Is it wrong to feel you don’t want to be married anymore?

[DelilahGStar201]

Hi all, a bit of an “off my chest” topic. I also feel like an a*hole writing this.

I’ve known my husband almost 7 years, been married just under 2. He’s a great guy, treats me well and loves me. However, I’m struggling with his beta personality.

I’m more of a go getter and want more from life. He’s happy with whatever he’s got now. He never pushes for more. Sometimes I think that if it weren’t for me, we’d probably be living with his parents, rather than on our own.

Every “big” decision in our lives has been made by me. It feels like he’s riding in the passenger seat. He does cook and that’s his only “domestic” area that he’s being semi-proactive in. I’m the only one driving so I have to get the groceries and sort out any issues that require driving (shopping trips, visiting his parents , taking pet to the vet etc). Planning vacations is all me, fixing things around the house, noticing things that need changing around here, deciding when to move out, switching suppliers etc.

Recently I started my own business and that’s going very well. I tried to help him out of his 9-5 (he was a step away from depression in that job). However his lack of pro-activeness made him a “drain” on the business resources. I kept trying to motivate him to try harder but eventually he decided it was too much responsibility for him.

He is now looking for a 9-5 job with little responsibility/people contact. I recently suggested me trying to start another business venture to get more passive income in. Every time the money topic comes up he gets defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it. He says: do whatever you want. Whatever you think will work.

He’s not interested in being a part of it. He’s very laid back and it’s driving me insane. We don’t really talk about anything apart from films and video games (his passions). I feel a bit like he’s holding me back and making me be more like him.

Apart from his lack of ambition, he’s a good guy but sometimes I feel like we’re more BFFs rather than partners/ married couple. I’m wary of what he’s going to be like when we have DC as that’s a lot of hard work and I dread me having to do everything/most of it.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is lack of motivation not a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

This guy is not right for you.
You know that.
You don't love him.
You don't respect him.
He's a 'good guy'!
That is all.
You don't want to live like this for the rest of your life so it's time to move on.
You've already imagined the DC scenario and it's not positive at all.
Do not have kids with this guy.
You know all of this though.
So take some action.

How old are you both? The lack of driving would really bother me.

I’m 27 and he’s 29

you simply are not compatible, OP. You have different approaches and will only end up resenting each other. Break up now before you regret the next 10 years of your life.

I think about this a lot.
On the other hand, would a similar personality to me prove too much? I’m very conflicted. My parents are the same: Dad is alpha and Mum is beta and they made it work. Thinking about it, this is why I stayed this long in the first place thinking this is what it should be like? I’m confused ...

don't have kids. It's ok to leave this. This won't get easier.

I know someone like you who is married to someone like your husband. Initially I think they were attracted to each other as they are polar opposites. Very bad move. He’s very laid back, always just does what she says and she’s very driven and money orientated (not saying you are!)

It’s very obvious to those of us on the outside that they are completely incompatible long term. They are leading separate and parallel lives now. She openly admits she is utterly bored of him. There’s no respect there. No one will be surprised when they divorce. It will be her initiating it, as he won’t have the drive to get divorced either

It’s very sad to see, as they are both nice people, just completely unsuitable for each other.

You only have one life. You’d be much happier with someone more similar to you. That’s usually key, speaking as a long term married person myself. He will never have a personality transplant, and shouldn’t be expected to.

Good luck

Being a good guy isn't always enough, compatibility is important too. He sounds like he's not right for you and you're smart to address it before children enter the picture. Why did you fall for him in the first place?

why did you marry him?

Just stop for a moment with your 'wants' and how great you are at doing stuff and reflect on why after 10 years you have woken up and feel like this.

What's gone wrong? You had 8 years before tying the knot. You went ahead. Why?

You are still very young. You ,met at 17. People aren't fully mature till they are 25.

How much is this about you not wanting to compromise and learn to live with someone, and how much he's just not your type at all?

