Just curious about how other people have found their way through situations like this.
DBro and DSil were together for decades, since we were all teenagers. DSil and I are very close, like sisters (no other siblings for any of us). Our kids are great friends though we live far away (different countries) and they mostly see each other on FaceTime etc. We've all been through so much together, good times and bad. I am probably closer to DSil than DBro in terms of talking regularly, having shared in jokes and leaning on each other for support etc., but my brother is my brother. Our parents died young and we are all that's left of our close and happy family of origin.
DBro and DSil were both unhappy in their marriage for years. Lots of bickering, threats to divorce etc. They finally split a year ago which was a relief, I was glad for their son that the environment at home would be less tense and toxic. He's 15 and lives with now-ex-DSil, sees DBro very regularly and DBro pays maintenance etc. They're both good parents and talk to each other about DN but other than that things are still pretty acrimonious between them.
After the split, DBro moved on very quickly and within a couple of months was living with someone else. He seems so happy and says he's utterly in love with her etc. Ex-DSil sees DBro's new woman as OW and thinks it must have been going on before the split. DBro says he knew her through work and had feelings for her but never acted on them until after he and DSil agreed to split. Acknowledges that it was part of the decision for him though. Who knows the truth, its nothing to do with me.
What is to do with me is that I want to maintain a close family relationship with my ex DSil who is the aunt of my children and someone who has been a very dear friend and part of my close family for most of my life. DBro knows this and says he understands and would expect that we will remain close. But he wants me (now, a year after the split) to make an effort to know his new partner. I think this is fair enough. Recently I sent them a housewarming gift and a card wishing them well and saying I was looking forward to meeting her on our next visit etc. My DN must have mentioned having seen the card or the gift at his dad's house, because ex DSil is now livid with me over having sent it. Hurt, betrayed, suggesting I've gone behind her back, been two-faced etc. She feels I should have discussed it with her before starting to establish any relationship with the new partner. Maybe it was insensitive of me not to, I don't know. I try to avoid the whole subject with her and talk instead about the kids, work, politics, movies.. Anything else.
I'm trying to be a good sister to my DBro and think it's reasonable that he wants me to have some kind of a relationship with his new partner. I also want to maintain the closeness I've had for years with his ex, but she seems to have expected that I would shun the new partner out of loyalty to her, or continue to involve her in my relationship with DBro and his partner. I think they're two separate relationships now and I don't want to talk about either of them with the other.
Anyone been through similar and managed not to choose sides and stay friends with both parties? Should I have told ex-DSil that I was going to extend a gesture to the new partner?