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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so disgusted with myself

21 replies

woodtop · 03/01/2019 00:17

Not quite sure where to turn for advice - have used this site as a lurker for years so hope that people can help me.

I have betrayed by dh really badly. Our marriage has been a bit rocky over the past 12 months. Nothing in particular has caused this, other than an accumulation of work stress, parenting, money worries and general life. Our Marriage seemed to get a bit 'lost'.

In September .dh was away for a week working. Things had been tense around that time and I was feeling totally peed off. I did something really really bad. I logged on to some adult chat rooms for a couple of hours over the space of 3 nights and engaged in some sexual chat with other guys and a couple of girls. Some of the others used webcams but I didn't get involved in that. At the time it was exciting and gave me that feeling of naughtiness that I hadn't felt for a while. I know that this is totally unacceptable but I am being honest. I didn't reveal any personal info so there is no way that I could be identified or traced. This is something that I did many years ago as a single girl, but it's totally our of character for me in recent years. (married for 11years).

Since September dh had changed job to a more local job, more money and more time at home. Things are massively better and our marriage feels back on track in all respects.

he has no idea what I did in September and I really don't want to tell him - but I keep getting pangs on guilt.

I have so much as kissed another guy in real life so I am not a serial cheater!

I think he would be devastated if I told him, but at the same time it feels so deceitful. Why the hell was I so stupid! It will NEVER happen again.

OP posts:
NoIAmSpartacus · 03/01/2019 00:19

I don't think you need to tell him OP. Things are clearly better in your relationship now and it doesn't sound like you'll be doing it again anytime soon!

Original poster
woodtop · 03/01/2019 00:22

I feel like such a cheater though.

OP posts:
twominfromthebeach · 03/01/2019 00:23

Live and learn, and move on. No real harm done here, possibly actually a positive.

SandyY2K · 03/01/2019 00:24

I'd just focus on your marriage and don't bother saying anything. You chatted with randoms months ago anonymously. Just leave it and move on.

Bigonesmallone3 · 03/01/2019 00:26

U don't need to tell him, I wouldn't.
U wasn't emotional invested in anyone, was a few moments out of real life..

11yrgap · 03/01/2019 00:33

Move on. It wasn't right what you did but you deeply regret it. Some people would think nothing of it other than glad they got away with it. You feel really bad and are obviously riddled with guilt so shows that you're a good person that made a mistake. I would say the same to a man.

If my partner told me about this, I think I'd be really upset and start imagining more happened. In a way you're keeping something from him, but I think its one of those situations where you telling him would be because you feel guilty and want to feel better, think of his feelings and if it would be of any benefit for him to know. Move forward and treat each other well.

Weathermonger · 03/01/2019 00:54

Think it through. You didn't cheat, but you feel guilty. Are you confessing to your partner to make him feel better or yourself ? You may feel a weight lifted if you tell him, but think how your husband will feel.

user14869556378 · 03/01/2019 01:01

Do not tell him! Nothing physical or emotional happened, it was one time, you regret it and learnt from it and things have improved.

Once I confessed something 'minor' as I felt so guilty and my partner at the time didn't believe me, he was so convinced more happened and left me for good.

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 03/01/2019 01:09

It's words on a screen during a momentary lapse of good judgement.

Not earth shattering and I wouldn't tell, but you might want to do a bit of work on what led you to that place and think about what you could do to avoid it, should a similar situation arise again, as it clearly wasn't worth it.

ShatnersWig · 03/01/2019 08:16

Didn't I read an almost identical OP a couple of days ago?

sandi80 · 03/01/2019 09:31

Very similar to my thread only mine was about physical cheating. I think that it would be wrong to tell him. What would he gain from it? It’s not like you’ve actually slept with someone else. In the Scheme of things it’s not a major deal but he would think there was more to it.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 03/01/2019 14:19

I wouldn't tell him. I think it would actually be a bit selfish to tell him, you'd only be doing it rid yourself of guilt, not to benefit him. It'll break the trust and tbh, you didn't really do anything. Just learn from it and move on

fuddle · 04/01/2019 00:26

You've told us so you've got it off your chest. I'm sure plenty of people do things they regret not that it means it's acceptable. Just think about why you did it. Is there anything in your relationship that needs working on.

oofadoofa · 05/01/2019 17:48

This site is just mental. MENTAL..

I read a fairly similar thread this week but from the other side, as in a woman discovering her OH paying for sex chat etc.. the vitriol and accusations of ‘engaging with prostitutes and asking them to perform sex acts for your pleasure’ is 100% cheating, was deafening.

I happen to not agree, it’s just some camera fun and you’d do well to just forget about it. But I’m a dude so that probably makes me a bastard, and the point still remains, mumsnet posters are blind to their own prejudiced rage towards men and any advice should be taken with that fact in mind.

Smellbellina · 05/01/2019 17:51

Can you not see the difference between paying for sex and not paying oof ? Confused

oofadoofa · 05/01/2019 18:59

Yes, but in this context (Webcam sex) I can’t see how it makes such a big difference.

They’re all strangers logging in of their own free will and agreeing to gratify each other, sometimes for the exchange of money.

NotTheFordType · 05/01/2019 20:02

Can you not see the difference between paying for sex and not paying oof ?

Well yes obviously it's a lot more upfront and honest to pay, and of course helps local independent businesswomen stay in business.

Plus, keeps things transactional so nobody's in danger of catching feelings and putting their relationships at risk.

iLoveFoood · 05/01/2019 20:05

Imagine if a man wrote this

It would be all 'Shame on you, tell your wife'

I love mumsnet 😂

greendale17 · 05/01/2019 20:08

MN hypocrisy at its finest on this thread.

11yrgap · 05/01/2019 20:15

I said in my first post I would say the same to a man. The reason I would say move on to the OP or a man is because at the point that this happened there were problems in the relationship and I don't think the OP was in a happy mindset when she did what she did.

I do believe that people look for comfort in the wrong places when they're unhappy or needing attention. It's not something I would do but I don't think OP and her husband were at a healthy point in their relationship when it happened.

If a man posted saying he was wracked with guilt and had stopped anything further happening like the OP has I would hope people would be as kind in their responses and look at the bigger picture.

oofadoofa · 05/01/2019 21:03

Sorry, I think a bit of context was lacking in my first post. In the thread the other day, the accusation of prostitution was made against the people offering webcam services. Reading it now I don’t think I made that clear, and kind of explains why you wanted me to recognise the difference between sex and not paying.

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