my husband is crap with money.

[Moneyconfusion22]

I don’t know what I seek from this post except to write it down. I literally don’t have anyone else I can talk to about this.

My husband of 20 years has always been shite with the money. He is a happy, larger than life person with a job which can be a bit unpredictable in terms of income. As such we have always just scraped by.

Our son of 16 is autistic with ADHD and four years I stopped working as he was struggling massively and needed me at home. I know lots of people in similar positions who manage to cope with disabled children and hold down full time jobs but I just couldn’t do it, I was exhausted and making errors at work ..stopping gave me the chance to support DS without the added pressure did work.

At the time I was single parenting as DH and I had separated ...we did this in 2008 and got back together three years ago. In effect we never really separated as we still got on so well but there was a big issue in 2008 (not an affair) which left me emotionally broken. We split and do I lived alone with DS for 8 years with 3 years on full benefits.

When DH moved back in I finished all benefits claims as between us we managed the rent and council tax plus other bills but it was a struggle.

Two years ago DHs parents gave him a lump sum of £20k. Now this was very welcome at the time as I was driving a car which cost me just £150 to buy and was falling apart. We replaced my car and his with newer cars but not brand new...my car is still 10 years old but it goes and repairs are minimal. DH did likewise.

We have separate bank accounts and DH while not secretive is very non commital when we discuss finances, ...if I ask how we’re doing I get a vague “we’re fine”. I don’t ask further as he’s like a child over money ....it stresses him so he won’t discuss it, this is relevant.

Last year his parents gave him a further £40k and apart from £13k which is in a savings account the rest of it is gone. It has literally been frittered away on clothes, overnight hotel stays when he is working away, wine, meals out, takeaways the lot. I’ve benfitted from rent being paid on time every month and other bills like shopping,...but he doesn’t stick to a budget. My only income is Carers Allowance and DLA for our son. Ironically I have a place in September to return to nursing which will give me a. much better income but because DS is struggling and anxious I am trying desperately to get him through his final year at school. He attends a special school but I have to take him as he can’t cope with public transport and the school taxi service changed his driver in September who had been taking him since Y7 and he couldn’t cope with5 the change.

So we come to now. DH is broke apart from the £13k (yeah I agree that’s not “broke”) and moaning about the rent and how short of money we are. I knew this day was coming and have been trying to talk to him but to no avail....he’s closed mouthed and irritable when money is discussed. We are actually six weeks ahead with the rent but that’s because I planned for this “we’re broke” day so we’ve got some leeway,

I feel sick at the amount of money he has gone trhrough . Beyond the rent which is low (social housing) and council tax he has just gone through the rest like water, he does have work this month which will generate an income to keep us going but that’s dependent upon him being paid on time which doesn’t always happen . At the moment he is selling stuff he’s bought and didn’t need but won’t get back anything like what he has spent.

We can’t separate (and nor do I want to) as my life has been so much better since he came back. I have a life again and a route back into work with shared responsibility for our DS . I also do love him believe it or not and we have a shared humour and friendship deeper than anything alive ever experienced before,

I don’t know what I want from anyone reading this apart from maybe advice about discussing finances with a man child (he is exactly that when it comes to finance discussions). In all other areas discussions are reasonable and easy.

People will ask are you sure it's not a gambling problem. Have you seen bank statements that say where it has gone. 27 grand is a lot of takeaways and hotels. I limit my family to one takeaway every 3 months as they are expensive.

No I haven't seen his bank account as he is bizarre about it all.
I am not a takeaway person so he tends to order for himself and DS.

I suspect meals out with friends while away hasn't helped.

I hope to God there's no gambling going on.

He told me there was enough for the rent but a "credit card payment" went out. He says he used the CC a lot for Xmas but told me last week that he used another savings account for Xmas.

Clearly there are questions I need to ask him

I would also be concerned about gambling

You need to see and get on top of the family finances. You are married it’s your money too. It’s also your responsibility to know what comes in and what goes out. As a couple you need to do this together.

He’s a man child for behaving this way but you know this. What is your role and what do you want it to be.

I would be concerned about prostitites too. What do his parents say about frittering all this money?

You need to see all the statements.

How can you plan anything, if you don't know what money there is?

Would you be better off financially if you were living apart again?

Just tell him - we need to make a plan for the finances. I am happy to help, but we need to do it together. When I'm working it will be better, but for now, please can we work together to fix the budget.

If you won't leave him over this, then I'm not sure what you can do other than appeal to him, because you can't threaten him...

£27K over 2 years is just over £1,000 per month.

Depending on your other income as a family, and your fixed outgoings, it's not perhaps completely outrageous - money is easy to spend if you don't keep an eye on it. If he's not had regular income every month, then that will be part of the problem. "A job which has always been a bit unpredictable" could mean some months that £1,000 'extra' was paying for everything?

You need to look at it over 12 months, and then try to forecast forward.

You say meals and nights away in hotels. Was that for the both of you ? I ask because surely if you knew it was living beyond your / his means , you should have questioned this a good time ago ?

Hi Victoria no it isn’t with me, he works away lots of the time so stayed in hotels when he should have driven. Again any comment was met with irritation because he doesn’t want to discuss it.

I suspect the same with males out although we did take DS out for a meal on his 16th Birthday which we paid for ...it included us and DS’s friend and his Mum.

Can’t remember last time he and I went out for a meal apart from that. I know he has done this with friends in various parts of the country when working there,

And yes I hear what you are saying NoSquirrls

It’s difficult as my only income at the moment is DLA and Carers Allowance l I’ve just had a letter telling me DS has to switch to PIP and I am dreading there being issues as it will take away the only income I have while dealing with DS’s issues. From September he has dedicated transport to college but I am stuck until then.

However yes the “unpredictable income” can be hard and it’s the reason we don’t claim anything and didn’t when he moved back in as it’s just too difficult to assess income. We scraped by before this money and will do again.

I seriously doubt any money spent on protstitues ...he’s very outspoken about the way men use women . I realise some men pay lip service while indulging but I doubt this with DH.

I will talk to him about money but I am hoping it’s just as Squirrel said....lots of money but no budgeting and so it’s gone. He can’t touch the £13k as he has to give notice and I am relieved about that.