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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would it be so terrible to leave the country?

7 replies

Zerrin13 · 03/01/2019 21:57

DH and I have been married for 16 years, 2 children,. 14 and 16 years. My husband is from a different country and culture. He came to the UK shortly after we married.
Our marriage has endured many ups and downs including his tendency to resort to intimidation and violence when challenged and in an argument with me.
We have run a business together for 13 years and my role was part time home based. It has allowed me to always be around for our children and financially life has been good. For many years I've felt disappointed with the lack of affection and care in our marriage and his lack of interest in our family life. I simply felt he had no interest in me outside the services I provided to make his life easier. Those services were sex, housekeeping and cooking, translation and help with the business paperwork. My resentment of him had grown over the years until I insisted he leave which he did 2 months ago. Genie rents a lovely flat only 2 minutes down the road and sees the kids whenever he feels like it. He seems to be moving on at the speed of light and seems to be having a mid life crisis, taking out huge bank loans for a fancy BMW and complaining I was always too sensible with money. All I ever did was want the best for him and it's as if I now cease to exist. I'm utterly devastated and sadly I miss him more than I had ever imagined possible. I just wanted him to make an effort with our marriage and want to save our family not see it all go down the pan after 16 years. Him being 2 minutes down the riad is more than I can bear. How will I cope knowing he is virtually on my doorstep when there is another woman? I feel so sad and discarded like a bit of old rubbish. We have an apartment in his home country which I have citizenship of. It is mortgage free and nice. I speak the language quite well. If I moved there I wouldnt be forced to endure the heartache of seeing him. The real stumbling block is my children. I don't think they would want to come. He has alot more money than me and could keep them in the life they are used to.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 03/01/2019 22:01

Sorry my children are 14 & 15 years

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 22:14

I presume you mentioned the issues you weren't happy with and he did nothing to change?

If so... he obviously doesn't care enough or is happy not changing.

You did the right thing. If the kids won't leave.... will you still go alone?

Could you move elsewhere in this country? Further away from him?

SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 22:16

14 and 15... are about to do GCSEs and doing them this year. Not a good time to move...and they have friends here.

Zerrin13 · 03/01/2019 22:28

Yes the kids will be taking exams in the near future. Their lives are here.

OP posts:
importantkath · 03/01/2019 22:32

You can't move the children now, and you can't upset their lives anymore by leaving the country.

Without meaning to be disrespectful, you instigated this and now you have changed your mind. Be a grown up and communicate with your husband.

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 22:34

You need to disentangle finances asap as, still married, you will be liable for his debts. Does he give you money or are your finances separate?

I don't think getting back together is a good idea if he uses intimidation tactics with you, that's an horrendous thing for your DC to witness.

Your DC will not want to move and it will harm their education to move countries right now.

Zerrin13 · 03/01/2019 22:38

I'm still paid a wage from our business as I'm a director. He tried to get me to give up my stake in the business when he left but I refused. He is ok about money 1 day then vile about it the next.

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