Long relationship heading sour

[Limelight12]

Ok, I am at a bit of a wits end and its my first time on here....so treat me gently.

Some background:
Married 35 years, known each other nearly 40
Both 59, active, retired, feel about late forties. My wife is slim, attractive, glamorous and really looks after herself
Both been retired for 4 years or so, we travel for around 10-12 weeks a year, gradually working our way round the world
Lovely home, lovely daughter, vintage Jaguar
I am a photographer in my spare time (Fashion, portraiture and travel) My wife is member of 2 book groups, active gym member and gardener of our large gardens
Sounds ideal.

But its all going a bit pear shaped........

I feel a bit put upon ( I do all the boring stuff).

Our sex life is not great ( We have very differing tastes: She: very vanilla, Me: dressing for sex) we don't seem to be able to get a balance that works for both of us. Consequently the bedroom is a battlefield.

As a photographer I have a strong interest in fashion: I occasionally buy my wife clothes and luxury items that she would not buy herself. Clothes from Net a Porter, shoes from Louboutin, casuals from Uterque and Misha collection. These are always on mail order, so a chance to refuse. She never does. Expresses delight and off they disappear to one of her 7 wardrobes, very rarely seeing the light of day. I feel a bit disappointed.

Her Gym and book club commitments are sacrosanct: to the point that "us" time is squeezed to the limit. We have even tried diarising "time for sex" but that seems to defeat the point and usually ends in disaster.

It's not all one way traffic. I have issues with depression and anxiety, I am on a strong cocktail of drugs. Grey winter light only makes it worse. The consequence is that I have mood swings.

Additionally I have had a prostate operation, which now means I can no longer ejaculate and my physical Libido is depressed.

I have recently returned from 8 weeks in the Caribbean restoring coral (my wife joined me for the last 3 weeks) I returned feeling the best I have felt in 10 years ( and looked it). Since then its just been a running battle.

Help

So ... what do you actually want from the relationship?

I would have guessed you were laying foundations for an affair except you say you have problems with your physical libido. Do you want an affair?

(Just curious also about the dressing for sex bit I thought initially you meant both of you, but now I wonder .. do you mean just her?)

Wanksock? a new one on me

Your wife prioritises the gym ... and she looks great. So her going to the gym is linked to one of the things you value in her. Accept that

She prioritises the book club. Book clubs from my limited experience are where middle aged women talk about feelings and their POV about things, and have a damn good chat about interesting ideas - the interior world.

Perhaps your wife is more interested in that, than in dressing up games for a man obsessed with exteriors?

Typically people posting some criticisms - even about really negative stuff - about their partners tend to leven it with positivity eg "he's a shit husband but is great with our cat". You say nothing about your wife really - nothing about who she is, just what she does.

I think you need to be looking at yourself in a profound sense. To have your wealth I'm making an assumption that work and money making has been the focus to date (fair enough). But now you are in a different place - or you should be, if you are to face the inevitable loss of all you value in life. I think you could really do with thinking about what you value in life. And what you value in your wife.

I've just noticed your name too - "limelight". You do seem all about the surfaces!!

I do think you are both extremely lucky to be able to retire so young whilst still being a le to enjoy life to the full and without compromise.

However this opens up the issue of reinventing one's life as an individual and a couple, wbu h can be tricky to a point where it can lead to the realisation that you want entirely different things.

It sounds like you're trying to push your wife towards your own interests and are resentful when she isn't interested.

If she obviously isn't keen on the clothes that you have sent for her then why do you keep sending them? You know that she's not getting any joy from them and is probably just being polite or lazy when she doesn't send them back. It seems strange that you keep pushing it.

Also the sex thing. If she's not interested in dressing up sexually then why do you push it? Surely you want her to feel comfortable with what she's doing with you in bed?

Because otherwise you're pushing her into doing something that you know she's uncomfortable about or not keen on during sex, for your own pleasure. That wouldn't sit well with me. I'd feel resentful and a bit creeped out about it.

Imagine if she wanted you to dress up like a giant hamster (bad example) because she found it sexually arousing. You don't want to but she keeps pushing it on you when you just aren't interested. You would just become resentful towards her.

Nothing is more of a turn off than somebody sulking because you won't do something sexually with them.

Sometimes it's nice to do something that your partner likes to please them. But you have to want to do it and if there's resentment between you she is not going to be interested. Sounds like you need to back off and try to fix the emotional side of your relationship first, before any of the other things.

Sorry op, there were paragraphs. Think they got lost in translation!

When you talk about dressing for sex, are you saying you are a crossdresser?

Thanks, Buckingfrolicks. Be careful what you read into a name as your own demonstrates. I have used Limelight for over 20 years: it was the name of a company I used to work for and seemed an innocuous name to use. Not other connotation implied or expressed

HollowTalk: interesting, but no cross dressing. Just the usual stuff: heels. stockings etc.

So you or her are the heels/stockings? If her, what is your contribution to the dressing up bit?

Sorry ... off on a tangent. Personally can't stand the whole husband gets wife to dress up thing. More of an affair thing, that.

Ironically ... is your wife perhaps seeking physical attention elsewhere? I'd definitely use gym and book clubs as excuses.

You don't seem to be responding to anyone's comments other than pretty glibly. Do you listen to your wife? So you make her laugh? Do you know what keeps her awake thinking? What makes her cry?

Do You. Love. Your. Wife?

You are OBSESSED with very, very shallow things - what she looks like, what you dress her in, your car, etc. Maybe she's not as shallow as you, and you utterly put her off because she KNOWS full well you only want her as something nice looking to get you going.

You haven't once, ONCE, mentioned how you FEEL, about her.