So we are separating, but very complex relationship. Advice needed.

[Bearsinmotion]

DP and I live together, been together 10 years, 2DC. Joint mortgage, not married.

DP is a hoarder and has other MH issues. As a result the house is a tip. It is becoming a health hazard and he will not acknowledge this. He gets very angry, increasingly frequently, and I have finally had enough. All came out over Christmas in front of my family, who are all very supportive. DSis lives nearby ish and has offered for us to live with her, but that wouldn’t work long term.

DP is currently all sweetness and light. He recognises that how he has behaved does look like emotional abuse, but it isn’t, as a) he has OCD and b) his family “say shit they don’t mean when they are angry “.

Now, DP wants to stay in the house. He doesn’t want to be separated from his hoard, which is mostly recycling that should just be chucked out, but is framing it as needing to “look after us”.

My current plan is to get my ducks in a row ASAP, if I can keep him calm until then. He’s not physically violent, “just” “ emotionally abusive and controlling. Luckily my work is very flexible and I have a strong support network. But what should I be preparing?

Family all know and are supportive, although living with them would make it very difficult to get DC to school and nursery. But obviously don’t want to leave the family home. There is no way I can afford the mortgage on my own.

I have requested a home visit from a health visitor. I have “evidence” (text messages, witnesses etc) of the emotional abuse. I am saving for an escape fund. What else should I do?

That is an awful situation OP.

Firstly whose name is the house in? Is it a 50:50 split?

It's clear that you can't both live in the house. If you could afford it on your own that would be ideal, but for you to remove your partner you would have to get some sort of prohibitive steps order. Maybe get some advice from a solicitor?

Is there any chance of remortgaging to make the house more affordable? Maybe an interest only deal for a while?

Definitely talk through the mortgage options with your current provider and or a broker first off.

Mortgage is in both of our names. We are already looking into remortgaging, which makes it closer to affordable but not quite there...

You'd need to check that your mortgage provider was happy for one of you to take the mortgage over. If not, or if the vacating partner needed their equity share to rehouse themselves, it'd have to be sold.

Talk to a solicitor; money well spent imo.

Mediation is provided by trained family mediators. Your solicitor might be trained in that or will know how to access them. Google divorce mediator near me!

Or check the College of Mediators website

Hoarders are not reasonable people. And they will become more abusive, up to and including violence if being 'nice' doesn't get them anywhere and they feel their Stuff is threatened. IMO, the Stuff isn't just a symptom, it's a technique of exerting control; you can't sell the house if he keeps it looking like a shithole, you can't move around the house safely because the Stuff is more important than you are, every moment is telling you that you have less value than the Stuff.

Get a bulldog solicitor, get a fuckton of photos of rubbish everywhere, evidence of how he won't put your children's safety above that of the Stuff and get him out.

(Child of hoarder here. It was ALL about control. And they got violent when nobody else was looking and they knew the Poor Little Me, It's a Mental Illness, You Know act wasn't working either).

Also bear in mind that nothing agreed in mediation is legally binding and you may find that you spend a lot of money on it only to find it is not adhered to in any way. The priority here is to sell or buy out and cut your losses. But as you know, he will not cooperate and you will have to force things. Good luck. It's for the best.

Agree, legal advice required to protect your children

If your house is in a desirable area you may still find that it sells even with a hoard in situ.

We bought a house belonging to a hoarder. There were several rooms that we could not even walk into, but we already knew that it would be a full renovation job and houses were in short supply. So there is hope. All you need is one buyer.

However, the seller did ask us to postpone completion for two weeks because they weren’t going to be ready to move!

You know those lightbulb moments? This:

every moment is telling you that you have less value than the Stuff.

That. So much that.

House is in a very desirable area, so that is one plus!

If you're looking into remortgaging anyway, it sounds like that's a good time to investigate your options -
Both remortgage and plan to sell
One person remortgages and buys the other out

Hopefully you can detach emotionally from the (potentially) great house you're currently in, and do whatever is best to get out of the relationship and move onto your new life.

Actually that’s made me think. We need to get the house valued before we remortgage so that will give me an idea of resale value. The house could sell very quickly- it is very unusual in our area in that it is an old house with a lot of potential for renovation...

