My Heart is Broken! .... Cocaine over me, How??

[DeeDs33]

At the start of December I posted on here regarding a terrible situation I was in. Fast forward to now, I am no longer in my a relationship with the man I truly whole hearted loved and I am no longer pregnant with his child.
I feel completely shattered that he chose Cocaine over me, my boys and a new baby! I just can't get over it, it's hurting me daily and I feel anxious constantly and deeply saddened. We had such a loving relationship, a real connect and my two sons adored him as he did them, since we've split I've heard he spends most days down the pub where he lives and goes to peoples houses after taking drugs into the small hours! I don't even know why I care because I've never ever been into drug taking and always looked down on this level of drug abuse , but I love him and worry for him and I'm so sad to see such a lovely man doing this to himself I suppose.... I'm grieving for the loss of him and the loss of the baby that wasn't enough to get him off the Cocaine, so I had to end the pregnancy as bringing a baby into the world with a drug using father is morally wrong. I didn't know the extent of his drug use initially and discovered how bad it was around the same time I fell pregnant ... Will this pain ease? Anyone else experienced a similar situation? I just want this pain to stop!

I don't mean this to sound mean and insensitive at all, I do feel for you but wording it like this deliberately in case you need the wake up call.

You feel sad that a cocaine addict is out of your sons lives?

You feel sad that your sons won't have to look up to a cocaine addict as a father figure anymore?

Because that's the reality and when the sadness wears off and relief kicks in, dust yourself off and realise you and your kids are worth more than that. Because you are. Don't feel sad for him

Also very sorry about your baby. That must be awful. Please look after yourself

You've done everything right and you are protecting your boys.
Addiction is a horrible thing.
Be glad he is out of your life.
You will be heartbroken for a while.
But of course, the pain will ease in time.
But you need to be kind to yourself right now.
Stop getting updates on him.
This is doing you no good.
He chose drugs over you and a family.
That is someone who does NOT deserve your sympathy.
Keep busy.
Lean on friends and family and move forward now.
Stop looking backwards. That is not where you are heading.

You poor love
You've done all the right things but I'm sure you're hurting like crazy.
Addiction is inexplicable and awful and that's why you needed to cut him out of your lives.

What a horrible bereavement all around. I feel terribly sad for you. You must feel like you're at rock bottom emotionally.

Addicts choose drugs over people, every time. You can't make him stop and you can't lead him towards the righteous path. That's on him. And while he's not making any attempt to do so, the cocaine wins, every time. You don't want him near your children.

My brother is a cocaine addict and the heartache that comes with his habit is indescribable. His habit has ripped our family apart and shat in between the torn seams.

Don't let the nice guy reel you back in. Never forget why you are not having the baby you longed for when you feel tempted to 'help him'. The loss of your baby is the saddest parable and should always remind you that THIS is who is he. His habit makes him unable to acknowledge empathy and unable to act on his conscience. His habit will always influence his decisions. People will get hurt. In your case, one person- your child- has died because he cannot say no to cocaine. It doesn't get darker than that.

Walk away. Don't look back. Get therapy and help. Narcotics Anonymous, Recovery.org, etc... there's lots of support out there for people like you, people like me. We're the enablers. And you have to learn to leave that role behind for good and live your life. Do this for you, do this for your kids, do this to honour your angel. It will be the hardest thing you'll ever go through, but go through it you must because there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

And please, please, please know that my strong words are not intended to cause you any guilt. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I too would have struggled with bringing a baby into such a scenario. You made a tough, tragic, but absolutely right decision. You've got guts! Never forget that. You're strong!

Making the right decision hurts like hell. Many of us have been there. In my case is was my husband and his addiction was alcohol. In the end, it killed them. My DDs and I are 100% better off without him in our lives. You and your DCs are also 100% better off without this cocaine addict in your lives.

That doesn't mean you are not allowed to grieve. Do all the grieving you need. Seek counselling if you feel you cannot do it alone. Talk to people. Find a support group for relatives of addicts. But all the time, believe you have done the right thing.

Thank you for your amazing support! I've taken in everything each of you have said. I know I've done the right thing and I'm not considering for a second changing my mind, but I am grieving for the reasons noted on my initial post. This man has been a master manipulator and hidden his drug use so well, I fell in love with him, brought him into my two beautiful sons lives and THEN I discover his Cocaine dependency. I can't believe I'm the one left feeling broken, shattered and completely helpless! Reading the words you have all written really does give me hope, I know it's going to take me a while but time is a healer! I just hope in the meantime he doesn't self destruct even more because I've turned my back on him. Stupid stupid man! The drugs are ruining him and his life

@DeeDs33 bless you op. I know it's going to be hard but you're going to have to do the best you can to forget him and get help yourself if you need it like previous posters said.

