Warning- probably long!
Background: Registered Nurse, 54 years of age, married to the loveliest man I know for 26 years.Have been battling drug and alcohol issues for several years. Drug free three years, drinking now well controlled and not adversely affecting my life for about nine months. Ongoing cancelling.Naturally, all this has stuffed my career. After a tortuous process, have just started agency nursing and doing well.
Mother: Irish Catholic of the fire and brimstone sort. As a child, wandered around village ( with the rest of the village of the damned) reciting the rosary. 80 years of age. Very healthy. Deep issues with guilt, especially re. sex ( sex outside marriage damns one to Hell and not all that relaxed about sex within marriage etc), and has managed to rule family with guilt and fear.
Sister: 52. Schoolteacher. Married. 2 grown daughters. Firmly of the view that no one must upset Mum, despite anything she may say or do. Mum is just the way that she is.
Brother: 58. Medical laboratory Scientist. Married. Three teen kids.
Both siblings coped with Mum by basically living a lie as necessary. I didn’t.
No real abuse per se., although when I was ten my mother felt it appropriate to slap me in the face if I got lippy. Which I not infrequently did. This stopped when I was twelve and slapped her back.
Okay. I admit it, got leg less drunk Christmas 2017. I did kind of ruin Christmas. I understand that. I have given my parents a load of anxiety that they don’t need. I understand that too. I have apologised and acknowledged all this up hill and down dale.
Following Christmas 2017, my mother has attacked me at every possible opportunity for about six months. Whenever she could get me alone or with my spineless father, who adores me but has always been bulldozed by her. These attacks mainly do nortbeven relate to Christmas 2017, but to such things as my husband failing to respond to an email ( he had emailed Mum and Dad at Christmas 2017 to find out what happened out of concern and Mum responded), or checking his phone once at a family dinner. Re the email. The man was desperately worried and working 12 hour night shifts on an oil rig. Apparently, he should have let her know he got her email.Erratic email availability due to cyclone notwithstanding. This made him rude and obnoxious, not a tad remiss. Then there was the saga of the insulting cheesecake.My mil was staying and we were invited by my parents for a cuppa. On the day, I felt like making cheesecake and did. A lovely cherry one, though I say it and shouldn’t. Rang Mum to suggest that they come to ours for cheesecake instead. Mum sounded fine with it, they came and all was well I thought.However, for no reason she could articulate, Mum found this insulting. Also, we have an insulting toilet seat, as it is a Union Jack one. Then, in the middle of the year (2018), my mother came to my house to inform me that she didn’t like my husband ( not news to either of us) and I could come and live in a cottage on their property and he could go his own way. Apparently, the whole family feel the same way. What led to this I do not know. My husband has been my rock. I love him, he loves me and we are the best thing in each other’s lives.
Fast forward to Christmas 2018.Brand new agency job, doing well. Asked to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, early shift. Christmas family craptacular at my brother and sil’s house 2pm. I said would love to be there, and if dinner could be moved to 5 pm, would be there with bells on, along with hubs and mil. Quite understand if this is not possible though, and if not, hubs, mil and I will have a quiet dinner at ours. Was told dinner 5pm, no probs. Great🙂. Then niece needs to go to visit new boyfriend’s parents in the evening so dinner 2pm again. Okay, understand, will have dinner at home cooked by aforementioned amazing hubs. No worries. Reasonable.? I really thought so.Then the phone calls. My brother rang to inform me that I was selfish and pissing everyone off. Mum and Dad might be dead next year and how would I feel then? Etc etc. Tried to point out that while yes, M and D are in their early 80’s, they are both fairly hale and hearty. There is no reason to think they will be dead next year- no chronic or terminal illnesses etc. Tried to explain that I have just started this casual job and I am really trying to rebuild my career. Didn’t feel I could turn down work.Tried to explain that in all likelihood, I wouldn’t get a break at work on Christmas Day, so would have nothing to eat since 5.30am until dinner. Was looking forward to a Christmas dinner with hubs, for the first time in three years.Not good enough. Hubby could have dinner with his Mum and I could have a turkey sandwich. Didn’t matter as long as the family were together. Which my husband it seems is not. My brother, 58 years of age, proceeded to scream at me and hang up the phone. My sister rang to warn of “consequences” and family rifts if I don’t go. Well, I called in for an hour to see everyone. I really wanted to, just wasn’t sure how to do it. Then went home and had Christmas dinner.
I suppose what I want to know is do I (we)deserve this? I do love my family, but this is just an insight into the dynamic.Am I a bad person? Feeling so much frustrated anger and hurt, as is my husband about all this.