I Need a Virtual Hug

[Iloveunicorns1977]

Hi, this is my first time on here. I was brought up in an extremely abusive environment. Father was an alcoholic wife beater. Mum was his doormat. My older sister was also abusive towards me. I ran away from home, went to university where I met and married my first love. Unknown to me at the time he has aspergers. When he is nice he is really nice. The rest of the time he's a complete dick. I have two children and earn most of the money. I have quite severe depression and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. When I mention this to him he starts shouting at me. Like today he came home from work. I told him I was depressed because we live in a small flat and everyone is posting selfies on Facebook in their lovely houses. He started shouting and being really nasty to me in front of the kids, telling me that where we live is fine and they all live in the middle of nowhere. I said I was really depressed and he just turned away and started playing on his x box. I absolutely hate him. He has a terrible temper, and has said some nasty things, such as telling me i was an unfit mother the day after i gave birth. I'm planning on getting rid of him when my youngest starts high school. She is currently 8. My eldest child hates him too. I'm so sad and going on social media has made it worse. I feel that I must be cursed when it comes to men. I am blessed to have my children but how on earth did i end up with a loser like him? Please can someone give me a Virtual Hug xxx

Sending you hugs and strength op. Xxx

I'm glad you're planing to leave him. Is there any way you could leave him sooner? Living with him another 3 years would be incredibly difficult for you and dc

Sending big squeezy hugs. Your situation sounds really stressful. Sorry I have no useful advice but really hope you can start planning your exit xx

Thanks so much for the replies. I know I should leave him sooner but getting my finances in order so I can be completely independent of him will take a couple of years. Plus he has nowhere to go at the moment (not that I should worry about that). I just know that when he isn't around we are all quite happy but when he's here he completely saps my joy x

sending you a big fat hug >>

It sounds awful for you, and I'm sorry you have to feel this way. I think you perhaps have to get out sooner rather than waiting. If you can possibly swing it, it will be so much better for you and your DC.

I know. I'm so scared and he's made me feel like I'm useless and can't cope on my own. The irony is at work I lead a team of 20 people, but he makes me feel like I'm nothing when I come home.

Massive hugs to you.
You’re compromising your mental well-being and happiness by staying. Please try to get out sooner. You deserve better

Come off social media, did me the world of good. And eat rod of the man sooner. 2 happy homes are better than one miserable one for children. Hugs xoxox

Thank you so much xxx

OP, I am pleased you’re planning on leaving him. It sounds like life is pretty miserable for you all round. Have a huge hug!

One of my friends was with an abusive husband but didn’t leave him until her children were being made ill by his treatment of them as well as her. She is so much happier and wishes she had left 10 years earlier. She said she didn’t because there were always barriers in her way but looking back she could have dealt with them.

I’m just passing on her story as I think once you’re clear in your head it’s time to go you probably don’t want to hang around for too long other than to sort out finances.

OP, you are braver than you know. Make 2019 the year you put yours and your DC’s happiness first.

Thank you so much for the kind words xxx

@Iloveunicorns1977 your post made me cry - so double hugs from me. No useful advice to offer but you'll get sound advice from the wise sages of mn.
Please try to keep strong for your two beautiful children

[iloveunicorns]

Thank you so much. I've felt so so alone for such a long time but I'm glad I came on here x

Virtual hug on its way 🤗

@Iloveunicorns, I just read your post and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My husband and I are both Aspies, and neither of us act that way. My DH and I wouldn't dream of abusing each other like that. So please don't think we're all like that, cause' we're not. I think he's just an asshole plain and simple. I hope you find the strength to change your circumstances. Big hug from the both of us and here are some for you.

Thank you so much. He does use the aspergers as an excuse but deep down I've always suspected he's just a knobhead. Everyone in his family from his generation are now divorced. They are all just difficult people. I've read that if you've grown up in an abusive environment you're more likely to marry an abusive partner yourself, simply because you don't know what acceptable and supportive behaviour looks like from a partner, and I suspect that's what's happening to me xxx

I also grew up in an abusive household. It took me years of therapy and self reflection to choose the right partner. I did eventually, but I was in a lot of toxic relationships before I finally stopped being in them. Good luck, unicorn,

Thank you xxx

Virtual hug from me. The Aspergers thread on here is very supportive with women who are going through similar things. Hope you have the strength to leave soon.

Just to say my son has Aspergers. He is utterly lovely. Bit annoying at times but would never treat anyone like this. I think you've landed yourself with a knobhead irrespective of any condition. Interestingly, abusive men often seem to be with very together, I manage lots of people, successful women whom, you would think, should easily be able to kick this behaviour into touch but don't.

I think you need to leave earlier. Better that your kids have to share a bedroom, do without the latest gadgets than they stay in this environment. Go look at your finances, make a six month plan so you could be out by the summer.

Thank you so much for the support and the link to the other thread. I'll look at that xxx

I have asd and he’s just a knobhead! I’m difficult but he’s abusive and a real shit!
So sorry you have to put up with him. He really is emotional abusive. Big hugs to you. Wish you could get away from him sooner but totally understand having to sort finances out first. What is he like with the children? The oldest at 8 already dislike a him which is worrying as she is obviously experiencing negativity from him which will have and impact on her and putting her through 3 more years and into secondary school age isn’t great but I understand you also need to be financially stable. Xxxxx