Friend is very secretive

[Mylittlelot]

Please can I have your opinions on this.

I have a friend, who you would think was a best friend, but she lets me down. She lives two roads away. She has a good job, divorced about two years ago - husband left her, has 3 kids (14, 12, 8) and a boyfriend she's been with for two years. I am married to a lovely hubby with 3 kids (18, 16, 12)

She never invites me or hubby and kids over, but comes to ours several times a week for tea or a cuppa. In the last 15 years I've stepped foot in her house twice. She keeps me on the doorstep if I have ever had to pop in with anything - usually to lend her something.

I also feel like she tried to break or ruin something when she's in my house, although I feel I'm imagining it it's getting too often. Like leaving a nail polish open on my couch on its side, knocking a coffee over, squashing food into my chairs'. I just tell her don't worry I'll clean it later.

I always try to plan things for us, nights out, girl weekends, and she never commits. Or cancels last minute. New year eve I invited them over, and up until 5 hours before she said she 'may' come - waiting to see if she has a better offer. When she knew we only had them coming over and we could have gone away.

We plan to get beauty treatments, - lips, Botox, brows and she says let's do it together can we wait until she gets paid and then goes off by herself and gets the treatments done. Denys it when I ask her.

I will see her all week and then she will tag herself in the next day abroad, and not even mentioned it, usually a holiday I planned for us to go on with her or the girls. She has even been round and the next day moved house and not mentioned it. Yet if I even buy a new kettle she wants to know where from, price and why I never told her I was buying one.

She quiz's me on everything, copies my whole house down to decor / furniture (Kids see it on Instagram or I get told).

Thing is we get on really well when she comes for a cuppa, and I love to spend time with her but she constantly lets me down. It makes me feel so sad.

She hates all my other friends who really try with her, and sits and scowls at then when we are in group situations . My other friends ask what's wrong with her all the time and say she's using me. It makes me feel so sad.

I love doing things with hubby. But just want a decent friend I can do girl things with like makeup, wine bars, shopping trips.

I am I asking too much! What am I doing wrong!!

But just want a decent friend I can do girl things with like makeup, wine bars, shopping trips.

@Mylittlelot This lady is not the decent friend you are looking for. She's at best a casual friend who doesn't like being alone so will spend time with you if she has no better offers. I think she may have other friends just doesn't tell you about them. She also sounds a bit bat shit crazy and is not a very nice person. Make yourself far less available and at the very least halve the plans you make that include her. She treats you like this because she always has and has gotten away with it. I don't think she will ever change so be prepared to either cut her loose or accept her as she is.

Maybe just do the thing with her that you enjoy: having her over for coffee and leave the rest. I wouldn't care about not being in her house. I have friends l meet regularly for coffee, we have been away for weekends in groups and l have never been inn their homes.
But l would definitely stop arranging stuff with her as she is too unreliable. I think she may have some mental health issues so l wouldn't completely dump her. Do you know anything about her upbringing/ family situation.
I absolutely would hate a friend to want me to go to nail bars/ shopping trips etc but l do love a good chat or a long walk so it doesn't mean she is a bad friend for that but some of her behaviour is seriously wierd.

That Ibiza thing is absolutely horrible. I’d drop her I really would.

Ah you sound such a nice person and your freako of a 'friend' for 15 years knows how to capitalise on your niceness. You have other friends, gradually cut ties with her and stop telling her things, let them come as surprise to her too, see how she likes it! She's weird and utterly jealous of you. She won't be missed, you've only been into her home twice in 15 years. Blimey!

Wow, she’s a user and a half! Stop letting her be like this, don’t let her past your doorstep. Be tough, stop planning things with her.

This is just wierd. Freaky. She sounds horrible.

But hang on. What about you? Are you some sort of doormat who is desperate for friends? Where's your people skills? Where's your self worth? Why have you let this go on for so long? Why do you REALLY need all of US to tell you this isn't right?

