Well meaning friend driving me crazy

[Vasilisa19]

I have a friend who is otherwise lovely and has been good to me in many ways. However, she is also someone who is an 'expert' on parenting and is rather preoccupied in critiqueing other people's ways of raising their children. She has a bit of an attitude that she is surrounded by idiots...

Unfortunately it does extend somewhat to me...

As I have a son with very special needs and severe autism I often feel she doesn't quite understand what we have to deal with and that parenting is not quite the same when you have a child with complex needs. So she sometimes rebukes me for not being firm enough, or blames me for every set back we have with him. Although I listen to her advice and politely nod it can sometimes grind me down and demoralize what is already a difficult situation. In fact sometimes she really overwhelms me with her criticisms.

When she is not critiqueing myself, she will often want to discuss what others are doing/not doing properly and I find it very draining because I know that most of us our just doing our best.

I said to her recently that we all make mistakes and she snapped 'I never make mistakes'. Sigh

Advice please on how to deal with her that avoids confrontation. Thank you

Oh yes I've experienced the parenting expert 'friend'. In my case her (mostly) passive agressive comments ground me down so much I had to stop spending time with her. I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and say something along the lines of , " I know you mean well but your advice isn't helping, please stop giving it." I didn't have the nerve to do that mind you and just let the friendship drop. My former friend never seems to think she makes mistakes either, which made it difficult to get close to her as one way women bond is to share their difficulties (over a bottle of wine). I felt bad for a while cos she had been lovely to me at a difficult time but she was/is awfully judgemental.

My advice is to spend less time with her-a person who says "They never make mistakes" isn't one I'd want to be with anyway. The experts on parenting usually are childless. As a mother of a special needs young adult with complex needs I rarely got critiques because nearly everyone could see my DH and I are doing the best we can but one instance i was at my SIL's house for a family birthday celebration and her very opinionated father was present and he saw my son leaving an attitude and his advice was "Your kid needs more spankings" and then turned to my other SIL and looked at her much younger children and said "You must be doing something right YOU'RE a good mom" I'd love to know how that bastard would've coped with a child who had a stroke in NICU with brain damage to the executive portion of his brain! I wanted to walk out and never attend any function with him again. For the record his kids were far from perfect and a few of them had trouble with the law

It should say my son "having an attitude" not leaving!

Wow, she never makes mistakes?! That's laugh out loud worthy from the outside but must be pretty grim for you.

I'd go with a kind boundary setting technique. "My friends are my friends because I have things in common with them and I love talking with them. When my friends give me parenting advice I feel [down, upset, anxious], so I'm going to ask that we keep away from parenting conversations unless it's specifically asked for. I know you'd never want me to feel that way so thanks so much for your understanding, I'm making this a rule with all my friends. Now, tell me about [Xyz] , I'm dying to hear about [X]!

You have to tell her that it's not acceptable to criticise the parenting skills of other, she means well but is setting herself up as being an expert, above reproach. Also she must not draw you into discussions about others, you don't talk about people behind their backs (she might talk about you with others).

She's your friend, it's difficult but far better to bring things out in the open but if the basic friendship is sound, she'll take on board what you say.

Maybe others will say the same to her, who knows? Doubt she'd tell you.

My best friend's child has sen, and I cannot imagine being so up my own arse that I thought I knew better about raising her child for even a second. Ditch this woman, she is not a friend I would want.

'I know you mean well and you want to help, but your advice doesn't apply when a child has SEN. And it doesn't help me, it makes me stressed. I don't want to talk about parenting techniques any more, and that includes everyone else too.'

Either you stop seeing her, or you have to tell her.

Or if you really can't do that, change the subject and keep doing it each and every time. Eventually she'll work it out. Or you'll explode.