Separating but living together? Or not? Help!

[Confusedmama12]

This is my first post...hoping for some helpful ideas/insights/experience..

Been married 10 years, together for 15. Have three lovely children together (8,5,2).

Never been a passionate relationship and sex life has always been minimal. Looking back if I'm honest I think we didn't fancy each other enough and 'settled' because we were best friends, wanted the same things etc.

Haven't had sex now for 2.5 years and have both become distant in the marriage. We get on well as friends but very limited connection. Always assumed we would stay married whatever happened because of the children. Recently been bickering a lot and both miserable so discussions around separation have happened. We are both 100% committed to our children. DH is fantastic dad and very hands on. No way I would want him only seeing them weekends or something.

Cannot afford to keep current house alone and children have been through enough turmoil in last year for other reasons so we agree we need to keep the house. Big enough for us to have separate bedrooms and have considered separating but living together. Confident we can be good friends but things cannot go on as they are. I need love and affection and not willing to give up on sex at the age of 32.

Is this unrealistic? Have seen lots of people say it's a nightmare - any positive experiences? Or other advice/thoughts?

Feeling totally confused and depressed living in limbo of not knowing what to do.

Thank you

This post was edited by MNHQ

I think its a real shame that you are in a loveless marriage. It does seem like you both settled as there does not seem to be any spark between you and your DH, from what you have said. You say your 32 but why would you settle for someone when you would have been in your 20s when you both met? However, this has come and gone and you have found yourself in the position you are now.

I am going to suggest something completely different and urge you and your DH to try this before you go down the shared living, separation route. You and your DH need to start making changes to your daily lives as a couple and individuals. Try these things and talk to your DH about them too see if he is open to any of the suggestions below:

1. Go on a date night (1 night a week, every 2 weeks). A nice meal, a movie, dancing or bowling. You both deserved to get dressed up, have fun and have some conversation. Try to get a babysitter and try too build chemistry between you both as there should have been a little about for you both to want to get married.

1. After a long day at work, 2 or 3 times a week, you should both sit down and talk about your feelings. How was your day, what is worrying you, what you want from life and more importantly what you want from your marriage. I know my husband is happy in our marriage when I even make the smallest effort to keep a tidy home and have his dinner for him coming home from work. It is important that you listen to each other. When your husband tells you somethings he would like to see improve, you should then put those things into action and try to encourage a positive relationship between you both. I think its also important to encourage your husband to follow him dreams and push him towards engaging in the things that will advance his career. I always push my husband when he needs to study more, even when he cannot be bothered studying.

1. I think you need to remind your husband that you are a sexy women. Get a hair cut, a new wardrobe, perfume, workout and change your style. Do not even tell your husband but let him notice you. If you want your husband to engage in sex then you need to know the things that turn him on. I would buy sexy slips (night wear) and just wear that around your husband once the children have gone to bed and see if he notices. Do not engage in sex, do not try to do anything but see his reaction and whether he does show some interest.

1. This one is down the line once you have tried the other things first. Book a weekend away for you both, does not need to be abroad but just say oh yeah I saw this deal on Groupon and I booked it. I have always wanted to go here, so lets go next weekend or something. You want to plan activities where you can look great, feel good and engage in communication with him.

1. Encourage him to have time out with his friends. if he does not do this often or does, show him that you are saying, "hey when was the last time you saw so and so, why don't you go too the pub or out on the town with him" as its been long since you had a catch up. This shows that you are allowing him to have his own time and it will build trust between you both.

1. Buy him new clothes, book him in for a haircut, get him new aftershave or bath salts or something. If you are not attracted to your husband then subtly encourage him to lose weight, change his style or scrub up a bit as this may encourage you to start feeling butterflies for him again.

I think overall, you should sit down and explain to your husband that after 15 years together you do not want to give up just yet. Explain that you feel the spark is gone from your marriage but before you guys become separated and living together, you want to try and spend 6 months at least trying too see if a spark can come back. Be honest about some of the suggestions I have made like date nights and opening up about your feelings once or twice a week. The other things like changing your style and trying to seduce him, I would keep under wraps. Tell him that there is no harm trying as he is not moving out either way and this way you both get some nights out of it either way. If it doesn't work then you can discuss separation later down the track.

I just think if you agree to living together and being separated, it will get to a point that you want to bring someone else home or he does and lets be honest what person in their right mind would start dating a person who is still living with their ex. From what you have said nothing much will change apart from the separate bedrooms. Try to save your marriage by applying the steps I suggested and you may have some fun along the way.

Thank you for all of those ideas. I think I feel hopeless that it's gone past the point of date nights and rekindling a spark this far down the line but I can see the value in those suggestions and appreciate your thoughts.

Is there anyone out there who has successfully navigated this one way or the other?

Your children will know, if they do not already, that things between you and their dad are not great. They will see separate bedrooms and your reactions to each other both spoken and unspoken. I would urge you both not to keep on teaching your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too.

Your whole idea about being separated but living together is fraught with problems and will not ultimately work. What if one of you meets someone else?.

Is that what you want to teach them about relationships, that your current residence is somehow more important, is your need for this house really that great?. They will not thank either of you for doing that to them.

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together and using these children as the glue to keep you and he together, they cannot be used as that. You are not also the best of friends either now particularly as you are now bickering with each other. Both you and he can continue to coparent amicably when apart.

I’m just about to do this, but I’m keeping the house and he’s renting elsewhere. I think it’s be really difficult to explore other options if everyone is living under the same roof

My exh and I were also in the best friends no passion category. We lived in the same house for 6 months after separating and by the end it was like living in a pressure cooker, the atmosphere was awful. There was a lot of unexpected resentment on both sides about things that we hadn't really given much thought to previously and it was quite unpleasant at times. If you both go on to date other people whilst still living together there is a good possibility that one or both of you will feel very uncomfortable about it. Also, any new partners may feel very uncomfortable with your living arrangements. There is just so much thst could go wrong, I personally wouldn't recommend it