Maintaining a good relationship with MIL when baby arrives

[SpottedTiger]

For background DH has had a strained relationship with his parents for years, they seem to be fair weather parents, who disapear from his life when things get tough. I've witnessed this and the pain it causes him many times over the years and made it clear to MIL my views on this in the past. Generally although I don't really like or trust PIL and would never go to them for support, I make an effort to maintain a civil relationship with them for DHs sake as it is important to him.

We are due to have a baby soon and MIL is very excited about this. So far she has mainly been really good about things and quite helpful. There have been a few occasions where she has stepped over the line, which I've been willing to let go because I think it's been down to over excitement rather than anything else.

Firstly she invited herself to one of my scans when DH mentioned he couldn't get time off work. I was a bit taken back, but didn't have the heart to say no. It was actually quite a nice morning together in the end so no harm done. However she then posted the scan picture on FB with all my details visible and announced our chosen name.

With this in mind DH has started conversations with her about a couple of potential issues we can see likely to come up, and her response has concerned me.

1. Her employer gives her a day's leave when a new grandchild is born. She asked me ages ago if she would be able to spend this day with us helping out, which I was happy about. DH and I felt that the most useful time for this would be when he goes back to work, when he suggested this to her she was not happy and informed us, she doesn't get any say in when she takes this day, it will be the day baby is born or if born at a weekend her next working day, she made it clear that she WILL be taking this day to spend with us as it's her right as a grandparent. My DM will be staying with us when baby is born as we know she will be genuinely helpful and supportive and is mindful of not encroaching on the 3 of us having our own family time. I don't want MIL to feel excluded, then on the other hand she lives close by but rarely visits anyway and it would be easy for he to pop in for short visits initially and spend the day a few weeks in.

1. DH and I are wanting to minimise DDs exposure to gender stereotypes where possible and wait to see where her interests lie. I've mentioned this a few times in passing to MIL as she is a very girly girl and I'm not. When DH mentioned to her that we were not going to be dressing DD in stereotypical pink, MIL got upset because she wants to buy her pink and girly things. I said to MIL, she can buy her what she wants, (and to DH that we can dress her in what we want) I have no issues with her having some traditionally girly things, so long as she has a balanced variety until she is old enough to decide what she likes. To be honest I think it's a good thing that her grandma will want to do girly things with her as it will balance with my complete lack of girlyness and DHs plans to involve her in his hobbies and interests.

I would not want his parents, particularly his mother, to be around any of you going forward.

Your h starting a conversation with such people will and indeed has gone badly. It’s not your fault or his that his parents are like this with she in particular having no boundaries. Trying to set boundaries with them is an exercise doomed to failure because they will continue to do whatever they want regardless of how you both feel about it. She will continue to make you both feel very unhappy and she will use your child to get back at you for any alleged parenting deficiencies.

How does your husband feel about his parents these days and do you think that your own position to date of maintaining a civil relationship with them because of him has been the right decision for you here?. You yourself do not like them for good reason and would not go to them for support so why did you tell his mother that she could buy what she wanted for your child?. What are his boundaries like re them here? Is he really mired in his own fear obligation and guilt re his parents and is this really working too against him here?. Can he stand up for his own family unit here?. Grandparents rights are not automatic in law either and I feel she will continue to be nasty towards you both going forward and particularly when your are parents yourselves.

I would read toxic in-laws by Susan Forward and your husband needs to read toxic parents by this author.

Your own boundaries re his mother are too low and by telling her that she can buy your child whatever she wants will further open the floodgates of having you both as this child’s parents undermined. The normal rules of familial relations goes out the window when it comes to people like his parents. She has already overstepped here with the ultrasound scan and will continue to do so. This is not down to her being overexcited , this is down to her wanting to control again. The two of you will at the very least need to present a totally united front when it comes to his parents now.

You perhaps come from a nice and importantly an emotionally healthy family, your husband has not been so lucky here. If your parents are nice and emotionally healthy concentrate on them and keep his mother well away from you all. They were not good parents to him when he was growing up and such people really do not change, they become toxic as grandparents too.

Listen to Attila, she is very wise.

Based on my experience with a difficult MIL since having my first child, it gets worse not better after the child is born. So it's really important that you make the boundaries clear NOW.

Having a child is a very special time and you don't get it back. So don't let her spoil it for you.

"Firstly she invited herself to one of my scans when DH mentioned he couldn't get time off work. I was a bit taken back, but didn't have the heart to say no. It was actually quite a nice morning together in the end so no harm done. However she then posted the scan picture on FB with all my details visible and announced our chosen name."

This is classic parent/PIL overstepping boundaries massively. I would have been livid and wouldn't be sharing any scan photos or information with her after that. For example she is the type to announce the birth on Facebook, with a photo and the baby's name, before you have done so. So don't send a photo or confirm the name and weight until you've announced it yourselves.

I would let her know she is welcome to take off any day she wants for the birth. You are under no obligation to have her visit, so I would be upfront that this may be a day she mostly ends up pottering around her house. When our first was born, we had no visitors invited for the first week. MIL met our dd at 10 days (my family lives overseas anyway). It was wonderful to have that time.

I think her having a day off when your dh goes back to work is really sensible. If she wants to come before then, I’d just be really clear that it will only be for an hour or two and only when you’re ready (not necessarily the day she takes off).

Thank you for the responses. DH is desperate for acceptance and approval from PIL and is hoping that DDs arrival will help to improve his relationship with them. DH still at least in part feels that he is at fault for the way his parents have treated him although he is starting to question this at times. He gets upset when I upset MIL although he is aware I don't always agree with her. Over the last few years I have noticed him gravitating towards my DP for support and it was his idea to ask my DM to stay when DD arrives. PIL live much closer to us but we currently don't see them often. FIL has little interest in his current GC, so I can't see him wanting to spend time with DD much either. I can see MIL being more difficult to keep boundaries with though.

Please be firm with her, my MIL insisted on coming to stay the day I came out of hospital and was no help at all, it made me v unhappy, how intrusive she could be.

You both really need to read the books that Attila recommended (Toxic In-laws and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward).

Remember op. Gps do not have any automatic rights.

Also ime being a rubbish dm can follow on as a rubbish dgm.
Do not allow her to try to make good her failings via your dc.

Your child’s arrival may be the catalyst into him properly realising that his childhood at the hands of his parents was utterly awful or it may not. I am not at all surprised to read that he is still trying to win their approval but it’s approval that they will never give him. In fact he does not need their approval at all but many adult children of toxic parents feel this need for approval. It is not his fault they are the ways they are, he was but a child at the time but again many adult children of such toxic parents blames themselves.

They are fair weather parents and they have not fundamentally altered since his own childhood. The same dynamics or very similar will be played out again with his child.

Please give him the book I recommended, it will help him. Do read toxic in-laws as well.