Spectacular explosive end of promising new relationship and now I feel shit

[BeyondShattered]

I don't even know where to start. I've already spoken about it in general with friends and on the dating thread here, but I don't want to derail any more with my melodrama/overthinking

Marriage ended last year, by then I had already pretty much decided I was no longer into men at all, and when I felt up to it began dating, and met this particular woman. Everything was great, honestly absolutely perfect (I know it's a bit of a cliche to say this here ) meeting parents and friend etc and speaking of a future at some point, til a spectacular gaslighty row on New Year's Day in which she stormed out, and continued to send messages rewriting our entire relationship for the rest of the day. Luckily I had it all in writing or I might have doubted myself.

Part of it is dwelling in my head though, the complaint (first time she ever mentioned it..) that I "expect everything done for me".

Now the breaking up etc is all fine, if a bit crap, as I understand dating is not forever, people move on and meet others etc etc. I'll live.

The crux though... I have multiple physical disabilities and asd. I do need things done for me, but try very hard to do as much for myself as I can. She knew this before we met and mentioned many times she wanted to look after me in the future as I'd been treated so badly. She also has disabled family members so had an insight into it that XH never did - when he couldn't cope with me becoming ill. And she had experience of asd so could understand any quirks.

And now I am really wallowing, sorry... As if it is not hard enough to meet someone you click with when you're divorced with DCs, it is nigh on impossible when you are disabled, unable to work due to that disability or attend clubs etc where others would suggest you meet people, hard for you to get out to meet people for any actual dates, unable to drive - at least for the foreseeable, asd so no doubt you'll bugger something up in misinterpretation. Then add on wanting a same sex relationship and living in a relatively small city, and it's nigh on impossible, before I even add any preferences of my own.
I will end my days alone and I won't even have cats as I'm allergic.

I need a serious kick up the arse.

Bump

She's targeting you with the thing she knows will hurt you the most.! Just because she's female doesn't mean she isn't being a bastard.

How long were you together? It doesn't sound long and it sounds very intense very quickly: meeting friends/family, talking about a future, wanting to take care of you etc. And then snap, big row and rewriting history.

You meet her, you'll be able to meet someone else.

I think we all hope the first one after leaving a shit relationship will be 'the one' and we often throw ourselves into that relationship with really thinking, regardless of the reality. I certainly did.

This too shall pass. Be kind to yourself.

Yes she's nasty and gone straight for the jugular here, you're better off without her. Some people can do an impression of being a dream partner but they can't sustain it, sounds like one of those.
Don't take this to mean you could never have a relationship though.
You're still fairly recently out of your marriage. Would some counselling help?

Yeah it was short and sharp - 3months, plus about a month talking to each other before that. But it didn't seem fast, we saw each other a lot more in that 3 months than my friends have in much longer relationships.

I hope it is just going for the jugular, not that knowing it was intentional to hurt me stops me bleeding out any less

It's not too long out of my marriage, but it was over a long time before we called it a day - I coped with that fine. A hell of a lot better than this!

A lot of people don't realise the reality of having a relationship with a person with disabilities. They romanticise the idea of caring for someone, and the reality is quite dull and limiting. I've had it with a few (male) partners, and then when things go wrong you get the "you're always ill", "you never do anything" etc lines.

You're not at fault. You've been honest about your situation. You'll find someone that accepts it in time.

That's true bombardier, which is why I hoped her having personal experience of it already was a positive. Supposed to be one fewer thing to worry about if she hadn't insisted it was fine (preferable even!) to be 'real' I might have eased her in more gently, not let her see me unwell or whatever

Could you see this coming? It sounds like she had bottled things up then bottled it!

Not at all, the only tiniest hint at her being unhappy with anything was related to my xh - something I understood and thought we were on the same page about as it got to me too.

Last night I have a whole barrage of messages calling me selfish and spoilt, and part of me is now wondering if that is really how I come across :(

She sounds really horrible.

Let's imagine that you have been demanding etc. Why didn't she just say, "I'm sorry, I can't do this any more. I really like you but I don't want to give that level of care to anyone." Then it would have been clear why it ended and you could have both remained on speaking terms.

All these spiteful messages are awful. There's no need for that. She's ended it - why does she keep on sending messages? Are you replying to them? If so, stop now!

OP, have you read this thread?

I have stopped, I only replied earlier as I needed to arrange to collect things from hers. As soon as I have my belongings (if they weren't my favourite boots I'd be tempted to write them off) I will block.

Yeah hollow - I've replied to the op on there too.

I cannot understand anyone sending nasty messages, there is no need for it! You had a lucky escape!!

Hello BeyondShattered, how are you this evening?

I read once that the first relationship breakup after a divorce is often very painful. It certainly was for me. According to the article it was something to do with the fact many people have to suck it up and plug through a divorce, which is often long and difficult, and when their first post divorce relationship ends that's when all the real, emotional pain comes out. I don't know if this rings true for you?

Second, it seems that what people say to you reveals more about themselves than it does about you. If this woman is hurling accusations at you, chances are she's projecting some inner conflict onto you rather than giving you an astute insight into your imperfections. Of course, you're doubting yourself after everything she's said; that shows you're a good person who doesn't blindly go round thinking you're right all the time. But please, take a step back from all that hurt she's throwing at you.

I hope that helps.

I’m doing okay now thanks :)

Still a bit wobbly about the effect of my health, but generally have moved from the sad bit into the angry bit.

Glad to hear you are doing OK. Hope everything goes well for you

Thank you :) she's still in contact, sending absolutely batshit messages (I'm not blocking yet as she is returning some of my belongings this week) which is great actually as it really helps me to see how much of the issue is her rather than me

Sorry you're going through this op. She sounds a horrible person who talked a good game. How could you have known?

Don't think you won't meet someone. You don't know what the future holds and you sound lovely.

I've been in a similar boat (mh problems and possible autism too) and yes, a lot of people want to be 'the rescuer' but they can't actually deal with the reality of someone having needs beyond the usual human ones.

It sucks and it is hard.

She also has disabled family members so had an insight into it that XH never did - when he couldn't cope with me becoming ill. And she had experience of asd so could understand any quirks.

I'll eat my GGD top hat if this statement uttered by your partner is true.

I'm sorry