Hello! Sorry, it is so long post! I think I'm soon going to break up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years (aged 29). But I'm so scared to do it. Because we live together in my apartment, so he would have to find a new place and move out. And I would also feel so sorry for him - he has basically no friends (has lost contact with them over years and does nothing to regain the contact), no hobbies (had hobbies years ago, but now has nothing), does not communicate much with his family, according to him all the previous girlfriends have left him, so I would be another one etc (has had 3-4 long term relationships of 1-5 years before our relationship - which would actually tell me that he has no problems finding another one pretty soon).
Anyway, as I am so scared to do it, I am thinking about trying to mend things. Especially that besides these "bad" things, he has many wondewrful qualities - he cooks (I hate cooking, so he does most of the cooking), he helps to clean and wash laundrey, he is affectionate and sweet. What do you think, maybe someone with more experience than I have (I'm 28, being single most of my life) - are these issues something that can be fixed? Whether to motivate him to change or motivate myself to accept such things? Maybe I'm overthinking and these are not issues? Maybe I have caused such issues with my behaviour?
- I feel no emotional connection. While I am naturally very supportive and ask questions and try to actually discuss things and life events and issues and I want to understand reasons and motives and find solutions. He is rather focused more on himself. He talks a lot about himself and daily news and all kinds of general things, but he has no skills (or interest??) in having more deep and meaningful conversations, offer support, most of all - ask questions. After me telling him several times that his lack of questions bothers me, he sometimes asks something, but I can see it kind of forced. Basically I feel that he does not invest much into getting to know me (been like that since the beginning) or showing further interest in my stuff. I.e. if he tells me about his day atw ork, I ask additional questionbs, follow up questions, encourage him with some issues etc. He does not provide such conversations regarding my stuff, mostly. If I want support, he mostly does not know what to say or how to give it, I have given him straight up suggestions what to say or do, but he seems to forget these the next time. Overall, I have to specifically push him to even get some support that I need. It is exhausting for me because I put so much energy into listening him (and he talks a lot!) and do not receive the same amount of energy in return. Is there a fix?
- He is, I do not know - lazy? unmotivated? unassertive? Inconsistent? He says he wants to do something, and then he doesn't do it (buy something, lose weight, fix something at the apartment, take a course) - whether I mention him that he wanted to do it or not, whether I support him or not - he just won't do it or doing it takes like weeks before he can decide. He has always told me that he admires his dad because his dad does a lot of things with his hands - from smaller repair jobs at home to bigger home-improvement-projects (e.g. he just built a shed for cars with his own bare two hands) and that he likes to such things, too. However, when I mention him something to be done at home, he says yes, it's a good idea and then nothing. It takes weeks until he does something and it requires me to tell him a couple of more times. He says he has to think and weigh and decide, but he is even unable to discuss his thoughts and weighining with me. It's so exhausting. I could do these things by myself or order a repair man, but then he would feel left out etc. But I cannot wait for weeks for some small things to happen. It is possible to fix the issue?
- He wants to spend all the time together, but doesn't do much for the sake of it. I have my hobby and friends, which take like 2 times per week (3 hours at a time) plus additional 2-3 (3-6 hours at a time). I have fought so much for keeping these things, as he always said I spend too little time with him. We have had several discussions and now finally he is at peace with me doing my things, without getting upset or being sad. However, I get basically zero alone time, which is so exhausting for me. He is always at home, waiting for me. He says he wants to spend time with me - but he does not suggest anything particular. I say that we spend all the time together. He says that it is not what he means, he wants something else or I do not know - I haven't figured out what he wants. We watch tv, we talk, we go for walks, movies, go out eating, sometimes go see a band or go to a museum, go shopping together, play cards etc etc. However, barely does he inititate lately anything to do, although he said that I am the one not inititating. I suggest things and plan things. I have also told him all kinds of stuff I would like to do with him - take some courses together, do sports regularly together, take dancing courses, find a reading club or something like that we can participate together, read books together and discuss these. He says - yes, that's a good idea. And there it ends. If I do not then drag him out, then we do not do these things. If I lose my motivation, he does not motivate. Is there a fix for that?
Yes, he has been like this pretty much from the beginning. He was perhaps more assertive in suggesting things to do, but otherwise he was the same. Some things I figured they would past (i.e. not asking questions, because he said that it is difficult for him to connect with strangers), some things truly came out when we started living together a few months ago (his lazyness/inconsistency, for example).