Splitting with husband what about my daughter? Advice needed please.

[canary19]

Hi, I'm splitting from my husband and need advice on how people decide where their children should stay- should it be exactly 50/50 and if so have you any suggestions for days/nights arrangement examples? Is back and forth difficult for the child (mine is 6) and is there anything I can do to make it easier for her? Did any arrangement not work for you and which works best please.
Many thanks, xx

Hi, I suppose it depends on individual circumstances but for us (my kids are now 8 and 5) we do alternate weekends and then my ex has them on a Tuesday & Wednesday after school. Effectively on a 2 weekly cycle I have them 8 days out of 14 and he has them 6
It works well for us, we've been in this routine now for a good couple of years and the kids seem happy with it. We are amicable and attend things like sports days/ birthday parties/ swimming lessons together and are adaptable if needs be.
My advice would just be to try and find a routine that works for you and your child, we eased them into it gently to begin with (my ex moved out of the family home so they only did short visits to his until they'd got used to it) although saying that, they really didn't seem that bothered! 🤷🏼‍♀️
Good luck ☺️

I do pretty much the same as pp.

He has them every Thursday and Friday then every other weekend. We try to be flexible if one is working etc and invariably the kids come to me as the school is just up the road even if it’s one of his nights.

It’s a decent balance, I’d love to have them here full time and it was hard at first (especially the long weekend stretch) but I’ve had time to heal and re discover myself and they get to spend quality time with both of us. My kids are 8 and nearly 11 and they deal with it very well most of the time (the oldest one is starting to say he just wants to be here but goes and comes back happy generally).

I think as they get older things may change, ex will be moving soon and not sure where so will just adapt as necessary and try to agree. Ex gets a bit shitty with me sometimes but he’s just a wanker so i can’t control that!

pudding21 thank you - sounds a good arrangement. When you say the kids come to you even if its one of his nights does that mean they pop in and see you first or that they dont see him on those nights. My stbeh wants it exactly 50/50 - and although i know that is fair - I'm dreading it and am going to miss her so much. He wants to do alternate weekends and 3 days with me/ 2 with him one week and then 3 days with him/ 2 with me one week. The thought of not seeing her for 24hrs makes me cry when I think about it. How do you deal with that part. Also I feel like I'm letting her down as a mother by not seeing her everyday xx

wishywashy6 thank you for your reply. Do they stay over during the evening they spend at their dads and if so do they cope with the school routine - do you have two of everything etc? xx

We have set days/times during the school term time parent 1: Sunday night to Wed am, parent 2: Wed after school to Sunday evening, then do full weeks in the holidays to give us chance to take him away.
Make sure dd has a set of everything at each house because constantly packing is very unsettling. Also, work together as much as you possibly can. She loves you both so try not to make her choose.

As wishywashy says, it depends on your circumstances. Nothing suits everyone.

Have you been the primary carer? Does your ex have an adequate living arrangement? Do you have any concerns about 50/50 care except that you will miss her?

My ex wanted 50:50 and I told him I really didn't think it would suit our kids (I had been primary carer, he didn't have much to do with either, the youngest particularly). We eventually settled on 60:40, although I still felt it was too much.

Three years on, the oldest is totally no contact with him, the youngest sees him after school once a week and every second weekend (sometimes sleeps at his, sometimes doesn't). This is through their choice, not my influence.

It would have been far better all round to have set a more realistic one weeknight and EOW routine up. 50:50 isn't always best for the kids, it depends on their relationship with you and him at the moment.

Canary19 Try not to think of it as a % but more in a practical tern. Eg what will actually work for your child. What really works with their routine and whats best for the child (not necessarily the parents).

My children were even younger than yours when we split, its not amicable at all, unfortunately. Been through the courts several times. Finally settled on eow Friday - Monday collect and drop to school (as to avoid meeting me) and one tea during the week and half of all holidays. The kids find it hard being away for so long, but i think its the best outcome and the least detrimental to the children. Time will tell if it continues as their father pretty fair weather with it all.

I think we get hung up on being fair to both parents, the focus needs to remain on the children. If thats shared care than great if not than so be it. Shared care would not have worked in my situation, for many many reasons, one being he lives a long way away.

canary I love very close to the kids school and the oldest one who is nearly 11 has very strange start and finish times ( I live abroad). So say on a Friday he finishes at 1 pm he comes to me after school (I work from home) then ex picks him up later.

Over Xmas for example as the days were all a bit mixed up, they will now be with me for 8 days and back to the normal routine next week.

The arrangement works for us at the moment because when it’s his weekend he has a four day stretch and when it’s not a two day stretch. I do do most the school runs but like I said I’m very close to the school and he isn’t.

We tried every Wednesday and then EOW but it didn’t work that well as we were always swapping stuff and having to see each other.

Now I take the kids to school Thursday morning and he picks them up so not as much cross over if that makes sense. Then when it’s his weekend he takes them to school on a Monday.

It took a while to try and wrap my head around it all. But the kids are in a good routine and we do try to be flexible if needed.

@canary19 yes they stay over at his on the evenings he has them. To begin with he dropped them back at mine the following morning to do the school run (he starts work at 7.30am) but after a while they both decided they wanted to go to the before/ after school club on those mornings as their mates go there 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think as long as you make them feel secure and you're as open as is appropriate with them, they generally adapt very well. Kids tend to live in the 'now' rather than worrying about what could be/ might happen etc - that's the parents job!
He has stuff at his, I have stuff at mine. Things like winter coats we just go halves on usually.

It's what is right for the children that is important.

I have a 50/50 arrangement for my two daughters (now aged 14 and 11), and it has worked well for nearly three years now. They are with me on Monday and Tuesday nights, and with their Mum on Wednesdays and Thursdays. We alternate Friday to Sunday nights. It's a stable pattern that allows us to plan work around it, and the kids or we can always easily work out where they will be however far in advance.

Christmas is split, and we each have time to take them away for a summer holiday.

That has worked well. It may change in the future - my eldest clashes with her Mum a bit, and it wouldn't surprise me if she decides to spend more time here at some point in the future. So just remember that whatever you agree now may need revisiting at some point in the future as your daughter's needs change.

It's really important for them to have everything they need at both houses - both houses need to be a home for them, where they feel relaxed and comfortable. Constantly shifting stuff between houses wouldn't be great, so having stuff in both houses solves that.

It helps that we live about a mile apart. If they do need something from the other house, it's easy enough to sort it.

Both parents need to be able to commit to being present for the kids. In my case, I had to make some big changes to my working arrangements to accommodate it - but you don't want a kid being constantly farmed out elsewhere when with one parent, just to maintain a particular percentage of care.

Many people will tell you that 50/50 only works if both parents get on well. That isn't true. My ex wife has mental health issues - she was abusive and violent towards me, and her behaviour is still problematic at times. We have as little as possible to do with one another, but the 50/50 still works.

It is hard when they're with the other parent, and probably always will be. You need to I best time in your own interests, hobbies, work etc - when they're not woth me, I'm usually out climving mountains and stuff. You always miss them when they're not around, but you can fill your life with amazing experiences that makes the whole thing manageable.

Throughout it all, just have lots of honest & open communication with your daughter, and pay attention to how she's doing. Kids can thrive despite divorce, and much of that comes down to the strength of their relationship with both their parents. I'm a very strong believer that 50/50 is a great way to maintain the strength of those bonds, so long as it works on a practical level.

Good luck.