Don't look back and please god don't look on it as a failure on your part in any way. You trusted the wrong person, it happens. But please please focus on this being the single best decision you've ever made and the best thing you could have possibly done for your children. It takes guts.
Well done for being strong and putting your kids first. Please take care of yourself and focus on that being the best thing you are doing. You can't control what he does or help his choices but you are doing the best for your family.

He will self destruct. There's nothing you can do about it.

Step away, wash your hands, and focus on looking to the future. After a hard breakup then going no contact is much much easier than anything else. Don't talk about him, don't ask about him, don't discuss anything even slightly related to him. Throw out or replace anything that was his that is left in your house. Delete any pictures.

It can only get better.

You made a good call in getting him out of your life.

I should stop "hearing" things about him if I were you - if he's on your social media, block or mute him, and tell friends/acquaintances you don't need or want to know what he's up to. It's only keeping him in your thoughts.

I think you sound so brave. What a horribly painful decision to make about your baby. I'm so sorry.

I think ultimately grieving is just very painful and you just have to go through it. Be gentle with yourself and take things a day at a time. It will get easier. You are definitely better off without him.

Honestly I don't feel brave at all! ... This is eating away at me! I've blocked him on everything and that's the right thing to do but I just feel so angry today! ... I had maybe 2-3 hours sleep last night because of everything ... I feel much better not having him in my life but I feel like I'm the one that's got to pick up ALL the pieces ... Mend my children's broken hearts, mend my broken heart, grieve for the baby I will never hold! While he's out moving on, getting on with his life, like my boys, me and our baby never existed ... I really just hope that feeling this bitter is part of the healing process because I really just want to stop hurting!

It's really nothing to do with you 'not being enough' to make him stop OP.

Cocaine is extremely physically addictive. Unfortunately addiction is stronger than anything else. It's not you at all.

It's so sad but work hard to forget him. He's not worth your pain.

Hi OP. It may be worth, If it's something that might help you, ringing the provider of your termination. They may be able to offer you post-treatment counselling free of charge. Just my two pence as I work in a related field.

Thank you, I’ve taken your advice and have made an appointment for some counselling to get me through this tough patch ... Thank you all for your kind words and support! You really have helped me see things for what they truly are the past couple of days

I feel for you, OP. I dated a cocaine addict and I've taken it myself.

It is very difficult to explain how addictive it is. It's the second most addictive substance on the planet. It changes the way your brain functions and processes dopamine. It will, at its extreme, override every other joy in your life.

There's nothing you can do to help this person. They have to be fully committed to helping themselves. And it's a hard journey out of it.

I'd recommend getting in touch with a support group for those affected by an addict. But remember, you can't cure them. You can only keep them out of your life and hope for their future.

OP so sorry for what you are going through.
Lack of sleep and food really mess with your brain and will make you feel even worse.
Please try to eat, sleep and walk off some nervous energy. Just a few practical steps that will help you cope a bit better in what is a terrible time.
Agree with others, get as much help as you can and confuse in a family member or friends too.
Much love 💐

*Confide

OP he's not getting on with his life though is he? He's ruining it.

You may not feel brave but please be assured that you are and have done absolutely the right thing.

Grieving is natural and painful, I'm so sorry for the difficult choice you had to make about your baby.

You will get through this.

Hi I don’t know if you’ll read this as you posted months ago but I have just seen your post and I have been through the exact same thing as you. I met my partner over two years ago and everything was great at first, I loved him so much and I still do. My two boys loved him too and he was great with them. I knew he did coke occasionally but never thought it was a problem or he would choose it over me, I was wrong. He hasn’t got any children of his own but really wanted them and he promised me if I got pregnant he would stop the coke. I found out I was pregnant on Boxing Day 2018, I thought everything was gonna be great and we were gonna be a proper family now but I was wrong he lied to me he wouldn’t stop the coke, if anything it got worse. I knew I couldn’t have a baby with someone who did drugs, a baby was all he wanted I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t stop. I got a termination, first attempt failed so had to have another at 14 week, it wasn’t an easy decision and I have a lot of guilt about what I did. I think about it a lot and wish things were different and I could of kept my baby. Since my termination in March things have got a lot worse now. About 4 months ago I found out he’s been buying methadone off the street, I tried to help him with that. I took him to get help and get his own prescription for the methadone rather than buy it off the street. More recently the last couple of months I’ve found out he’s been smoking and injecting herion only occasionally, but the coke has got a lot more frequent, he’s been going a gram a day for the past week. I’ve ended it with him now I’m sick of always coming second to drugs and also sick of all the lies, there was a lot of them. I love him so much and it really hurts that me or his own baby wasn’t enough to make him change. I can’t trust him at all because of all the lies about the drugs, I don’t know who he is anymore but I still love him so so much, I just want to feel better, I’ve cried so much this year. Thanks