You need to be really honest with yourself. An alpha male might be a PITA, selfish and domineering. How does that sound?

You don't necessarily need an alpha male but I think you need a man who contributes SOMETHING more than just "being nice". I'm more alpha than my husband as I earn a lot more, have more drive and do all the diy however he does all the driving, most of the housework, etc and he does work. There needs to be some balance and you don't have that in this marriage. You're young and let's face it, that makes it easier to find someone new.

There is a theory that we reach adulthood at 27 so not surprising you have had this change of heart.

Sadly growth in different directions can happen with early marriages.

So we met while in Uni. In the beginning, it was great as there were no money worries, we didn’t have jobs etc. We simply enjoyed each other’s presence. Unfortunately, as life started happening, jobs, responsibilities, I somehow took over the alpha role and he’s just happy to tag along. To be honest, I don’t think I could leave him. It would destroy him. I’m just hoping that he will grow up eventually...

You've outgrown him; grown up & moved on with your life.

That's why it's called a starter marriage (when you settle down too young).

I am you after 12 years of marriage and 2 DC. We are good friends but have lived as housemates for 2 years. He's a wonderful devoted dad and lovely person. But the differences in our levels of drive, appetite for life, and willingness to leave our comfort zones have driven a massive wedge of resentment and distrust between us.

You sound like you have enough self awareness and empathy to get along fine for a while, enjoying his company and monitoring whether that change you hope for really is likely. But don't, above all don't, have children unless you're 10000% sure the issues are resolved. I feel as though I have to choose between my hopes of a social companion / sex life / decision shared and my children's stability. Don't put yourself in that position.

I promise he will get over it if you break up. You'll both be sad but you'll get past it

I could have written your post a few years ago and pretty much word for word.

It does not get easier unless one of you significantly compromises or your character or fundamentally changes. Given that he's the more laid back one, any changes or compromises are likely to come from you. He is unlikely to do so. Conversely, however, you are also the one that's most likely to be left frustrated and unfulfilled by such significant compromises/changes, so it's a double edged sword.

In the end, I instigated the break up. I was exhausted with constantly being the driving force in addressing any problems in our relationship, doing life admin, encouraging him to take more risks in his relationship, planning our socialising/holidays,/home improvements etc etc. You may find that, if your DH was like mine, that he will know there are problems but won't want to address them, in itself a problem. We started on a temporary split but it soon became evident that he couldn't be bothered to fight for it. In the end, it was frighteningly (and in some ways hurtfully) easy for us to separate.

Like you, I could not envisage having children with someone like him the older I got: commitments such as a mortgage were hard enough. I became resentful of his lack of drive (including sex drive) and spent a large time feeling angry, unwanted, taken for granted and bitter. I know he will have never intentionally wanted to make me feel that way, but it wasn't within his character to address that.

A word of warning though, although it should in no way influence your decision. Be prepared to find that because he is such a nice guy, so-called mutual friends may see you as the bad guy. This happened in my case despite me not forcing friends to take sides and explaining very little about the break up. But because I was the driving force, and got the house (because he didn't want to take it on, I then bought him out and generously so) I know I was seen by some as the bitch.

The choice is yours OP, but I was older than you are (yet still young enough to turn my life around) so you still have time to heal and start afresh. So does he. I'll not pretend I haven't felt some significant guilt along the way, because he was so nice, but I don't for one minute regret my decision.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. It is not easy, but please don't stay on account of him being gutted. You stay because you want to fight for him and can't imagine your life without him.

Hi OP I was in a very similar position to you, been with somebody for ten years, left him at 26. Not abusive, loyal & a good friend BUT not compatible in terms of ambition, life goals & hobbies. The differences only grew until they affected every area of our life as you said house choices, holidays bills etc. Very hard as he didn’t do anything wrong just not right for each other. Initially he was devalued but we are now incredibly happy with other people who we are much more suited too! I’m sure he’d say it worked out for the best & it was much kinder on him for me to finish it... good luck xx