guilt

[jokesonme]

I don't know if anyone will remember but i had a thread up about the fact that I sexted with a stranger I met online. I am still married and living in the same house as my DH but we had agreed that we were seperated. We've had seperate bedrooms for a long time and don't really talk or anything unless to do with DC or bills etc..
He had never really wanted to split up even though things had got so bad that he had threatened me and grabbed my arm in front of DC
I felt guilty however about what I had done and I think it must show because since I had a chat with him asking to properly seperate he has been a different person, he's making me cups of tea, spending time with the DC, he even bought me presents, I told him I didn't want any of it but he says he can't lose me and he knows some things changed with me and hes desperate to win me back. I can't bear to tell him about the sexting though as I realise it would be cheating to him even though we had seperated in a way and we had said as much.
He's doing so much for me and it feels like when we first met but I can't get over what I've done, if he knew he would become violent.
We've not been in a good relationship with each other since our firstborn DC who is now 7, it's been a long time since I felt like he loved me or even noticed me and I had thought our relationship was dead.
The way he is however is making me feel like we could have it back again but how when I have the guilt of this hanging over me.
Do I divorce him or just let him carry on.

I think it’s best that you go separate way. I think if he had acted like this when you originally discussed separation you could think he was trying to improve some things. That fact that he’s already grabbed you is not okay, and I think if the relationship has had problems why continue to be miserable.

He’s probably not thought that in time you’d want to fully separate, but don’t allow him to manipulate you by only being nice to you now. It’s important you don’t get taken in with this, as if he was genuine he would’ve made a lot more effort within the 7 years since your daughter was born. He shouldn’t only be making more effort with your child now, it will be very confusing for her also.

Without sounding dramatic, I think it maybe best to start planning some things without his knowledge. If he’s a bit temperamental it best not to fuel him with too much information. Seek legal advice and find out where you stand and begin to make plans privately so that when the time comes to stand your ground you can do so with things already in place.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about the sexting at all. It sounds like you have bigger things on your plate. You’re separated and probably haven’t had the intention of getting back together, just don’t be fooled by his charms now.

He will make things very difficult for me plus I've been asking for a divorce for a long time. she
He isn't a bad person he just no interest in me for a long time. Never wanted to go out or even stay in a watch a movie with me
He is being so sweet now but keeps asking me if there's anything I need to tell him as he can sense a shift in me.
I think he's been thinking we will reconcile for the past few years without actually puttinf any effort in

I know it will be hard for you. I can fully empathise when it comes to difficult men, but please don’t allow that to stop you from living a life that your actually happy with, don’t settle for someone who is only now making an effort. He’s had a good few years to really make some changes, and make more of an effort, having a night in watching a movie isn’t much to ask of a husband, if he’s not been giving you that whether you’ve been separated or not how do you expect him to give you it in the future?

He’s been used to having you around, he’s been used to being separated but under the same roof and now he’s probably a little scared in case you go through with it all. Making more effort with the children that you share isn’t something he should be doing to trying to win you back. Being a father and a husband are different roles, living in the same house he could’ve made as much effort with them across previous years than now.

I can understand how worrying it must be especially having children, but if you’re practically living separate lives and there’s an element where he could be violent. Then I wouldn’t continue doing the same thing, I would talk to someone about divorce or legal separation and go down to formal route with him.

If you decide that time comes it’s not going to be the time to be a wall flower. That’s why I say to prepare beforehand. Are you financially independent? Could you maybe ask him to move out to allow you to think about the next steps?

A relationship is so much more than surprises, and cups of tea made, you should be able to get emotional support from a partner, he should be able to give you non-material things you can’t give yourself. Do you think you can get that from him? When the children are older and go independently in their directions, is this the man you want to be with? I’m sure if you said okay let’s get back together the effort would stop. There maybe a part of it where as you’ve not experienced this from him for sometime that it feels like it’s so much more than it is.

