I think I’m the narcissist

[Narc]

For years I have read posts on here describing narcissistic people and their behaviors. Unfortunately the stance I have sadly related to is the stance of the narc themselves. Not at as outwardly or extreme as many of the posts but definitely undeniably narcissistic and manipulative. I’ve heard it described as “an addiction to feeling special” which really resonates, in work for example I’ve had to really try to make sure I don’t relate every conversation to me and my experience, my opinion or thoughts. I’d say I have a few exes who are relieved to have dodged the narc bullet as I have behaved so badly, I won’t date or get involved with anyone anymore as they will undoubtedly and evidently be better off not being involved with me and I don’t mean that in a poor me way. It’s like my insecurities subconsciously make me manipulate things to be their main focus to the detriment of other things in their life.

I have empathy and I do have good traits and I know I could be a happy addition to someone’s life if I work all this murkiness out. I’m a genuinely good friend but it has taken me some years to learn as I had insecurity born form (back in my teenage days) for trying to isolate friends from others.

Has anyone any advice how I can work through this or has anyone experienced similar themselves and managed to get a handle on it?

I highly doubt you have NPD. Reason being, you think you do. Everyone has Narc traits, no matter what. I have Narc traits because my mother is a Narc and as an Autist, I mirrored her traits growing up. It doesn't mean I am one. So please do not worry, your post is too thoughtful for you to have NPD.

To clarify a bit, you are worried that you have NPD. People with NPD would not worry about it affecting anyones life, hurting anyones life. They would just accept it. I spoke to my therapist about this too, as I was afraid that I was going to be like my mother.

I was afraid that I was going to be like my mother.

This is my exact fear. I have DC though and am blown away by how much more I love and care for them than she did but I also have moments that scare me how like her I can be

@Narc, I understand how frightening that is. However, my therapist (who has 30 years experience and is very highly regarded) says that a high percentage of those with NPD would not even feel a twang of guilt or fear about it. You, on the other hand, do. Please rest easy. You are not a Narc.

I'm very interested in these kind of topics because of my experiences and people I have known.

Is it possible you have simply picked up negative patterns of behaviour because of insecurities that haven't been addressed in life?

I find self awareness a big indicator of not having something like NPD,especially when someone chooses to stay single to avoid hurting others. Like you say with help you could probably address these issues and self awareness is a good thing with any area affecting mental health.

It’s like my insecurities subconsciously make me manipulate things to be their main focus to the detriment of other things in their life

That sounds more like BPD actually! But yes, the fact that you are worried about it and are making changes to your behaviour to mitigate the effect on others would go against an actual personality disorder. Lots of people have negative behaviours, PDs are much more than that.

But counselling might still help, if you can afford it.

You don't sound like someone with NPD. MNers are very quick to shout narc or diagnose someone with NPD when it's more likely an arsey abusive ex or a self absorbed, anxious mother. I'd get some counselling if I were you to talk through your worries.

Doesn't sound it. I have issues with myself where I always want to join in a conversation and have to stop myself interrupting people. It is AWFUL and I hate it about myself - I try very hard to make sure I don't do it. Being aware of personality blips and trying to alter them is a good thing!

None of us are perfect, being aware of these things is positive.

Have you heard of FLEAS? when you live with a narcissist (parent or partner) you can end up adopting their patterns of behaviour because that's all you've known. It means you look like a narcissist but aren't one and you can change your patterns of behaviour.

I'm not going to say you're a narcissist or not a narcissist, but either way it clearly bothers you a lot. From what you said about being a bad friend in the past by trying to isolate friends but you've changed now, indicates there's a high chance that you can slowly adapt your pattens of behaviour to something healthier. Some sort of social skills training plus therapy might help you a lot.

Personally I think that being aware of the maladaptive behaviour and wanting to change are the two keys to improvement in Cluster B personality disorders (narcissistic, borderline, histrionic etc), whether genuine or FLEAS. You've got reasonable awareness of the first key and are motivated about the second. Lots of work in front of you and it will be -hard- and you'll feel very vulnerable, but I reckon you can do it.

Having Narc traits is not the same as being a narc.
I would suggest you get some counselling / therapy to tackle having to have dealt with a narc mother.
A true Narc would not even considering typing a post like this.
A true Narc wouldn't give a shiny shite if they upset people in previous relationships.

Maybe a bit of reading might help too?
Go on Amazon and google 'narcissistic mothers'

Try this!

psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz/

Sorry can't do clicky links

I honestly don't think you are a Narc, as pps say - you wouldn't give a damn if you were one! total Narcs lack empathy and don't care if they hurt others. You clearly do.

Oh - it is a clicky link!

I’m so happy and relieved to read all your replies. I was honestly half expecting “don’t inflict yourself on others, relinquish your children, never date again”
It’s just something that has been creeping up on me the more narcissism gets mentioned and it’s horrible actually recognizing yourself in the baddie of a story!
Really appreciate it!

If you're feeling like this, step away from google and don't read up too much on the internet about these things too much
I'm sure a lot of us could self diagnose with various things if we looked at traits in black and white terms/follow what we find on google etc.

No, OP, you're not a Narcissist. What is very possibly happening, though, is that you overly identify with this part of your mother to the point where you can't see where she ends, and you begin. Therapy can really help with this.