Single parent and issues over my own death!

[Allalittlebitshit2019]

Im a single parent to 2 young children, my stbxh also has PR so on my demise the children will by default go to live with him. Obviously im not planning on going anywhere for a very long time, but i carnt help worry about the children if i did die.
I have major concerns about the environment the children would be going into. My stbxh is very difficult and has been abusive in the past, so having a discussion with him about it would not be appropriate.
I do need to sort a will out and put some recommendations in there regarding the children, eg
They continue seeing my side of the family
They are not home schooled
But i realistically know i have no weight to implement any of this as he has PR. What do other single parents do?

Am I missing something here? Do you have any reason to believe that you'll die whilst your DC are still children?

None of us can control what will happen after we die, it is for those left behind to do what they think is best in the circumstances

Unless you have a serious illness which means your death in the next 10 years or so is likely then you need to stop giving this issue headspace

If you can't then perhaps you need some counselling to explore why?

I doubt you will be able to use a will to dictate how he parents and it would not be enforceable. You could state that your wishes in relation to who gets PR after your death. It might be relevant as they get older or either of you remarry. Letters to the children and family expressing your wishes on their upbringing would be helpful if they tried to seek access or visitation.

Otherwise consider appointing Trustees who will be responsible for any money you leave them and who could be called upon to act for them. For example if an older child wanted to get legal representation to live with DGP or DSP.

Pinkyyyy No I have no reason to think I will die, just a consern. Maybe cos one of my parents died when I was young.

Shagged the reason why is cos I have a very dysfunctional stbxh. I am totally aware that I can not control anything after my death. I just want the best for my children.

LemonTT PR; is naturally the fathers and no one elses. I know he will then totally stop the kids seeing my side of the family, whixh eill be hugely detrimental to them. He also for not allow the children to see his own family.

He would home tutor them so he doesn't need to work and is he doesn't belive in education. The kids could easily become reclusive and exposed to his very unusual ways if life. It's hard to explain but we are not talking about someone who is responsible and able or willing to put the kids first.
I not being over controlling? Just wondering if I can put Any thing in place to safe guard my kids.

Speak to a close friend and tell them your concerns, and ask them if possible to keep in touch with the kids if you die to continue giving them support/be a trusted adult/keep an eye on things. Whether that happens or not is out of your hands and you’ll never know anyway if you’re dead but maybe you’ll rest a bit easier now!

Secondly, are you doing anything to shorten your lifespan right now? Do you smoke? Drink excessively? Are you overweight? Try sim for a healthy lifestyle, and you’ll feel less anxious knowing you’ve done what you can to minimise the risks of dying early from preventable health conditions.

How is your mental health OP?

You can nominate a guardian in your will and ask that person to raise concerns with social services so that there is some oversight to make sure dc best interests are considered . Speak to a wills solicitor

All you can really do is make provision for your DCs, so life insurance and a will.

I worry too OP. Things like who is brush DD4s hair, DD2 will bear the responsibility for her as her big sister. XH will get his aging mother and sisters on board. He won’t be able to cope with doing any actual parenting.

My point is, I don’t think your feelings are unusual. All we can do is our best to ensure our children are capable, have good, supportive relationships and do what we can to provide for the in the future. No one knows what is around the corner, but your children will grow to have their own views about what they want and we get to shape that.

The responsibility we have for our children is huge. I think that’s what drives this worry. It’s our job to prepare them for their lives ahead. Keep doing that, and looking forward.

Be glad they have someone to go to.

My children would go into care if I died. Honestly he is there father, I
wouldnt worry!

Pinkyyy my mental health is good.
Cest social service's won't be interested, Their stance is they only get involved when there's risk of significant harm.
04FS out children are very young 4 and 5, they would be powerless to dictate their own wishes as they would be over ridden. Their isn't any older child to help out and he had no family he talks to. He has a girlfriend but she's as irresponsible as him.
All contact would go through him regarding my family and friends and I think he would deny it.
Zx

So if there is not risk of significant harm then you don't need to worry so much ?

Is there a Court Order in place re contact? If so, and if it names you as the parent they reside with, there is some option .....
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/testamentary-guardianship/.

Will you be leaving them an inheritance? If so you might be able to tie it up in a trust with someone you trust as the trustee; might provide a bit of control.

I know of a woman who with terminal bowel cancer, signed her house over to here single sister who then moved in and pursued legal guardianship for her to look after the children in the event of her death. She left everything to her sister and their Dad maintained visitation with them. Sad but extremely sensible in her case, thankfully her X husband was compliant with the arrangement.

It is not a sign of mental instability to be concerned what might happen to your children if you die - it is entirely normal; especially in a situation where the other person who is likely to have them is not to be trusted to provide good parenting.

I would make a will, making it clear what your wishes for your children are and clearly stating the reasons why. Tell a close friend or family member where the will is lodged. At least you will have made your concerns known.

Now....get on with living and being a lovely caring Mum!!

Yes I have a residency order and a contact order.
Weejo sad but at least he acknolodged what was best for the children.