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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

INFIDELITY

7 replies

FumingWife · 03/01/2019 16:18

I have read previous threads of a similar nature on Mumsnet and I would appreciate some advice. I have been in a relationship for 20 years and married for 10 years to my partner. We married in 2007 and in 2012 my husband received several calls on his mobile phone which he ignored (it was 1.30 a.m.) and we had both been sleeping. I could hear a female voice and when he cut her off several times, the home phone rang and I answered. She said her name, Shannon, and said that she wanted to speak to my husband. She called me by my name and said "please pass the phone over to your husband, he knows who I am". As my husband pretended to be sleeping I asked her why she wanted to speak to him. She said that she felt sorry for me and that she had been having sex with my husband and then she dropped the news that she had been in our house. She perfectly described the interior and said that my husband preferred much younger and slimmer women. I put the phone down and she phoned back again. I wish that I had demanded more information but I was tired as I had to get up early for a meeting at work. She again phoned and her message remained on the answerphone. My husband explained the next evening that he had been helping someone at his workplace and that the call had been malicious and I should ignore it. I amazingly believed his story and as time progressed I put the call into distant memory cells. This was until May of this year (2018) when my husband fell out with my son from a previous marriage. My son told me in a fit of anger and despair that he had seen my husband going into our house with a female but he couldn't remember the year. He said that he believed she was a prostitute as my husband had been searching for local escorts online. I asked him if he could recall any information at all and he said that when he had seen the computer history "100% British Blonde Bombshell" had come up on a site called 'Adultwork'. I looked and under the name locally and Shannon Summers, came up. I then told my son that her name was Shannon and that many years previously she had phoned me up. My husband admitted to meeting with her on two occasions (on the second he brought her to our house). This was in 2008 as I remember her saying that we had two little birds in a cage in the hallway. They were zebra finch and we only had them for a few weeks. I had gone on holiday abroad with my youngest son as I had just completed a degree and I longed for a break before I returned to full time work. It all became horribly clear. Now looking back through credit card statements I have found many payments to Adultwork made in 2012. My husband also continued searching for local escorts as my son took a screenshot of his computer. Whilst 10 years ago I would have thrown him out immediately I am wondering why I am not doing so. I feel sure I will come to a decision as it is tearing me up inside. He is trying to convince me that he only met with her twice but why the gap of three years plus before she phoned? I feel like the past 10 years have been a sham and that I am an idiot for not challenging him earlier. Surely a prostitute would not remember him after that period of time. The stupid part is that if I was reading this comment from someone else my advice would be to run and keep running.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 03/01/2019 17:16

I'm so sorry. I don't think I'd believe a word he says. He is of course minimising.

No point being angry at yourself. Maybe you weren't ready to hear the truth then.

I'd dump him and look forward. What do you want to do?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 03/01/2019 17:18

He has cheated - and put your sexual health at massive risk.
Ltb

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/01/2019 17:38

Im so sorry, truly this is awful Sad

He is a serial cheat and has disrespected you for the past 10 years...

If that isnt enough to draw the line what will be?

I personally think he's been having a long standing affair as well as seeing prostitutes....

Your son clearly knows what he is.....Find your anger and send this discusting animal packing with the contempt it deserves.

Good luck

Stephanie3babies · 03/01/2019 17:42

Oh dear, you’re head must be all over the place, if you feel he’s still not being totally honest with you then maybe try some couples therapy so he can see how much this has effected you, then you make a decision based on what he says, I wonder why you’re son has only just told you ? Maybe he knows more? Hope you’re ok x

SuziQ10 · 03/01/2019 18:04

On these type of threads I usually say "I'm so sorry to hear this.. .. you poor thing... don't blame yourself.:. good luck to you" etc ---- but honestly, you need to get a grip!!!!

Absolutely pathetic of you to still be suffering this from your husband.
Why did you brush this off previously. He's brought sex workers into your HOME. Your child's home?? The info you have is surely just the tip of the ice burg.

What on earth are you thinking. Find your self respect.

deadliftgirl · 03/01/2019 18:31

I am always the first person to encourage anyone to work out a marriage. I think you both need counselling, separation, him in a spare room and for him to be honest with you about everything. Thats if you want any of that.

I would look up that Shannon women and try to speak to her again and see if there isomer to the story. I hate that your husband has done this to you and you deserve better. Please kick him out of your bed at least and do not brush this under the carpet no more.

FumingWife · 04/01/2019 14:40

Thank you for your thoughts. I have had a few months to consider his actions. He is a good man but a stupid one. He is remorseful and has said he can change and that he wants to be with me. Since discovering the betrayal, he has amazingly said all of the right things. The prostitute denies having contacted me which is no surprise. She did and for other men who are driven by their ego and appendage, this is what happens. I will never trust the same or feel the same but I guess I am not ready to move on yet. I suppose I should suck it up and manage but it is the most painful and damaging experience I've been through. He has emotionally, sexually and financially abused my trust. Thank you, I do appreciate your views. Perhaps I have used this forum to vent my emotions.

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