I don’t want my marriage to end but I don’t know what’s what to do.

[BunnyRuddington]

I’ve namechanged for this one, been around for a little bit though and hoping for some perspective.

DH has depression. I’ve been diagnosed with it in the past and have worked very hard to get back to good mental health, I know it’s not always the case that people can’t avhieve his best it DH makes zero effort.

He’s on Sertraline and won’t ever book any follow up appointments with the GP. The last time he’s saw the GP I’d phoned the surgery because I was that worried about him, he’d just taken to his bed. The GP was very good a and didn’t let him know I’d phoned and arranged for him to come in. Now it’s its upto DH to make the appointments we’re back to square one where I suggest he needs to go or ask him to ring the surgery and he does nothing.

He doesn’t do anything else at all to help his mental health. He never sees friends, eats far too much, takes no exercise. Literally nothing. I could live with that if he didn’t play the depression card when things aren’t going his way.

Today he’s fell out with DD whilst I was at the GP with DC1. Yes, she can be a handful but he takes it so personally and sulks. I’ve suggested going back to the GP again. In the end I’ve said I’m sick of him being miserable and making everyone else in the family miserable.

He’s said this is a very self centred way of me looking at things. I’ve said he’s hes being self centred by not sorting out his depression. I suppose I shoukd have posted in AIBU but I’m not brave enough!

We were on our way out, I’ve asked him to pull over and walked back home, i just cant cope with the sulking and misery anymore.

He does have good points, usually we get on well. This morning he’s taken down the christmas decorations while come we were out too.

I’m sitting here dreading him coming home. How do I make him see that he needs to stop the moods and sulking?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you that is worth having?. Is this really the model of a relationship your dad should be seeing here?. What is she learning here about relationships from the two of you?

What good points does he have here?. Taking down the Christmas tree decorations does not count. How much of this is due to him being abusive towards you as opposed to being depressed?. Depression also does not give him a pass here to act so badly towards you.

His behaviour could also be seen as an example of emotional abuse towards you . You are not and have never been responsible for his sulking behaviour, that is all on him. You also cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

Think on your own future within this because if you remain with him for your own reasons, you are in for more of the same. He does this also because he can and this works for him.

This is not a good role model for your DC.
Nor is it a good example of what their adult relationships should look like.
Please think of them and yourself right now.
He is a funsucker.

He will suck all of the joy out of yours and your DC lives if you don't do something about it.
He will carry on doing this, because, as PP said, it works for him.
You get one shot at this life.
Just one. Do you want to spend the next 20 years living like this?
Because that is what you are facing unless you take action.
Time for you. Time for your DC to be in an environment that is happy, loving, where they can be themselves.
Continue on like this at your own peril.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. Thanks looks like i have some serious thinking to do.

Sit down have a chat see if he can take some steps to deal with his depression. I hope you have friends and some things to do to get some time on yr own. Try and work things out. Has he got a long history of depression can you see him changing?

I remember saying to DH one day ‘I don’t care what you do today, just get out of the f@$&ing bed!’ Yelled in his face.
As I don’t normally swear, this shocked him and he went to the GP.
He now takes responsibility for his MH.
It may take a unlike you moment for him to realise that he needs to sort himself out, you can’t do it for him.
Mine had counseling as well, and found that very helpful.

Having grown up with a parent who had bi polar I often think MH is all about that person but what about everyone else who is affected by it. They say that having a parent with MH issues can be as bad as living with a parent who is a drug addict. It's not to say that person cannot help their illness but they have to take responsibility for it and do what they can to help themselves. So it's your DCs who will be affected too and you have to pick up the slack.

I was in a similar situation. I had to end my marriage. It was always unclear to me whether it was his depression or whether he was being abusive, and I agonised over that for years.

In the end, it didn't matter what the cause was, the effect was the same, I was miserable and it was damaging to the kids.