She may have mental health issues.
She could also be a boarder or similar who is embarassed about her home. A friend of a friend is similar to what you've described but without the damage to your home aspect.

Dear OP, when you say you are the sort of perosn who would drop everything to help someone in the middle of the night, do you realise that you shouldn't be doing that for every Tom, Dick and Harry?

I think you can be fairly sure she wouldn't even pick up the phone to you in the middle of the night, and as such, she isn't a good friend. She's basically a stalker - and you've granted her access to your life and this is allowing her to steal it.

Something to note is that feeling sorry for someone who treats you badly is a big indicator that you are dealing with a sociopath, according to Martha Stout.

She doesn't appear to have any other friends either
Shocker!!!!

Not a friend.
It's hard to dump a 'friend', but I do think that's what you need to do here.

This is the most bizarre thing I have read on here
I never have my friends round, I have problems with intimacy. The thought of a friend even knocking on my door makes me feel sick.
I would happily go to their house. Wouldnt wreck it though

Wow . Your 'friend' sounds unbalanced and extremely jealous of you. You , however , are facilitating her appalling behaviour by being a doormat . Sorry to be so blunt .
You need to step away conpletely from this 'friendship' as it is toxic .
She will never be what you want a friend to be .
Be prepared for fireworks though as I suspect that when she realises that you are cutting her out of your life she won't like it . Enlist the support of your partner and friends .
You really need her out of your life

I am really nice and helpful to friends. However when they take advantage I only help if it means I don't have to go out if my way. If you enjoy her coming round then just do that but stop inviting her and organising things with her and start cultivating other friendships.

She sounds plain weird.

If you can't bring yourself to finish the relationship (I can't call it friendship, because it isn't), then at least begin to ghost her.

How has your dh been since her husband left. A thought crossed my mind she could be hiding a man in the house and that's why she isn't inviting you in? I would stop bothering if honest.

comes to ours several times a week for tea or a cuppa. In the last 15 years I've stepped foot in her house twice. She keeps me on the doorstep if I have ever had to pop in with anything

If you have ever done the freedom programme you will know this is a classic sign of an abusive household.
The no other friends thing is too.

An open bottle of nail polish on its side in your sofa? She is deranged. Stop the “friendship” before she does worse things.
shudder

...on your

Rose - she does have other friends - she pops off to Ibiza with them

She knows you've seen the pictures/posts she puts up about these 'mutual' activities OP.....and she knows you're too gutless to say anything.....and so she keeps taking the piss out of you.
It's blatant, underhand one-upping behaviour - the only times i've witnessed/experienced it is when the other party is either jealous or just a nasty user.

why do you put up with it?
i don't get why you've never ever said anything to her about it.
If it were me i'd say something like "i thought we were supposed to be doing this together? why do you keep being sneaky like this?"

i think she's jealous of you/your life and is using you to kind of copy your lifestyle/be you.
Very single white female type behaviour!

Avoid this 'friend'. Imagine it would be difficult to have chats over a coffee without giving her anything to feed off. She'd still be in your home subjecting it, and you, to a forensic-style inspection. If you have to meet her meet somewhere neutral. Deprive her of the opportunity to damage your property. Give her nothing to work on. Would the grey rock technique work to deter her?

Hi, I realise your post was done in January but I came across it as I have a “friend” (so odd) who is so secretive, that is not too dissimilar to your problem. I was thinking about her behaviour and wondering why I even bother and I googled “secretive friend!” I’ve decided to literally cut myself off from this toxic person. Like you, I’d invite her round and not once in 10 years have I been to her flat - then unbeknown to me she was buying a new flat, never said a word about it until she posted something on Instagram that she’d moved into her new flat. Didn’t say one word. I find that the oddest thing ever. But I’m so sick of wondering “what I’ve done” that I’ve decided she’s not good enough to be my friend. She’d come to my house all the time. Bizarre behaviour! I just wanted to say, your not on your own!!!