Telling DH I'm pregnant (loss/abuse related)

[strugglingwhatsbest]

I'm not sure what to to do and I can't talk to anyone in real life but it's just going round in my head so I'm hoping you an all tell me to get a grip because I know I'm being stupid and I need to just talk to DH but I can't seem to get the words out.

Before I met DH I was married before to EX. While with him I miscarried when we had only been married a few months. However I hadn't known I was pregnant and I was young and in love and kindof put it to the back of my mind. I didn't even tell EX I just tried to carry on like it didn't happen.

The two years later I found out I was pregnant however at 26 weeks I lost our little boy. I was completely devastated and EX took it awfully and blamed me entirely. I blamed myself too and I allowed EX to treat me awfully because I thought I deserved it.

A couple of years later I was pregnant again. But I really struggled with it. I just knew something bad was going to happen and I was so sure the baby was going to die that I didn't bond I couldn't get too close because I knew the baby would die and I would be devastated again.
EX and I were also in a really awful place and one night he hurt me so much that I ended up miscarrying the baby.

After that I left EX and met DH we were friends first, then we fell in love and got married. He has a lovely DD from a previous relationship and I really enjoying being her step-mum.

However I was clear with DH from the start that I was pretty sure that I couldn't cope with being pregnant again and I didn't really want DCs.
DH was very supportive he said he was happy as he already has DSD.
As DSD has gotten older he has always reassured me that he is happy with just one DC and he enjoys having an older child who we can do fun activities with.

I realised just before Christmas that I hadn't had a period for a while however they can sometime be irregular so I didn't think much of it. However a couple of weeks ago I started to feel sick at first I thought it was a bug or that I had overdone it at Christmas but after a while I realised that it wasn't going away and it dawned on me that I could be pregnant. I went out yesterday and bought a couple of tests and they are both clear positives.

I just I can't tell DH he came home yesterday and I kept trying to make myself tell him but I just couldn't get the words out. I promised myself I would tell him today when he came in from work and I still bottled it and now he has gone out with mates and I know I need to tell him tonight because he deserves to know but I just can't and I know its stupid because DH is lovely and supportive but when I think of telling him it terrifies me and I can't get the words out and I'm not even sure what I want to do.

I just keep thinking about it over and over and I can't work out what to do and its all such a mess and I know I am being really ridiculous but I can't seem to help it.

Do whatever it takes.
You’ve had awful awful history before your lovely current partner and it’s totally understandable you are in a bit of a panic.
Combine that with the baby being a total shock and it’s no wonder you are worrying.

Write it down, call him on the phone, leave the test for him somewhere obvious to see when he returns. Whatever it takes. He needs to know and the longer you leave it the bigger that wall you are building will get.
I’m sure he will be surprised but supportive and help you through your worries

Good luck with everything & I hope you have a nice pregnancy and enjoy your lovely baby in the end

A good way to start the conversation is leaving out the tests. Then tell him you both need to talk. Tell him what you wrote in here, periods not being regular, then not feeling well so did the test. Take it from there.

This is another man, a totally different relationship. Please don’t let the past stress you out. Talk to you husband.

Just re read your message and saw you aren’t sure what you want! Not sure how I missed that I’m so sorry ☹️ I didn’t mean to come across rude or insulting was just trying to assist your panicking and overlooked that

Given your history it is entirely understandable that you are finding things difficult and struggling to tell him. But yes, you are absolutely right he needs to know.

Could you send him a text/message or leave him a note? Not ideal but would do the trick.

I post this a lot. Which might make me seem odd. But it's just because it relates to my work.

But if you are considering a termination then you could try contacting your NHS provider and seeing if they could give you some free counselling to help you make your decision and explore your feelings on it. You don't have to tell your DH and you may well be ever to do it discretely via telephone. Once you have a more firm decision either way it may be easier to tell him about the pregnancy if that is what you want.

It is completely understandable why you are scared and worried to tell your DH about your pregnancy. From your previous marriage, I am so sorry for what you passed through. I had a miscarriage a few months ago and it is the worst feeling in the world.

However, remember why you married again. I do not know your ex or your current DH but you do and you would not have married the same kind of man after everything you have been through. All the negative comment above have been about your ex not your DH. I think you being pregnant is a great, joyful thing that your DH will be so happy about. Just because he is happy to not have more children it does not mean he will be unhappy at the prospect of a pregnancy and a new baby.

This is a fresh start for you, a new adventure. You are not defined by your Ex, what he did to you or your past. You are only defined by what you say so and I think your very brave for even talking about this here. Please as others have said, just tell your husband by lying the tests out on a table or something. See how your DH reacts before you say much about the subject and I am sure you can both decide everything else from there.

Hello op, poor you, you've had some terrible experiences around being pregnant so it's no wonder that you're terrified. Easy for me to say but your ex and your DH are very different people. Your has been very supportive with your struggles but I think you may feel easier in your mind if you are able to tell him.
As pp have said maybe leave the tests for him to find. Or scribble a note or just blurt it out.
Your DH sounds like a lovely man and I'm thinking he will be understanding
Wishing you well

Thank you, you are right I need to try and tell and it will hopefully be ok. I don't know why I can't stop working myself up DH is lovely and nothing like EX so I don't know why I can't stop feeling so scared about it all.
I have messaged him and asked him to come home and I think I will leave the tests out because then he will know and I will have to talk about it with him.

What you describe in your previous marriage and pregnancy losses sounds highly traumatic. Have you ever had counselling for this? No wonder you are panicking and not knowing what to do. You are not just telling him about being pregnant, there is a whole story behind it where you have been abused, you have lost your babies and worst of all, you have blamed yourself. None of this was your fault at all

There is nothing which means it will happen again. There is a lot of research which shows that good antenatal care and TLC helps prevent repeat losses. But the sooner you get into antenatal care and ask for the support you need (counselling, extra scans if you are proceeding with the pregnancy), the better you will feel.

Please go and speak to your doctor or midwife once you have spoken to your husband. You have been traumatised by what had happened, but you will be able to get through this with appropriate support and your DH is not your ex.

Very best of luck

Katara Jean is right none of your previous experiences were your fault