Can my estranged H take the DC's?

[Dhalandchips]

Long and complicated but thanks for any advice.
Stbxh and I split two years ago, EA relationship, we were about to split up then he got ill. We tried to stay together but we split anyway. He moved out, started seeing other people. DC's (11&10) stayed with me. He now has a GF who lives in a big house about twenty miles away. He lives in one bedroom flat in our town. He has WiFi and PS4. Kids love going to his because of this but he usually ignores them( zones out of the family like always used to). They see him EOW and usually stay at GF's house. She has horses, dogs (just got a new puppy), grandchildren (ex is quite a bit older, so new GF is a similar age to him), massive tv....My kids like going there. I'm happy that they're happy with it all. His GF does all the childcare as he still zones out wherever he is! My worry is that with all the attractive things at her house, ex will move in there and try and take the kids. I don't actually know if he has plans to move in with her but if he does, I think they will want to go with him. I can't afford to fight him through courts (current set-up was just arranged mutually, I'm very LC with him because of his EA) and the kids are now of an age where their opinions should be listened to so if they want to go, then I shouldn't put up a fight, right? I'd be devastated if they chose to go. And I know it wouldn't be because it's to be with him, it's because of all the stuff there. I work a lot around school and their weekends at their dad's, I'm skint but we're generally happy. Their lives are in our town, friends/school/extra curricular stuff but the lure of ponies, puppies, PS4 will be too much I think. I'm sad at the thought. Is there anything I can do to stop it happening? I don't want to manipulate the kids, that's his way of doing things...

My ds's had a total Disney Father. Games consoles, constant supply of cash, allowed alcohol at 14. Once my ds was allowed out a Fri of the bank holiday week end and didn't return until the Monday, he cut my calls, exh didn't know /care where he was, other ds had tabs on him via fb etc or I would have rang the police. He was 12.
Now they live ft with me, nc with exh.
If their own choice.
They realised they needed /wanted a parent.
At my house there are rules and curfews which they embrace.

You sound like a good dm so op - as you were - and try not to worry.

If he zones out a lot i cant imagine he would try to get them to move in with him. Also his gf might not want full time kids as shes already been there done that.
Try not to worry about what may not happen and continue to be a loving attentive parent

I wouldn't be too worried in your situation. If they haven't already they'll soon realise their dad isn't that interested in them. And whilst young children are impressed by the things you mention, they're getting to the age where their friends become more important plus teenagers need a parent, someone who will listen to their worries and offer love, support and advice.

Disney dad! Of course!! Well, I'm going to try and stay positive... I worry also that they're very sociable and make friends easily so moving to a whole new town wouldn't trouble them that much. I just want to run away with them. Stbxh is soooo manipulative and hates me because I 'ended the marriage'. He simply doesn't recognise that I ended it for a reason...he of course can do no wrong in his eyes, he is faultless.

Legally - you could apply for a child arrangements order to formalise that the children live with you. At their ages they will usually be asked about their wishes and feelings but they aren’t necessarily given what they ask for. Your argument that they want to be there because he’s all fun and no responsibility is an important one. You can represent yourself - it isn’t difficult.

MissMalice, I would have to represent myself as I'm skint but isn't just the process of going to court an expensive one? I'm about to come into a bit of money and he knows this so I think his plan would be to drag me through the courts and use up all the cash. He was notorious for spending money we didn't have...

The court fee is £215. You can get reductions on that if you’re on a low income. If you self represent there’s nothing more to pay.

Is that in total then? So no matter how many times we go backwards and forwards if he gets arsey?

Why would he try to take the kids? He does not seem to be too keen to see them more often at the moment - unlikely he would want to make the effort to have them full time. And girlfriend might not be so keen on becoming a full time step-parent either.

Is that in total then? So no matter how many times we go backwards and forwards if he gets arsey?

He can apply to get it changed and as the DC get older their views will hold greater weight.

He keeps telling me he doesn't see enough of them. The last few weekends with them, he went out to work and left them in the care of GF and/or her DD. He doesn't see the irony! I pointed out that that he chose not to be there on his weekends with them and he went off on one about me trying to micromanage his time! I didn't even know he wasn't there until I got a phone call from DD saying she was being sick. I told her to go to daddy for a cuddle. "He's not here" she says. I suggest she goes to the GF for a cuddle "she's not here either"... I'm a bit confused by this point "so who's looking after you?" I ask. I'm told the GF's DD but she's in the bath!! So my little girl is ill but got no-one to look after her. He still says he wants to have them more.

Keep a diary op, dates he has them, when he isn't actually there looking after them. Any times he cancels etc.
Sounds like he is all talk.

That's a good idea...thank you

mnhq how can I move this for more traffic please?

Have you contacted Rights of Women for legal advice?

No, I've done a quick Google but can't find it. Do you have a link please?

Sorry, found it

Thanks for moving this X

I really don't want to scare you but want to tell you what happened to my friend so you can be prepared.

Her exh didn't see his daughter for about 10 years. Wasn't interested. Didn't pay child support. Suddenly he reappeared on the scene.

My friend, the mother, had brought up the DD on her own the whole time in central London.

He came back - huge house in the country, horses, dogs etc. He would take her for weekends then 'forget' to bring her back on time. And the whole time his mother did the childcare while he zoned out like your ex. All these incidents of late return were logged.

When it came to secondary school, the one in London she was in catchment for was quite shit but the mother couldn't afford anything else (especially as he hadn't paid his dues for years).

On one of the weekends, he took her to see a private school in the country which she loved. And he never took her back to the mother. She called the police but apparently the DD said she didn't want to come home.

Long story short but it went to court and he won custody. She gets to see her DD twice a month. She nearly killed herself over it.

I don't know what to suggest but if they want to stay there, there isn't much you can do as the court really listens to their opinion.

That's awful, your poor friend. I'm seriously worried about something similar happening. It would destroy me.