New Baby and Relationship Issues

[BERKSDAD1983]

Hi there.
i am new to this and do not really discuss my feelings with my parental family, so thought i'd try this.
I am 36, with 2 brothers of same age - both of which live 15 minutes drive away. One has 2 children and married.
My parents are also close by.

My Partner is 35 with an 8 year old from a previous marriage. She get's on amicably with her ex-husband which works well for her / our eldest. She was adopted when she was younger as she lost her mum, and her adoptive family are 10 minutes away from us.

In November 2018 we welcomed our baby into the world. This was planned as we wanted to complete our family! I also have joint mortgage after buying her ex-husband share of the house.

Like most couples we have had our spats in the past. Primarily she feels my mum is controlling and always wondered how that would look when the baby was born.
In terms of controlling, it's usually always inviting us to her house on Sundays for a family get together meal. They tend to have the TV Football on and let the kids roam free (4 and 2 year old, and with 8 year old that’s a mix of taste and things to do) but my parents just let them play. My Dad is very busy as he is full time carer to my Nan and takes my 4 year old niece to pre-school in morning and looks after other niece (sister of 4yr) during day, so can rarely leave the house as is my mum - so everyone going there on a Sunday is ideal for them as it's chance for them to see everyone! Them coming to us can be difficult because of our eldest and her time with her dad. And her mum doesn’t want her to miss out on anything if we go - so we don’t go much.
Whenever we get asked, it's always to say 'we can go to theirs'.

As we approached the due date of our new baby my parents began to help out more, offering food parcels and general help.
Our baby was overdue so we had quite a few parcels!
And then when baby arrived - there was a moment that I comically said 'can I hold the baby now' - not an aggressive now, like it was my turn 'now'. My partner later said she was offended by that to the extent the she felt I wasn’t letting her do anything. She also said that I made her feel useful because during that first week I was involved in everything.
I had no idea that I made her feel this way - I was only ever trying to be a father and being involved. But she found it intrusive. She never said anything until this point.
Later that evening - an issue arose with the house - water leak! We were without water for 4 days and on that 4th day, we had a call from the Dr - our newborn's heel prick test was red flagged. She had an under active thyroid.
At first it was a big shock and knocked us for six - but the more we learned about It, the more reassured we became to be able to help manage this.
Then shortly after, my partner became ill - metitus and then sepsis. This was our first 3 weeks!
Then as we approach christmas, our eldest was in hospital twice for ear infection and tonsilitis - but fortunately that was treated quick!

It was hectic time but all the obstacles in our way - and we overcome them together!
Then the other day, I remember that my mum and partner were talking and my partner said our eldest 'might be with her dad the next day'.
When the next day came, my mum texted my partner and asked if our eldest was with her dad and if she wanted to look after our baby so we could go out and she would help look after her if mummy wanted to take eldest out'.
My partner read that and was livid - she felt my mum was asking broadly for any day to after the baby and not this day our eldest was with her dad. She felt my mum doesn’t want to look after our eldest because they arent related. I tried to defend and remind her mum asked the day before and you said she would be with her dad, so she was asking about tonight if we wanted to go out. But she read it differently - and her mind was made up!
The latter part of taking 'eldest out' was so mummy, I and eldest could have us time like we did before.
We had a big talk about this as she felt my mum wasn’t accepting her or our eldest - I tried to reassure as best I could that my mum has always treated our eldest like the other girls always buying gifts - but because my parents never offered to baby sit UNTIL the baby was born or didn’t help (like with food parcels) until near when baby was born, she feels they only care about the baby!

My partner messaged me this morning and said he feels things around right between us - with everything that has happened since November. And that I made her feel useless, and how my mum has made her feel about her and our eldest not part of the family.
I've tried to reassure her that it wasn’t fair what my mum said in the text - and that I have spoke with her and told she needs to accept. My mum actually cried when I told - she thought she was accepting and understands her words need to include proper grammer and spelling and 100 words instead of 20 so that it makes sense and the message is understand as that is what the issue was - but my partner made up her mind and doest see that.

My partner knows she has anxieties and is hot headed so when she has made up her mind, that’s it.
How can I get my partner to see that her viewpoint isnt the only one? And that she and our eldest are not excluded?
All I did was try to help all throughout the baby being born - should I have not helped? When I am not at work during the day, I help and do as much as possible around the house - waashing, ironing, baby feed, getting eldest ready for school in morning. Am I doing too much?

Look forward to hearing everyones thoughts

So what does she want to happen now?
If things aren't right between you... what is next in her mind?
You separate?
You need to understand this before anything else happens.
Could she afford to buy your share of the property back from you?
How does she see separation working?
She just stays in the home and you leave?

From what you have said, it sounds like you have done your best and so has your DM.
However, we see sooooo many awful MIL threads on here that it's hard to not see this from the other-side, i.e. your DM is overbearing, taking over, citicising your DP parenting style, wants time on her own with her GC before your DP is ready, you are a mummy's boy, you don't have your DP back when necessary, etc....

Have a proper sit down with your DP.
Some marriage (couples) counselling might help in the interim.

That was really hard to follow, but honestly, I think you're all overthinking all of this and you probably just need some time as a family to settle into your new reality with a young baby. Having a new baby, short of divorce or death of a close family member, is pretty much the most difficult thing your relationship will ever go through. Everyone is exhausted and overwhelmed. It's quite possible your partner is also experiencing postnatal depression or anxiety. As a mum, it's easy to feel like you're being pulled in a million directions, everyone needs something from you, but no one seems to be actually helping in the way that you need it and it can be really hard to vocalise it. Even when you feel like you come home and 'help', it doesn't change the fact that she is on duty alone all day and probably the bulk of the night. It's just a lot and it can make little things blow into big things. Well meaning family members (your mum) who want to 'help' can also easily get in the way and make everything more stressful and difficult than they need to be, and I imagine that can be even more complicated in blended families.

