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Relationships

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Original poster

I love my partner but he doesn't want a baby and I do

31 replies

Rubeheart · 02/01/2019 11:44

I'm 26 and my partner is 32. We've been together for 2 and a half years and I love him more than I can even describe. He has 3 children from a previous relationship aged 10, 11 & 12 and I love them and care for then all as if they were my own. Currently we see his children every 3rd weekend and half the holidays due to work etc. At one point the youngest lived with us for nearly 5 months and I felt fulfilled during that time as if he was my own child and it hurt so much when he moved back to his mums.

I was always clear from the beginning that I wanted children of my own one day be it naturally or adopting if I was unable to conceive due to having PCOS among other health issues. At first he said he hadn't previously wanted any more children but has changed his mind after meeting me and I believed that he really had changed his mind as we spoke about how many, when we might have them, even names to the point we decided on the full name if we were to have a boy!

A few months ago he spoke to his mum worrying he didn't want kids anymore and she advised him to leave me as it wasn't fair on me. He told me about this a few days after and it was a difficult time but he then came to the decision that he was coming back round to the idea that we could have a child together and it wouldn't be like with his ex. Suddenly, or so I thought, he dropped the bombshell that he has now decided he doesn't want anymore kids and that he doesn't want to take the chance of me having kids away from me for me to potentially resent him for it in the future. We spent a few days not speaking while he figured out whether he could leave me so I could find someone else to have a baby with or not because he doesn't want to leave me because he loves me.

Over those few days I cried and cried and I just can't figure out any solution. I have asked him why he doesn't want kids and I just feel most of his reasons don't add up. They are primarily based on his previous experience but can't seem to accept that I am not his ex and we don't have a destructive relationship like he had with her. The only reason he gave which I could give any weight to was not wanting the sleepless nights and the fear of getting too old to keep up with another child - a perfectly understandable reason. I feel like he is putting all the other reasons in which I don't feel hold any truth to make it easier for him but it doesn't help me. He also tried to get me to make the decision to leave him because he just couldn't do it but didn't want to steal my chance of having my own child.

I came to the conclusion to begin with that I love him so much I was willing to give up on having my own or adopting a child because I can't bare the thought of leaving him or him leaving me. We have spent the past couple of years planning the rest of our lives together and I wouldn't just be losing him but also our plans/dreams, his children who I love and have bonded with, his dog who is now our dog who I also love and have bonded with so closely. However, the more I look into it and think about it I am not sure I am able to give up wanting children! I have even considered going to the doctor in the hope that I am infertile and that it just won't ever be an option for me. I don't want to grow to resent my partner or it to be a much harder decision in the future if I can't let it go. But I also don't want to give up what we have built and what we have to look for someone else who won't be him, my one, to potentially never find anyone or even if I did find someone to potentially still never have kids of my own! I don't think I'll be able to love anyone like I do him!

OP posts:

BumDisease · 02/01/2019 11:50

If he doesn't want anymore and you do then the relationship needs to end. There is no compromise.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 02/01/2019 11:53

I don’t think it’s worthwhile analysing the reasons if he is definite and tbf he does already have three children. You have some thinking to do.

tootruetoyou · 02/01/2019 12:30

Difficult decision. You're still very young. Maybe see how you feel in a year or two. Could you be a very involved step mum?

AnotherEmma · 02/01/2019 12:35

No man is worth sacrificing your dream of having children. If you weren't bothered about having children in the first place it would be fair enough, but you do want them and you shouldn't give that up.

He is not being unreasonable to not want any more children, he already has 3 and they are also a bit older so he probably feels that he doesn't want to do the baby/toddler phase again.

It must hurt like hell but I really think you should end the relationship. The sooner you end it the sooner you can move on and meet someone who is sure they definitely want children with you.

maximumcarnage · 02/01/2019 12:36

Between a rock and hard place. You clearly love him very deeply but equally having your own baby is incredibly important to you. It's a horrible position to be in. I suspect that maybe for the time being you could put the notion of having children to one side, reasoning that you love him and that perhaps he might change his mind.

But it won't go away, as you get older it's going to eat at you like acid. I doubt very much he will change his mind. It's a decision only you can make, but I think if it were me I would have to give him up. Few relationships these days last for life, bringing children into this world is a life long commitment. I just hope that whatever you choose to do it makes you happy.

iaskMNeverything · 02/01/2019 12:38

How will you feel if he leaves you in 6-7 years time and your chance has gone altogether?