To be honest I wouldn’t stay with a man at all who ever Put his hands on me or who I feared would be violent. You can’t live with that fear. You should expect more for yourself.

Since you’ve been separated has he had relationships with other women? I still wouldn’t tell him about the messages, I just think it’s adding fuel to a fire.

Please do not give up on your marriage. So many people on here give advice to just cut your loses and run. However, marriage is a commitment you enter with the intention to not end.

You say your husband has been caring again and showing you the kind of love you need. You need to realise OP that marriage is something you have to work at. It sounds as if your husband got complacent and did not realise that everyday life was getting between you both.

Yes you sexted someone else but it is better that you come clean and see how he reacts. If he becomes violent then you will know he has changed. I think most men forgive things like this when the wife is honest but when he finds out for himself without her telling him, it never ends well.

Just ask yourself if you still love your husband, if your not in contact with this other man and you feel like things are good with your husband then be honest and if all goes well then try the following:

1. Date nights once a week or every couple of weeks. get a babysitter, dress up, go for a meal, movie or bowling and have some fun.

1. Agree to openly discuss your feelings, wants, needs from your marriage and as individuals. When your husbands tells you what he needs, make effort in those areas without telling him just show him and ask him to do the same vice versa. It is important to listen to one and actively try to make your husband happier and for him to the same for you. Encourage him in his career or challenges in other areas of his life. The point is you need to work at it all.

1. Go away for a weekend so you can have alone time and properly communicate about everything. Spend time together alone and you will feel your old feelings coming back.

1. Change your style, workout more, get a haircut, wear sexy clothes around him and remind him that you are a sexy women.

Your marriage should be fun, sexy and full of joy. It does not sound as if you both have been working at it. Relationships do not just happen, you need to work hard at it and even then its hard. Please just don't give up because your scared of what he will say about the sexting. After all it was only sexting and he may appreciate your honesty.

Firstly thank you so much I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice.
I'm 100 percent sure he hasn't had any relationships because apart from work he is always home and doesn't even really go out with friends much. He's never been secretive with his phone so I can usually hear who he's talking to, however I would've honestly been happy for him had he been in a relationship with anyone as I've stated this to him for many years.

To answer your question about once the kids have left home; I dread this day because once it's just him and I we'll have nothing to talk about or do. He used to be very attentive and I was the centre of his world and it feels like that again now but emotionally no he's not there because he doesn't understand me as a person. I've been through depression and have anxiety and when I've tried to talk about these things he will just ummm and ahh and grunt and then tell me to have a day out with friends as if that will cure me!.

I just feel so bloody guilty but you are right it will make things a lot worse.
He will be very very hurt and angry I know it.im more worried about how hurt he will be as I know in his head he never thought it was an actual separation.

we went a whole year without saying anything to each other apart from to pass messages about the dc.

He just now sent me a message to say he loves me and never wants to be without me and it would kill him if I left

deadliftgirl what a load of old shit, the 1950s wants its advice back 🙄

Would you be open to cohabiting even if not romantically involved? He sounds quite retiring and may value the company even without the romance and it sounds like it would logistically work better for you

no I'm not in touch with the man anymore it was practically a stranger and he and I knew nothing about each other's personal lives. I blocked him and don't have his details anymore.

I spent a lot of time in the past sending my DH sexy pics or dressing up for him but I'd get no response unless he was in the mood for it but as soon as it was over he would be back to ignoring me.

It's as If everyone and everything else is more important that me. Even going out for a meal he will have spent more time looking at everyone else or talking to wait staff than to me. I felt unloved.

This past week alone though it had felt like back when we first met but then I think what about all the times I tried to fix things.
The thing that worries me though is that if he becomes violent then that's it, I wouldn't allow him near our children and then there's no going back from that.

totes we have been cohabiting and not romantically involved but they seems to make him think that we are still together or that there's a chance
I feel guilty that hes making such an effort and keeps telling me he's sorry for he past year and that he knows what a good person I am.

