Help Needed Please

[oggy22]

Hi all,

Happy New Year to you all.

I need some advise please in relation to an incident on New Years Eve with my Girlfriend.

So basically we went to a house party that a lot of her friends were at. At midnight, we said Happy New Year etc and then she went round a few of her friends to wish them all the best. At the same time, one of her friends grabbed my phone and started filming various people. The next day I played some of these videos to hear my gf saying to one of her male friends "mate you're f**cking well fit" before giving him a peck on the cheek and a hug. Flashback to the night itself now and I had left the room for about 20 mins at one point and when entering the room my gf was stood with this "friend" of her looking very close as she was whispering in his ear. I shrugged that off at the time but now after hearing that she had said that to him about an hour previously I've lost the plot a bit.

I'm not sure what to do, she's said sorry and said she doesn't know why she's done it and there was nothing in it. I messaged the guy to ask him and he said she was just wasted and that there is nothing going on. regardless of if something is going on or anything more happened, i'm really not happy with her saying this to another guy, especially a friend of hers!!

Any advise you can offer would be much appreciated.

Thanks

You sound really insecure.

Two things you can do:

1. Accept their explanation and move on

1. Don't accept it and split up.

There's no third option where you don't accept it and make her life hell.

Yeah I am to be fair - she kissed someone right in front of me back in August, again when she was drunk!! I forgave and moved on but clearly it's left it's mark on me somewhere

It sounds fairly harmless tbh. Maybe you're too immature or insecure or both, but if this is all it takes for you to ditch a relationship then I don't know how you'll manage future relationships successfully. Maybe try counselling to help with your issues?

That doesn't sound bad to be honest.
But kissing someone else in front of you and then this...!!!?
You know what to do.
You don't feel secure in this relationship (and who could blame you?) so it's time to end it.
Find someone who doesn't go around kissing other guys in front of you.
You must both be very young.

Yeah, it' has made me feel insecure after the first incident which she put down to her head not being in the right place. Also says she's never done anything like that before but from what I hear about her past, it is actually very much like her. Can't help who you fall for unfortunately and I've fallen for her :( - I know deep down I need to walk away as I don't trust her and her lifestyle isn't what I need but it's easier said than done to walk away

but it's easier said than done to walk away
Not really - you just put one foot in front of the other.

I’m abit shocked that this has been brushed off as harmless and that your insecure. If my DP did this to another girl friend of his, I wouldn’t be very happy at all. I’m not insecure and trust him but I’d be annoyed at the clear lack of respect.

OP, I’m not sure how old you are I’m 26 and I have a friend who used to be like your GF. It sounds asif she’s insecure if she’s telling somebody else their fit (flirting/ trying to get their attention) and kissing somebody drunk in front of you. It’s an issue you both need to sit down and talk about seriously, how would she feel if you did this to her? You need to explain that this behaviour (drunk or not) is not acceptable & consider if this relationship is serious or not.

Hi Yellowmellowed,

Thanks for you reply.

I agree, we do need to sit down to talk about it. I feel she twists it a bit as if it's my fault which just annoys me further. She will say she's sorry and say it won't happen again and say she's a bit messed up in the head but I don't know where I stand and how it leaves me. We are quite different people but she's committed herself to being in a relationship with me so shouldn't behave like this. If she want's to do stuff like that she should be single IMO, it does just show a total lack of respect to me and it hurts. You can't change someone can you no matter what you say sometimes. I don't think her heart is fully into it. I know she's slept with someone behind her ex partners back as he had cheated on her. She told me this when we were just friends. Such a mixture of emotions here :(

I’d just lay it out to her and discuss each time something similar has happened and the reasoning. It may give her a window to explain if she’s unhappy with your behaviour too which is something you both could potentially work on if you want to be together.

I feel for your GF as I say my friend was similar and was so insecure some years back. She had a boyfriend and she would constantly be craving attention from other men from bars/parties and messaging them privately. She is stunning too so it’s a shame insecure women feel so low about themselves and need to have ‘approval’ from men to feel secure and pretty. Your GF sounds similar. My friend wanted to be with her boyfriend and never technically cheated but just wanted attention. If your GF does listen to what you are saying it could be worth looking at counselling options for her to improve her low self asteam (if she wanted to). This could greatly improve her confidence, I went through counselling for the same reason around 6 years ago and it did wonders for my confidence. So I’d highly recommend.

Also I get where you’re going with the ex and cheating however, don’t hold that against her. I’m assuming you knew her past and when you got together? My DP is 30 now and he had quite the ‘jack the lad’ reputation and cheated on a couple of ex’s. I knew that before getting in a relationship with and wouldn’t hold it against him. You need to just focus on you and her.

Also agree on the comment if she wants to behave like that she should be single, however I think she’s potentially got low confidence as I’ve mentioned. However, you know her best.

Hopefully you’ll get the answers you want - good luck!

Why is this being brushed off? If I posted here that my DP was telling another woman how fucking fit she was I am pretty sure most would be telling me to LTB!

Thanks Yellowmellowed

TBH we have other issues of not getting on with each other all the time. She has some issues from her past etc for which she is getting counselling for and I have confidence and depression issues I'm getting help for. We try to help each other on that but not sure if we just end up making each other worse in the long run?

I don't think she realises what her actions do to me and probably doesn't think they are that severe! I did know her past and don't hold that against her but with all these things she's done to me, it starts playing on my mind that she's behaved wrong in the past and a leopard never changes it's spots.

I guess through this I've wanted her to chase me to sort this out and she's not. Probably a sign she doesn't really care and that's why she does what she does etc. I just feel awful about it all

update:

Had the chat and I found out a few more things. I feel awful now and on edge but still going along with is so far :( gutted