I was very much in love with a man who I knew wouldn't - it still hurts like hell a year on after the break up but it would have torn us apart sooner or later that I know it was the right thing

inlectorecumbit · 02/01/2019 12:38

No - you want DC- he doesn't. If you don't follow your dream to have a DC then you will resent him in the future.
He has been honest with you but it is time for you to leave and give yourself the chance to find someone who wants the same things as you.
I really don't see any other choice

Leatherandsilk · 02/01/2019 12:39

You are 26 and this is a 2.5yr relationship. You need perspective on this. It isn’t long enough or deep enough now matter how you feel to give up having children for. Don’t wait and see, walk away now before it gets harder.

Dirtybadger · 02/01/2019 12:40

It doesn't matter what his reasons are. They may be hard to articulate. If he doesn't want them he doesn't want them and you can't and shouldn't change his mind.

Unfortunately this isn't a position of compromise it will be tough but you need to split now to give you the best shot of having a family one day.

I can understand why neither of you want to end things but you can't stay with him hoping you will forget about wanting kids. If you stay together forever great, maybe you will be glad you stayed...But imagine breaking up in your 50s with no kids or grandkids (fine in itself-i have no children-but you will resent him for this as it is what you want).

HermioneWeasley · 02/01/2019 12:42

Another voice saying leave - he won’t change his mind. It sounds like he’s kept trying to convince himself and failing. Do yourself a favour and leave to give yourself a chance of having what you want

Tinty · 02/01/2019 12:45

A teacher in my DDs primary school met a man with 2 DC, he did not want any more DC. She stayed with him and helped bring up his DC but she always looked really sad. She left teaching and retired due to stress. I don't think it made her really happy, however much she loved her husband everyone always knew she was really sad not to have had DC of her own. She is now too old to have DC but you are not.

Leave him and find someone else to have DC with.

Waddsup12 · 02/01/2019 12:54

Whatever you do, don't dither about it.

My DM was always saying I should leave my DH if I wanted kids. I pointed out that I would then be "single and childless as opposed to married and childless".

I thought he'd change his mind, he didn't and I wasted my 30's dithering...

Your DH sounds like he's put a bit of thought into it too.

I'm not sure I wanted kids as much as you and it's fine now. Once I decided I was too old, things were much better and I have got on with looking after myself better. But I did waste a lot of time angsting, it might have been reasonable to angst but it didn't really get me anywhere.

WisdomOfCrowds · 02/01/2019 13:00

I mean this kindly, but he doesn't need to have a "good enough" reason to not want more kids. Just not wanting them is a complete reason on it's own and requires no further justification.

I also find this phrase concerning:

We spent a few days not speaking while he figured out whether he could leave me so I could find someone else to have a baby with or not because he doesn't want to leave me because he loves me.

If he doesn't want more kids then you need to be the one making this choice, he can't make it for you. "While he figure out whether he could leave me" is a really odd phrase that makes me wonder if you don't have much power in this relationship. You shouldn't be sitting around crying waiting to see if he'll choose to let you have kids with someone else. It's a really bizarrely passive way of deciding a very important issue. Whether you leave him to have children with someone else is not up to him at all!

Sorry if this is patronising but I agree with pp that you need some perspective. It's a short relationship and you're still very young. You may like his kids a lot but after 2 years you don't "love them like they're you're own". You may love him very much but talking about "giving up all you've built together" after 2 years is a bit much. If you'd been together 10 years and owned a house and 3 cats and co-run a business or something then sure, that'd be a lot of shared life to give up. But 2 years of cohabiting in (I assume) his house, whilst spending 2 days a month watching his teenagers, is not really a huge amount to walk away from. I know you love him but there's an awful lot that you'll have to give up to stay with him, and I can't see anything from what you've said that you couldn't "build" again in a new relationship after a similarly short amount of time.

PaintingOwls · 02/01/2019 13:02

We spent a few days not speaking while he figured out whether he could leave me.

That's horrible. You should be leaving HIM.

I think a clean break will be better for you now when you're young rather than when you're in your 30s. It's difficult though, I do understand.

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 02/01/2019 13:14

Tbh if I had 3 kids I wouldn’t want anymore either. The money/emotional commitment would be huge. He’s not going to change is mind. Now you need to decide what your going to do about it.

TheBigBangRocks · 02/01/2019 13:24

Three children is already a huge financial commitment without adding any more. Then there's the dynamics of step children which can be really hard on children.

If you love him then stay but if you love the idea of a baby more than than him then leave. Better he has someone that loves him for him not for what he can provide. Children deserve to be wanted by both parents not just one.

ButtMuncher · 02/01/2019 13:25

You need to listen to what he is telling you. He doesn't want children, and that's fine. You want them, and that's fine too. But it won't be with him and it sucks and is hard but as other posters have said, you are still super young. You could end up being with him for life and always feeling an absence of a child, or he could end up feeling forced into another child and would lead to a world of resentment. Either way, it won't end up happily.