@deadliftgirl ODFOD

OP, don't listen to any of her shite advice ffs.

He is a VIOLENT MAN! Do not be persuaded into staying with him. Your fear of him getting angry should tell you all you need to know about the situation. He is afraid you'll leave him. That's where this turn of events has come from. Not any genuine feelings for you.

Please do the Freedom Programme and end this nightmare, if not for you then for your DC. How horrendous must it be to live in a loveless household full of hostility and tension.

He's not been violent unless it was me having an argument with him and going on at him about something. He used to be the kindest man and I've made him like this

You have not 'made him like this'. Violence is violence, no excuses, it is not your fault and you should leave.

You are scared of him, that is no way to live. I'm surprised at some of the advice you've had advising you to continue cohabiting or to get sexy for him.

He is controlling and was happy to live with you and ignore you until you wanted him to leave and suddenly he loves you and will kill himself if you go (which is classic controlling behaviour btw).

Also, he used to be kind because no one ever convinced someone to live with them and have a child by behaving like a shit. He has demonstrated the real him over a number of years. The real him is controlling and abusive.

The key point is if he knew he would become violent
No one should live with someone due to the threat of violence.
The best thing you can do if finalise the separation with a divorce and split of assets so that you live separately and move on with your life.

And as for deadliftgirl wow! I thought those attitudes went out generations ago. Don't listen to that rubbish.

I wouldn't say he was controlling, he's never asked where I'm going or with whom ( admittedly I don't go out much anyway).
I have a pin on my phone and he's never asked what it is.
I do think some of his reluctance to leave is to do with his family. They've never liked me and told him we would'nt last long and he doesn't want to prove them right.
He does scare me and it's not a good situation but I need to take time to figure out how to do this.
He is still being overly nice and reminding me of all the good times we had.He even dug out a scrap of paper and showed it to me, it was something I had randomly written whilst in uni with him and he had kept it all these years. ( we had been revising as a group and id written him a note of what to get me from the canteen and he'd asked and drawn a cartoon picture of him)
He is pulling out all the stops.

OP, it sounds like he is trying to charm you. Don't fall for it. And that he is only violent if you argue with him?? Listen to yourself!!!

Please set yourself free.

I know I need to get out of this but can i be really honest, the guilt of what I've done is what's making me stay, I feel like regardless of what he's done or the fact that we weren't even 'together' I still did something selfish and should've waited until we were legally seperate or at least in seperate homes.

Maybe I'm way off beam here but reading your description I found myself wondering whether he's seen a solicitor about how a divorce would affect him and decided that it very much suits him to stay married.

Why else would a man who hasn't given a shit for years suddenly get so lovey dovey? Seems likely there's more to it than meets the eye.

I don't think so but who knows at this point.
He was never I intentionally nasty to me these past couple of years it's more that he barely noticed me, except to ask me what was for dinner or when he wanted sex. Even then it would be in a position where he wasn't holding me or look me in the eye, very impersonal.(sorry for tmi).
He just made me feel invisible and I felt horrible after having children as my body had changed so much so he didn't help that.
I had brought that up and he said had he ever said anything about my stretchmarks or weight gain and to be fair he's right he's never brought anything up about me changing. ( I did go back down to a size 8 2 years after the last DC however I have the flabby c section mum tum)

posted too soon.
Like I said it wasn't nastiness but lack of attention and I felt like I was just the housekeeper for a long time.
I will see how he is in the weeks to come but I have been doing my homework re. getting a lawyer and working out financial stuff so I'm not putting my head in the sand. I just need to bide my time because he won't make it easy if I do leave.

OP, you can't stay in a bad relationship out of guilt. You must do what is best for you and DC. Living free from fear, being alone or with someone who loves and cherishes you.

Stop beating yourself up about your past actions, and being afraid of him doing the same to you. The past is done. What about your future, how do you want that to be?