WIBU to say: if you don’t want to think about money, then I’m in charge of the household budget?

[ancientbathroom]

DH and I are both paid reasonably well. I work fewer hours but for more money so our monthly pay is about the same. Soon things will be tighter because I’ll be on mat leave (we have 2 DC already with #3 on way), plus we are trying to save up for some house renovations, not urgent but needed soon as house is old and crumbling.

We have our own personal accounts plus a joint account for bills, stuff for DCs etc. We transfer a set amount to the joint account per month. Spending from joint account gets agreed by both of us while spending from our personal accounts is up to us.

My attitude to money: monthly budgets, planning ahead, knowing what’s in the bank at any given moment. I am not as careful as I could be but generally like to have something in savings just in case and save up for bigger purchases rather than stick them on a credit card.

DH’s attitude: totally the opposite. Never checks bank accounts, never has any money left at the end of the month, wouldn’t (and doesn't) think twice about putting big impulse buys on a credit card.

The result: most of the money we could put towards the renovations right now comes from what I’ve saved from my personal account. I don’t mind the house being where that money goes, but I do mind being the only one who pays for it while DH gets a new bike or whatever.

We have had many discussions about this. Every time we end up agreeing to jointly take responsibility for spending less and saving more. Every time DH does this for about two days and then gives up. He isn’t getting us into debt or anything but he is saving precisely zero. He just doesn’t like thinking about money or budgets or saving or any of it.

So WIBU to suggest we change our current arrangement to one where most of our money goes to the joint account? That way saving would be done from there, we’d still get some money in our personal accounts to spend as we liked, but less than now. DH could have as much or as little say he wanted in how the joint budget worked but if he didn’t want to bother with any of it (and I am about 95% sure he wouldn’t) then I'd be the one in charge of it.

Reasonable? Controlling? I was in a financially abusive marriage previously so have always been very reluctant to pool money or have a say over each other's money, but our current setup is driving me mad.

Can you set up another joint savings account.
So X% goes into the current account for bills etc...
X% goes into the savings account.
Then the rest can be for yourselves.
I would also talk to him about cutting up the credit cards and both of you not having a credit card.

I think a percentage also needs to go to joint savings. That way renovations etc...can come from there.

You can't have full control of his earnings...that's a bit much.

Then again I do have full control of DHs wages.

We have a bill account and separate personal and saving accounts. He works away a lot and it saves leaving him or a bill without enough to cover it.

But I am the one who moved cash from account to account. He could, but having spent many years in places without internet access, it has become habit that I do all the financial stuff.

We discuss anything that comes up, but I am the one in charge. It works for us.

You just need to have any number of discussion/heated exchanges before you find your own balance.

To make it clearer, I don't want to have full control of his earnings! I'm happy with us both having personal accounts and whatever gets spent from there being 100% up to us as individuals.

I would just like savings to be something we account for jointly before all personal spending, rather than "anything left at the end of the month gets saved", because he always has £0.00 left at the end of the month and I don't see that changing.

Either up your contributions to the joint account or create a new joint account for joint savings for projects such as the renovation.

A suggestion - take some time now to consider his pension contributions in relation to yours. Are you likely to be able to afford similar lifestyles when you retire or will one of you have to bank roll the other? The resentment you feel about contributing more to the renovations is nothing when you consider the type of retirement you want to enjoy versus what he may be able to afford.

You're being completely reasonable. I'd like to know his justification if he says no. The house is a joint asset and he's being very childish thinking you'll just magically sort it while he's out splurging on hobbies/himself - as long as the plans are mutually agreed.

We have tried saying "let's put £X more into the joint account for savings every month" but then that just gets frittered away as well. It ends up as "oh we have loads in that account now, we can afford this new toy" or "getting a new rug sort of counts as house renovations and this one's nice so let's just stick it on the joint account".

The only time it's ever worked was when I ran the joint account like I'd run a proper budget, with budget lines for e.g. 'DC clothes', 'DC toys', 'days out', 'savings for emergencies' 'savings for long-term plans' etc. But we stopped doing that because I felt bad being the sole person in charge of what got allocated where and DH never wanted to sit down and discuss it.

DH never wanted to sit down and discuss it

Tough. He either wants an equal say and the benefit of sensible budgeting - a nice safe renovated house - or he doesn't.

How are you planning to organise things when you're on maternity, what have you done in the past? It's another joint cost, not solely yours.

Can you just increase the amount you put into the joint account each month and then you personally move the extra into a joint savings account? So don't leave it til the end, but make savings like a bill you jointly pay from that account each month.

Are you saying he takes money from the joint bills account to fritter? Because if so, is he going to behave any differently with a joint savings account that's instant access? It might be worth considering one of those ones that doesn't allow withdrawals until a particular date after you put the money in.

That's why you need a new joint savings account.
One where you can't just access the money.
You need to give some notice etc.......
Talk to him about that.
He needs to put X amount into this account every month as he doesn't have any left otherwise and it's not fair on you to do all the saving.
You could even make it sole savings account in your name so he has not access to it at all.
Worth the chat!!

How are you planning to organise things when you're on maternity, what have you done in the past?

For previous mat leaves once I was on SMP he put about 90% of his income into the joint account to compensate. That’s also back when I ran it like a proper budget and we were able to save more than we are now despite earning less!

Are you saying he takes money from the joint bills account to fritter?

To fritter on stuff which would fall into the joint account territory (DC stuff, household stuff), not his personal stuff. So it’s all things which we as a family benefit from but it’s not actually helping us do any longer-term saving. He seems to see bank accounts as more like a piggy-bank,

I’ll look at opening a joint account for savings as well. I’ve been reluctant to do that previously because it just seems like one more account to keep track of when we’re not doing a great job of keeping track of the existing joint account. But it might work.

I wouldn’t actually mind just being The Person In Charge Of Sorting The (joint) Money if only it was an actual responsibility we’d agreed on, and he could do something else to compensate for that. I have resented doing it halfway in the past where we always start off at the beginning of the month agreeing stuff together and then I end up doing it myself anyway, or spend so long pestering him to sit down and look at spending that it’s more hassle than it’s worth. We earn enough to have spending money each (we aren’t yearly-foreign-holidays wealthy but we are doing ok) so I think he just sees it as something we don’t need to worry about any more, and it’s true we’re not in debt but we could be doing a lot better saving towards the things we actually want.