My DH was against having another child after his bad experience with his eldest. We talked about it, and I said if he was 100% certain he didn't want kids in a years time, we would reassess things. I got with him knowing his doubts and reservations but after 18 months he said he wanted another and 2.5 years on, we have a toddler. But my DH was very on the fence about another child, he was young (30) and only had one (who was 6 at the time). He had a vasectomy after our boy was born and he's firmly happy with that decision, as am I. But I gave him breathing room to figure out what he wanted re: children and didn't put an ultimatum on him, and never said I'd leave if he didn't want them - frankly, until I gave birth, I too wasn't sure if I wanted to be a Mum! We took a very laid back approach to it all and we've now got 2 kids and are happy.

It seems you let DP mind is made up and you need to accept that and allow the relationship to end, as hard as it is.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 02/01/2019 13:27

You can’t change his mind, and honestly, you shouldn’t try to.

You’re going to have to leave him. Quickly, like ripping off a plaster.

TheWiseWomansFear · 02/01/2019 13:27

2 and a half years is nothing... still the honeymoon phase. You have time to wait and for his children to get older so I wouldn't make the decision now if you feel you can ignore it for a year or two?

TheWiseWomansFear · 02/01/2019 13:29

Although It would give you more time if oh leave now, to find someone. I don't think he'll change his mind tbh.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 02/01/2019 13:31

Run for the hills. And why are you wasting your youth caring for his kids? He's got it made - younger model and built in childcare.

Seriously,you are being taken for a mug. It's fine for him not to want more kids, but then you need to leave. Now.

Worst case scenario,he'll string you along for years with no intention of changing his mind. Then, his kids will be all grown up and he won't need you for childcare and you'll be left high and dry when he gets fed up of you wanting kids.

Original poster

Rubeheart · 02/01/2019 14:10

Maybe a short amount of time but it feels like a lifetime. We have been living together in OUR house that we chose together for over a year and a half and I can't bare the thought of leaving the kids as much as I can't bare the thought of leaving him. I also left my old job for a term time job so we could spend more time with each other and see the kids more often.

On the subject of changing his mind I don't want to change his mind it's just so confusing being told one thing then another then switching between them - like I said at one point we had even talked about names and schools and where we would live etc.

OP posts:

VietnameseCrispyFish · 02/01/2019 14:28

Oh OP, you’d be very foolish to not walk away right now. He doesn’t want more kids.
His reasons don’t matter, he’s changed his mind and he doesn’t. He’s willing to lose you if it means not having kids which means he’s serious about it.

You’ve thrown yourself so hard into being pseudo stepmom to a man you’re not even married to and kids you have zero claim over, which is bizarre in such a relatively short relationship. Making decisions like your job schedule to be more around for kids who aren’t yours, feeling ‘fulfilled’ taking care of another woman’s child full time, you clearly and desperately want the role of a mother and as you won’t get it with this man you need to walk away.

Everyone has fantasies in a new relationship like imagining kids names. It’s just talk.

You cried and cried unable to figure out a solution? It’s right under your nose.

You’re young and you can meet someone else and have a family. And when you do, when you hold your child in your arms for the first time, this guy won’t even cross your mind. No relationship is worth sacrificing kids if you want them badly enough like you do.

I was in your position btw, same ages, same length relationship. We split up as there was no compromise. I met someone else very quickly and we’ve been together a couple of years, I made sure on the second date he wanted kids and roughly when and we hope to TTC soon. If I’d stayed with my ex the love would have died as I’d have resented him so much, every pregnancy announcement from a friend made me feel physically sick and it hurt bad going home to the man I felt was holding me back from that being us.

Annasgirl · 02/01/2019 14:54

Oh God you are so young - what on earth are you doing step parenting 3 kids for an older man? My friend has 3 kids and is divorced and she will not date men who want kids because she said she is done and it is not fair to the men it to her - this man should never ever have built a relationship with you and he should never have moved in with you. He had trapped you into this.

Please leave him to it - you will meet another love of your life and make sure he is single with no DC so you can have your own kids with him.

Please do it now and don’t come back here in 10 years asking the same advice.
Also, you could become pregnant accidentally and then that would really destroy your relationship and your mental health so please leave while all I’d good.

FrogsLegs33 · 02/01/2019 15:05

He was giving you space for a few days to decide.

He can’t make this decision for you. He doesn’t want anything about the status quo to change so it’s not him that needs to “do” anything.

He has given you absolutely fair warning of his dilemma and that ultimately he tried to persuade himself and it didn’t work.

It is for you to decide now.
If you can’t accept it you leave and it will be hard but you will part with love.
If you don’t leave he will take it that you have accepted the facts and have chosen to forgo children. He will not thank you when this inevitably becomes an issue again and you will grow to resent him unfairly.

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