Remember that you have tons of crap in it so that will affect the value and possible sale. We looked round somewhere that was a hoarder's palace and you just couldn't see into cupboards, alcoves so risk of what was lurking there in terms of cracks, damp, etc put us off.

Hope you find a solution soon. Every best wish.

OP. If you are half way bright (and you sound it) you can sort this with a minimum of cost. Been there and done this with my ex - who whilst not a hoarder - was financially abusive in that he sent EVERY PENNY he earned (and worked 7 days a week) back to his home country to build two homes (one 'for us' and one for mil) . Meanwhile we could not afford our mortgage and bills on my salary alone. This behaviour began after we took out our mortgage. When I had to go to a neighbors to 'borrow' some pasta as had nothing to feed the children.. something snapped and I decided to stop trying to manage. I downloaded divorce petitions from HM cts website and filled them in. I had so little money left after essentials that I was exempt from paying a fee. I submitted the petition the next day.

We were divorced 3 months later. No financial settlement as we had no finance to settle. Only the house which we both owned. We had no child arrangements except to say he could see them when he and they wished.

Three weeks later we had a hearing for house possession. He didn't want to go as didn't want to face it.
I explained the situation to the Judge who gave me 3 months to sell under my own steam and also suggested an occupation order.
I made an application as I left the repossession hearing. I had to wait at the court and then about an hour later went into his 'chambers' where I told him what had been going on. The judge granted an occupation order requiring him to live elsewhere. Because the hearing had been done without his knowledge, the order was made effective for 3 weeks hence and he had a right to challenge the reasoning (that he had made 'no contribution material or practical ' ) during the previous 3 years . He worked full time so didn't even do housework or child care.
As he couldn't argue with the reason - he left. We then sold the house, he got a negotiated amount less the share of his I had paid for three years - and I bought a smaller house for me and the kids.

It can be done. Look at 'getting an occupation order' on HMCTS and do it yourself. Also look at fee exemption. Judges are VERY used to people self representing these days. £25k for contact is insane. !
Why would anyone who has the kids with them be paying anything ? It's up to the non resident parent to apply. The resident parent already has them do nothing to 'be ordered' !
Leave the child contact for him to sort. (£215 if he wants to self represent)

To my mind your steps should be;

1. Get on line and read up on occupation order.

1. Apply for the order to remove him from property.

1. Have the house cleared and cleaned.

4 get house in market.

5 when house is sold give him his share whereupon he can begin a new hoard on his own.

6 buy yourself a cheaper rubbish free house.

Good luck.

Great post font

Great post font

Agreed :)

While a hoard may put off an ordinary purchasing couple, genuine hard-core renovators are anticipating structural work and aren’t going to be scared of damp lurking in cupboards or alcoves. Honestly, the hoard was such a non-issue for us. It was gone on the (eventual!) completion day, we rented elsewhere, did a roof-to-brick renovation and lived there happily for years. A professional developer would also snap your place up.

The other useful enquiry might be to ask a removal company how much it would cost to box up and store the hoard. Again, professional movers don’t care if they are packing the Cheapside Hoard or Joe Bloggs’ hoard - they handle everything with the same care - their job is just to wrap and pack. I am not recommending to do this without your DH’s consent, but it might be a way of making a sale actually happen.

You are bloody inspiring, font.

Necessity is the mother of invention (and action). Ex DH now lives in his home country and we are great friends. It pushed him and me to do what was needed and ended up being what we both needed.
Inertia is a horrible feeling - you feel trapped. I learned a lot about the court system through this.
I learned that courts are for the public and not for lawyers. Lawyers are 'guides' through the process and many are amazing guides but ultimately very expensive. Read, guide yourself.
With the abolition of legal aid more and more people are doing these things themselves and ultimately Judges weigh fairness - especially when children are involved. Never be scared of what you are doing is right and fair.

I absolutely agree with MaybeDoctor that developers or diy renovators will not be put off - However the price will be lower. So if you can get him out and it cleared that would be preferable simply to get the best price.

If you want help with an Occupation Order application then please PM me.

Thanks font, that is really helpful. Good to know also that you and ex DH are friends. You’re right about the inertia, now the process has started there is a certain amount of relief, but a lot of trepidation also.

Good luck, one step at a time 💐