Imet my husband in 2012 and although things were hard to begin with, our relationship has been 60/40% good.
In the beginning he would accuse me of talking to men or anyone I was in contact with had alterior motives. I just took this as insecurity. Me being older by 6 years, I also saw it as slight immaturity. I ploughed on and hoped that we could iron these problems out. There was a time also when he would go through my phone and check what was on it and I had genuinely done nothing to provoke this!
We worked through this but I also stopped associating with people outside of our relationship for fear of his accusations and an ensuing row.
I began focusing on building a better relationship with my parents and so did he - especially during our wedding period, etc. His family are non commital and his mother neglected my husband growing up. He has had a very bad upbringing and this also included a death in the family, for which my husband feels responsibility. I am sure this is his main cause for his behaviour and I have given him extra leeway because of his upbringing.
He also has had issues with his children. Many a time I have negotiated for/with his children on his behalf. For example, he had issues with the children saying they didn't like him and his ex wife would say nasty things about their dad. I felt that at times I had to put them right. In 2014 my husband spent many stays in hospital with an undiagnosed condition, for which, after several episodes of sepsis, he finally got a diagnosis and is reliant on taking medication in order to keep him well. During this time, his ex wife told the children that he was out seeing women and drinking, hence why he didn't see them for a while. But I had to rectify this by telling them of his illness(es). I even picked up his son, then aged 12, and took him to the hospital to see his dad. I spent days, months, and years trying to negotiate for him and get the children to realise that their father loves them. However, the problem is that my husband undoes all of what I do. For example, one day his eldest decided to pick up the hoover and vacuum the living room, totally unrequested. I thanked him and encouraged him to continue. My husband proceeded to come down stairs and say "you missed a bit!" He wasn't being humerous/funny at all; instead he was seemingly antagonizing the situation. He is very critical and very moody - the atmosphere is just awful at times.
With regard to his illnesses, which include: a congenital heart condition, type 2 diabetes and the condition for which he needs medication to keep him well and high cholesterol - my husband has very often not taken his meds and doesnt keep on track with them and it's only when he starts going down hill that I monitor whether the meds have been taken during the week, then I have to say 'why aren't you taking your meds' - of course, he argues the toss but eventually admits not taking them.
Late last year, the children have since moved away and he has nothing to do with them now. So this Christmas has been particularly difficult for him. He does have a younger child whom visits on alternate weekends, and she is from a subsequent relationship prior to ours. We didn't see her for some time as her mum and my husband had a fall out. In the last month or so my husband has started moaning about his daughter, who is 7 years old. He wanted her to do a Christingle decoration at Christmas, however, she doesn't show much interest in things, just loves a giggle and dancing. My husband seemed so upset and rejected by her as she showed little interest. He has started saying nasty things like 'what a waste of time' and 'I don't know why I bother'. We went out food shopping between Christmas and New Year and he held her hand all the way around the shop and whenever he caught her laughing at anything, he would tell her off. (Not badly). My adult children were there too and we were all just having a bit of fun.
Also when my adult children are around, he makes the atmosphere worse still. When my girls lived at home and they used the oven or anything, he would nit pick and moan about their washing up and what they were eating. Bearing in mind that his washing up is worse than ever! (he washes one side of the plate, so if they are stacked after eating, there is still food on the bottom!) All the time he was washing up I had regular upset stomachs and now that I have told him never to wash up again, I have been symptom free!
During our Christmas eve family dinner, which was really important to me, I took out the frozen dessert which needed defrosting, held it up high and stated it needed defrosting and left it on the side. We had our dinner which was lovely and then I went to get the pudding (which for my family is the most important) - my husband said 'I put it in the freezer!' So our dinner finished without pudding. He showed no real apology and continued swigging his beer.
I just dont know what to make of this. When we are on our own, he is quite controlling. Even when I go out with friends, when I come home he is often found on the sofa asleep, which can be as early as 8:30pm, and there is no asking how I am but just a cold shoulder.
What do you make of this?