not get into endless text conversations. They are not real but they build a false sense of intimacy and then it is all the harder when they ghost or things don't progress. Good luck x

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2019 14:26

Firstly - what do you mean by “casual”? You need to be clear in your own head what your interpretation of that is and what you want the men you date to interpret it as. You need to align your expectations. This is important. To me - and most people I know and who date casually - it means non-exclusive, no commitment, you live your life and I’ll live mine, sometimes we’ll get together for dates and activities and sex and we might hang out with each other’s friends sometimes, but a mutual expectation that there is no “goal” beyond this and it will never progress into a relationship.

I find it relatively easy, straightforward and good fun, and I’ve yet to meet an asshole. However, I’m child-free, London-based and very definite and clear about what I’m looking for from the off. Children will obviously limit who and when you can meet, and some men will be deterred by your lack of availability. Being unclear (to yourself and to others) about what you are looking for will make you more vulnerable to meeting people who will either mess you around or just not take very good care of your feelings.

Josuk · 04/01/2019 14:41

You won’t have problems with casual dating. It’s the opposite - women your age find dating hard and stressful because they need to pair up and have kids.
Not having that need will make things easier.

Get yourself online. Tinder is probably easiest. Bumble, etc
And have fun.

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 14:42

If it's just a bit of fluff and fun you're looking for, you might just as well date a player or known cheat: their tactics are not going to bother you - in fact they are more likely to be on the same page.

Whowouldathunkit · 04/01/2019 15:08

You'll have a blast!

Perfect age, you can choose from men your own age, twenty somethings who want an older woman and also fortysomethings who want a younger woman.

Teaandtoastie · 04/01/2019 15:43

I was in a similar position. I decided I’d only date men who had DC- I wanted someone who liked/understood what it was like to have young kids but didn’t want any more of their own as I definitely didn’t! I used a couple of different online dating sites and mostly met perfectly nice lovely people, just not right for me. Had a couple of short relationships, then finally met DP who was like me- mid thirties, divorced with kids similar age. 4 years on and we’re moving in together

I actually found the chatting online bit, looking through profiles etc quite fun. My advice would be chat a bit and get to know people before you meet them, but not for too long- I had one guy who I chatted to for weeks before we finally met up, just due to logistics of childcare etc. Felt like we’d really got to know each other but then when we met there was zero chemistry.

Fairylea · 04/01/2019 15:47

I did this when I was divorced and ended up having a really good time with a few younger men in their early 20s. Go for it.

(And eventually I met now dh who is 8 years younger than me and we’ve been together nearly 10 years now)!

NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 15:49

"Casual dating" to most people means FWB arrangements. Is that what you're after?

Original poster

DitaVonPeas · 04/01/2019 15:52

Thank you so much for the encouragement, I really am pleased to finally be focusing on good things that can come from becoming rather unexpectedly single. This time last year I would never have thought in a million years this is where I'd be and it's taken me 9 months to even start to come to terms with it, but now I just want to look forwards, so... here goes

Comtesse I always liked meeting new people, hearing their stories, telling them mine, having a drink and flirting my ass off. I'd like to see if that woman's still in there once I kick off my slippers and take down my mum-bun - I reckon she is. I'm not even imagining anything beyond the first or second meeting... I'm sort of cringing writing this but do respectable grown women use hook-up sites? Do respectable, grown MEN use them??

ravenmum the problem I have with amoral fuckers is I don't think they deserve the pleasure of my company. So if I could only hope to meet obvious arseholes I wouldn't get the good time I was looking for. I don't mind the childless players so much but men who gamble their family's happiness for their own gratification get nothing from me.

Now I need to work out how the hell I'm going to rustle up a profile picture. Every single picture from the last few years is of me in "mum" mode, and I wouldn't know where to start with a selfie

OP posts:

Original poster

DitaVonPeas · 04/01/2019 15:54

Is that what you're after?

Honestly? I don't really care if we're friends...

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 16:08

I'm not in the UK but in my experience everyone uses online dating sites, from people wanting affairs to people searching for the love of their life, marriage and children. There's not even much difference between the sites - there are few that are purely for sex here.

I'm far more cynical than you, Dita, and don't think that some people are cheats and some not. To me, not having cheated just means they have not cheated yet - not proof that they will never do it. (Not that everyone cheats, just that you simply can't tell who will.)

Original poster

DitaVonPeas · 04/01/2019 16:12

I think you're very right actually raven, and I do agree with you about there not being "cheats" and "not cheats". I suppose it's just as a result of my recent break-up that I can't conscience being the "prize" some guy wins for having fucked over a wife and kids. I couldn't do it to the woman I think.

So perhaps it's not whether they're cheats or not, but that I don't want to feel like they're rewarded for any recent poor behavior. If it was a long time ago or yet to happen, I can live with that. You've really got me thinking about it, it's interesting, thank you!

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 16:21

Yes, I see what you mean. And I wouldn't want to be someone's current affair, definitely. Plenty of men looking for affairs online - many openly, which is a good thing in my books, so you can avoid them.

YellowStickRoad · 04/01/2019 17:06

Casual dating is quite easy and fun, actually though you'll find quite a few men on dating sites are clear they do not want hook-ups! You can try bumble etc.

If you're worrying too much about someone's back story then it won't work - you're looking for fun and fwb, so you don't need to know and agree with their life history. Also a bit sexist to assume men are the only ones who are responsible for marriages ending.

I just establish that they aren't married or in a relationship currently and they meet my criteria of being fun, bright and attractive to me. I did try an nsa type hook up site once and yes, there were loads of dodgy married men looking for sex also very perverted type guys and apparently the females are often soliciting I left and have stuck to normal dating sites.

Have fun!

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 17:22

Also a bit sexist to assume men are the only ones who are responsible for marriages ending.
I don't think anyone believes that; it's just that OP is not looking for women (afaik), so we are not discussing cheating women.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/01/2019 17:26

I've done this, in my 50s, I used different dating sites for my 'serious relationship seeking' dating and the casual stuff. Had a lot of fun. Go for it.

YellowStickRoad · 04/01/2019 18:39

@ravenmum the OP wrote 'And then maybe single parents like me; are there many men around in this position whoweren't the arseholes responsible for the breakups of their relationships??'

Sounds pretty sexist to me. Having dated plenty of divorced men there are always two sides to a story and plenty of good men out there.

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 18:44

I don't believe both sides always have equal responsibility for affairs - but of course that applies to men and women. OP just is not looking for women, and has just had her male ex cheat on her last year, so equal-opportunities cheating may not be at the forefront of her mind right now.

Original poster

DitaVonPeas · 04/01/2019 19:33

Yellow I can see how what I wrote reads that way, but it wasn't meant like that! I was married before I met my ex and I was definitely the more guilty party in that breakup. I think I was just doing that whole, "oh god, are all men bastards??" thing that people do when someone's just screwed them over. I do know not all men are bastards and that women are equally bad, but sometimes you just need reminding.

OP posts:

YellowStickRoad · 04/01/2019 21:34

Hey OP you'll have fun if you're realistic (anyone who seems too good to be true may well not be true) and positive in your approach then hopefully you'll find lots of great guys to choose from. I've been on OLD a while, had some shortish relationships from it but also lots of good dates, some just lacked chemistry.

Hope it works out for you whatever you choose!

Flip