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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex keeps paying his half of the bills

47 replies

carrotflinger · 02/01/2019 21:13

My ex moved out at the beginning of November. He has always paid half of his bills by standing order. He said he would cancel the standing order and hasn't. This happened the last time he moved out (yes we split up once before). He just would not cancel it and the money kept coming in until he moved back.

I do not want to engage with him at all to ask him to stop the standing order. He won't anyway. Can I get the bank to block it or something like that? Two months of money has now come in since he left.

I refuse to contact him to discuss this as I think he is using it as a way of keeping contact or forcing me to contact him. See my posts on other threads if you want more info - don't want to go into detail here again.

Just wondered if this had happened to anyone else and what to do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
carrotflinger · 02/01/2019 22:23

@HettySunshine - no he paid that back by a separate bank transfer a couple of weeks after leaving.

OP posts:
HettySunshine · 02/01/2019 22:27

Ah, that's good. Sorry if I missed that update.

What a pita he is. I think the pp's have covered it then. Speak to your back and if they can't stop it from their end then do as you are doing and keep it in a separate account.

I really hope he fucks off out of your life completely very soon Wine& Cake in the meantime.

NChangeForNoReason · 02/01/2019 23:06

Switch your current account to a different bank and close the account he is sending to. I think it should then return his payment and you could get cash for switching!!!

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 23:10

I'd send one last message. "You're still paying X amount into my account. Please cancel the payment, otherwise I'll assume it's a gift"
Thank you

Dirtybadger · 02/01/2019 23:17

I have the same issue with someone paying me for services I haven't been providing for 18 months. I have tried emailing and posted a letter. Money comes in every month (to the charity account I work for not me directly). My understanding (might be different if it's personal) is that he is entitled to his money back. So good for ring fencing. The bank said I can't stop the money going in. So we just pay it back regularly. It's a ball ache Confused

Isleepinahedgefund · 02/01/2019 23:59

I wouldn't even send it back, as his goal is to get you to engage. Keep ring fencing it like you are, and eventually he will contact you and you can go from there. If you send it back, all he will register is that you took notice and engaged.

Opening a new account isn't that hard, might be something to think about in the long run if he persists.

WisdomOfCrowds · 03/01/2019 00:16

Is there anything that he really hates or finds annoying? Spend the money on that. Buy lavish gifts for that friend he told you was no good. Have your hair professionally dyed that colour he said didn't suit you. Hell, use the money to go on dates with other men! You don't have to tell him, just relish it in private. Every time he send you money blow it all on the retail equivalent of giving him the finger.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 03/01/2019 13:44

He hated me buying clothes. I could spend the money on clothes... but he may well decide in 6 months time that he wants the money back and starts sending messages. In which case I would pay him back.

A few people have suggested changing bank account. I am not going to the trouble of doing that because of this fuckwit. I live in another country where banking is slightly different - I am happy with my account (which is personal/business in one) and changing my bank would lose me a lot of advantages including the use of a credit card. Because I'm self-employed I don't have a fixed salary coming in and it is difficult to get a bank to give you a credit card because of that.
I am not putting myself out in any way because of this loser ex.
Also my clients pay by standing order into this account so I'd have to inconvenience a hell of a lot of people.

OP posts:
Mrspotter12 · 04/01/2019 10:02

You don't need to change banks, just open another one with the same company.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 04/01/2019 10:33

I'd still have to notify all of my clients and get all of them to change their standing orders to pay into the new bank account. No way I am inconveniencing all of them because of my fuckwit ex.

OP posts:
Musti · 04/01/2019 11:51

Honestly just keep the money. Write to him telling him that you will presume it's a gift and that you won't be communicating any further. It's up up to him then. Don't worry about it.

chestylarue52 · 04/01/2019 18:04

The bank will cancel it for you.

Original poster
carrotflinger · 04/01/2019 21:18

Well I suppose it's worth going in to the bank to ask if they can do anything. Quite fancy the bank manager anyway.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 04/01/2019 21:25

Would they be able to open you a new account at the same bank so you didn't need to switch and his payments would be cancelled in the switch over?

Original poster
carrotflinger · 04/01/2019 21:39

I cannot open a new account because I will have to get all of my clients to change their standing order details which would be a right pain for them.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 04/01/2019 23:32

I think the bank CAB transfer them statistically, like with direct debits? The whole thing is usually automatic, but in your case they'd have to manually transfer to avoid your ex's standing orders.

Mrspotter12 · 10/01/2019 15:48

That's a fair point about clients. Some banks can move standing orders but not I think all. Perhaps it's time for a business account though?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/01/2019 15:53

What kind of ex is he?

Is he an exDP or stbexH? Whose name is the property in?

Not sure how anyones answered you without that infoConfused

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 10/01/2019 15:54

I’d just ignore it. You’ve said you are keeping the money in a separate account so just continue with that and if/when he asks for it back, you can return it without ever needing to reply to his message asking. If you message to say stop or anything else, you’re doing what you think he wants/expects so I wouldn’t do that. At worst you have the very mild inconvenience of transferring the money and returning it as a lump sum. At best you have the money to keep towards bills etc in lieu of him giving notice of moving out of your place.

MrsAHotch · 10/01/2019 16:31

A bank can’t cancel a standing order for you as it’s him choosing to send it to you and has signed the authority/set it up himself.

If you have his bank details, you can send repeated one off payments every time you receive it, or continue to ringfence it for now. If you open a new account and do a transfer, all incoming and outgoing payments tend to be automatically redirected for you (such as salaries and direct debits). What a tool he is for putting you in this position.

Cath2907 · 10/01/2019 16:34

If he is your husband and you are planning on divorcing then maybe he is still paying towards a house he expects to recieve a share of the value of on divorce?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 10/01/2019 16:35

Yeah that would be my guess too. In which case most of the replies have missed the point

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