I would honestly just sit her down and ask her what she needs and keep asking and talking about it. If she needs help with her eldest, ask how and sort it out for her. If she just needs you to take her eldest and baby without involving your parents, so she can have a break without all the drama, do it. If you think she needs some further mental health support, help her to talk with her health visitor and express how she's feeling. More than anything just hang in there and don't let these little things blow up into big things if you can help it. You're both still finding your feet with this parenting thing as you've never really done it together before and you both have to be a bit patient. I found the first year or so was really, really hard for this sort of thing with our first. It does get easier if you can just hang in there and be gently supportive of each other.

Hi there

Thank you for getting back. She has said she isnt sure what this means for us, but since the text and me making her feel useless she isnt sure what the means for her and her eldest in this relationship and if it could all work. There hasn’t been any inclination or talk of what happens if we separate, or if a seperation is needed. Because we both know we have been through a lot in 3 weeks since our new baby was born and the christmas week.

My partner has given me stick for being a mummy's boy. I've told her time and again I do not like this reference yet she still uses it. So whilst it puts me down, I've told her it doesn’t make me feel good - but she still uses it. I have to admit, as I write that - she doesn’t take into account my feelings on that! I am always having to consider her feelings.

I do wonder if counselling a good idea actually - because we have been through a lot of challenges recently perhaps we just need to find ourselves?
We are going out tomorrow evening for 3 hours between baby feeds, as our eldest actually is with her dad - and my partner suggested we ask my mum to baby sit (I think she wanted to me to ask my mum as a way of showing Mum you are still very much allowed to look after - but when we ask).

I did consider PND - in fact we had health visitor come by yesterday whch neither of us knew about. i was at work but my partner did speak with her - and said everything was ok, in fact the health visitor said we were doing everything right.

i also agree we are still finding our feet in this new dynamic and how it will all work, how we'll all get time together etc.
tomorrow night we will have US time so i am hoping that will give her a sight of normality and what US looks like!

hi all

thought i'd post an update on this, things have been going well - we have the odd disagreement like most couples but that is it.
I think one of the differences between my partner and i, is that she likes to be Out and i've always been the kind to put on a film.
Although saying that, before i moved in with her at the start of January 2017, i was always up at 5am and hitting the gym before work, and when id get home after work about 7 all i would want to do is crash with a film. I started to give the gym up after we met because as i'd stay with her, it would be awkward to wake up so early when she had a 6 year old who would probably wonder what was happening. id also have a lot of gym gear to carry around and somehow get home to wash (as then i didnt drive).
anyway i digress.
She mentioned on the weekend she hates been stuck indoors - she wants to go out, which iv never had a problem with. i said a long time ago we needed to get out and go for walks more as that would be healthy for us - and she is wanting to do that which is good.
i think also, i am not usually one for planning the weekend.
but i have promised her that will now be my responsibility.
as will doing the housework - vacuum, polishing, linen and washing - which i always did anyway.
i think we still have some work to do with US - she has said she cant seem to find herself getting back to where we were, that i pushed her too far away when baby was born and i was always there (helping). but also that my cousin and her boys came by a week after baby was born and that because we had a minor spat earlier she stayed upstairs whilst i entertained them with new baby. she said i never once asked her to come down - but i explained that time and again if we have ever had an arguement she wants to be left alone, which i did.

last night we had our first night with a baby monitor, with baby now 9 weeks.
so baby was upstairs and we had lounge to ourselves, so i gave her a nice back massage as she is in pain from carrying.
we had a nice 2 hours to ourselves.
going to try the same tonight but iv said to her we need to avoid tv as that is all we do. so any ideas welcome there..?!

Small steps OP.
You are making good progress so just take it each day at a time.
My Ex and I used to have a games night at least once a week.
So board games or card games. A couple of drinks and games and chat. It was really good and gave us that time together we needed.
We also did a big meal one night a week.
One that takes a bit of prep and cooking time so we would spend time in the kitchen together preparing, dancing around to music, and then eating the meal.
When my DD was much younger we used to have another games night. On the Wii. No idea if they are still around or not.
That was fun too.

You could also put aside some 'fun' time in the bedroom when you are both in a better place.

thanks @hellsbellsmelons

thats a great idea, i actually caught this message as i was out on lunch and picked up an adult humour game which i thought we could do this evening.
i also got lavender oil as i thought would be good for the massages.
every other Sunday we are hoping to do a Come Dine With Me - we did it just over a week ago, where One of us cooks Starter, the other the Main and her / our 8 year old does the Dessert - and we dressed up - and that was really good.
fun time in the bedroom - we never have much issues with having that time. she has pointed out though that it's always when I want sex, never when she does so i need to be more aware of that.

so the missus and i had a great night last night.
our 8 year old (hers from prev marriage) stayed with her dad last night, a first on a school night. So it was just us, and the new baby (9 weeks now).
i made us a special meal, her fav - put the baby into the moses basket in our room with the monitor on - and we went downstairs to eat.
we had the tv on in the background but didnt pay much attention to it.
as afterwards, we played a game - one of those card games where you get asked a cheeky question! it needed a group of poeple which we knew, but it was fun just us two playing it!
we spent some quality time laughing and about 10:30 went to bed where i gave her a massage ....and then another massage :) followed by making love! and we spooned through the night!

we know we need to make more nights where we dont just plant ourselves in front of the tv. sometimes we will, sometimes we cant!