Dysfunctional families

[MorningCuppa]

Do you have a dysfunctional family or toxic family member/members?

If so how have you dealt with this, do you live close, communicate? Has it affected your relationship with other family members or have you gone no contact and if so is it with the whole family or just the toxic member/members.

If you did go no contact did you find you became isolated by all family?

So many questions.

Yep. A brother.

I cut him out 100%. Had no choice, haven’t spoken to him now in over three years. It’s the only way that’s safe for me, even though I’ll always love him. Had one wobble last year where I messaged him but thankfully he didn’t reply and I blocked again once I wised up.

It’s one of the biggest tragedies and most upsetting things of my life, I think I’m still grieving and always will probably. I have nightmares every week about him.

But I had no choice and I know it was the right decision in the long run.

Stand Alone are a charity who do great work with people dealing with family estrangement. Captain Awkward’s blog is full of excellent advice re how to set boundaries and deal with difficult people/when to walk away

I didn’t so much end up isolated, but that’s because I have a tiny family of origin now. Just me, my dad and stepmom. Both of which supported me and are treading the fine line between totally supporting my decision and trying to maintain some kind of relationship with my brother. To their credit they’ve never tried to interfere.

I am NC with all of them. Went NC with my parents and my siblings sided with them so I went NC with them too. It's been ten years and I still grieve sometimes and still have issues to deal with but I'm much more mentally healthy without them in my life.

My husbands family is what i would call dysfunctional

Parentified as children/infantalized as adults
The whole family revolves around the needs of one parent
Walking on eggshells around the parents
Being criticised over the pettiest of things
Golden child/scapegoat child

Although I found it relatively easy to go no contact it was very difficult for my husband to do the same. He essentially still wants to have a relationship with some of his family members and if he went NC the whole family would be instructed to shun him (thats how his mother operates).

His strategy involves
Lowering contact to once a month and only staying for 2 hours
Caller id and using message facilities so he can talk to her when he is good and ready and not off-guard
Saying 'no' without an explanaition or justificiation
Changing subject to neutral things such as weather/news
When she loses her temper with him he either puts the phone down or puts on his coat and leaves. He refuses to contact her to win her over.

He has stopped trying to reason with her, or explain how her actions make him feel. He never lets her know that she has hurt him in any way (she sometimes gets a rise out of upsetting people).
If she tries to control him, he does the opposite

She didn't like it at first, but she eventually accepted the new order of things. It takes time for them to accept that someone isn't going to be abused anymore.

I grew up watching my father emotionally and physically abuse my mother and my siblings. I've distanced myself emotionally, but have to go back to the house during the summer holidays as I'm still a student.

With my 2 other cousins. Just because I'm related to them doesn't mean they can treat me without respect so I'm NC and honestly it feels like such a relief- I don't have time for drama.

I'm mostly NC with my family. They're all dysfunctional, abusive, insane and incestuous, apart from my brother and his partner.

I'm NC with the worst players but can't bear to go full NC with my dad even though he sexually, physically & emotionally abused me. I have firm boundaries in place, limit contact, no photos of DD allowed. Used the excuse of my brother living with him but fact is I still love him despite everything.

@VietnameseCrispyFish can I ask what made you go no contact?
It's great you haven't been isolated, something I feel strongly wronged for.

Thank you for the websites to look at for help, I'm going to have a look.

The grieving is the hardest part, some days are ok others I don't want to be here because the struggle is far to painful.

My situation was one of many many years of audible behaviour and I tolerated a lot, each time the situation got more worse and the abuse stepped up, it got to a no going back and enough is enough situation.

However a typical abuser who plays the victim, manipulates and lies, so unfortunately I have had to go completely no contact with my whole family, the pain and constant reminder was to much to bear.

@Hedgehogblues it's hard when someone sided with someone else, it seems to happen a lot, I would expect family members to stay neutral especially if it was between siblings.

@Kismetjayn can I ask why you feel you couldn't go no contact with your dad?

Yes emphatically so.

Very dysfunctional upbringing

Father was an abusive alcoholic - of all the siblings I had the least relationship with him and I'm now permanently NC

Our upbringing belongs in Stately Homes and the complexities of it bred dysfunction between the siblings.

I'd say I have more insight into the real problems between the siblings as I've been more affected by that than by my "Dad"

My relationship with one sibling is very poor and much poorer than I think they realise because they have little insight into the very permanent damage they've done by inflicting punishment upon me for their own frustrations over things that aren't my fault

I am very low contact with them and would go no contact but I refuse to miss family occasions because of them

My preferred outcome would be to have a conversation whereby we good humouredly agree that our dislike of each other is as mutual as it is intense and we keep up a facade until the older generation dies and then never have any obligation to each other ever again. This won't happen, so I will quietly reduce contact to nil after the deaths of our DM and aunts.

It is very sad, not having a father has really affected me psychologically, but most of the internalised unresolved anger that I have is related to the horrific second class citizen treatment I get from my sibling and can't challenge because the row and the knowing she has hurt you is what she actively wants, and gets a physical buzz from like a drug

So I have to grey rock technique but have nowhere to put the feelings.

My DM exacerbates it, mostly unintentionally,though it was definitely intentional growing up because she would play us off against each other to make her parenting easier

Does my utter hatred for my sibling make me feel good about myself ? No.

But you reap what you sow.

In a nutshell OP @MorningCuppa yes I know exactly what that's like. You have my sympathy.

I don't know exactly why I can't being myself to NC with my dad. He's overall such a good guy- he's nice to get along with, we have a lot in common, I make excuses for everything he did because I know how hard it is to resist our family's brainwashing and I was brought up to caretake his emotions. I like spending time with him and I would miss him if I didn't ever speak to him. He would go so far out of his way for me, I can depend on him. He is funny, intelligent and kind as well as every bit of evil he has done.

Maybe one day I will be in a better place in my life and be able to cut him off, maybe I'll continue this painfully bordered, painstakingly careful relationship until he dies, I don't know. I tried it when I went NC with everyone else but I ended up crying so much because I just missed him.

MorningCuppa in a nutshell I discovered he was abusing his pregnant wife in front of, and often involving, their two little boys. She went off the radar when she promised to message me after asking him to leave, I worried because I thought he’d killed her (he has previous convictions and imprisonment for violence) and rang the authorities to try safeguard the children. She resurfaced, he found out I’d done it, both turned on me. told the whole family I had made it all up. Lost contact with my beloved nephews for good.

It’ll take me a lifetime to get past it I think but I’m doing the best I can. The drama triangle theory helped me understand why I was and am so traumatised by it all. It all happened so fast, my head was spinning, from being asked by his wife to help her to bring attacked by them both and him cast as the victim. I could sob just writing this. I’ve had therapy and it really helped.