Feeling all over the place and trying to get my head straight

[Confused2019]

I need to get my head straight and whilst I have talked to IRL friends, I think there is only so much of this that I can say over again and none of my friends have felt like this. I would appreciate it if anyone has been in this situation or similar could comment. I apologise in advance as this may be long.

For background, DP and I have been together for nearly 5 years, lived together for most of that time. In 2018 we bought a house and adopted DDog who we both love dearly. A couple of years ago, our relationship wasn't in a very good place, I almost left him a few times but didn't and we have come out of it stronger. Up until a few days ago, I would say I was happy, we were in a good place etc. However for some reason I have been brooding a lot. I do overthink and get lost in my head sometimes.

One way of explaining how I feel is that I know what I want my life to look like and it is all there but something feels off. I know life isn't like the movies and relationships change over time. We spent a lot of time talking yesterday and how I feel is also contradictory - on the one hand I feel trapped and like everything is moving quickly but on the other it isn't moving fast enough, I want to get married and have kids. He doesn't - he says that marriage doesn't mean anything to him but he will marry me because he knows it is important to me. He says he isn't really fussed about kids but knows it is important to me and all his older colleagues who felt that way at his age now think children are the best thing that they ever did. For reference we are mid-late twenties.

My issues are also as follows.

• I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I ran away from everything now / met someone new / had left him a couple of years ago
• At some point last year I realised that although I was happy, I would not go through all of the bad parts of our relationship again to get to that good bit, I would have left him and found someone else.
• Yesterday was a really emotional day while we talked, we had sex later in the day and really, I didn't feel attracted to him, it did nothing for me which is not like us at all. There has been a decline in intimacy over the last few months.
• If I really loved him, would I have felt as above?

I just feel really lost. I wanted to get a bit of headspace yesterday but he didn't want me to go. We talked instead which was good but really I don't know how I feel or what I want.

I would want to be with someone who actively wants to marry and have kids, not someone who says they'll go along with it. Not only is it a probability that he'll drag his feet and perhaps string you along, but later on say "but I never wanted [x] anyway, I did it for you" in resentment.

I think you need some time apart at the very least do you can figure out what it is you really want. Sounds like you love him, but aren't in love with him? Marraige and parenting is so hard, you really have to be rock solid before you even think about adding the shit storm of sleep deprivation etc into your lives.

Read it back -it doesn’t sound particularly good.

This bit in particular stands out
He doesn't - he says that marriage doesn't mean anything to him but he will marry me because he knows it is important to me.

Do you want to marry someone whose attitude to marriage is “meh” it’s a serious commitment.

I was in a similar situation/relationship a few years ago - there was a catalyst which gave me the excuse I needed to end it but retrospectively I see it was always going in the same direction (failure). I just wish I hadn’t wasted all my mid/late 20s on him...

It’s so so hard to leave when you have invested so much time and it has “the potential to be perfect”.
Also I know plenty of guys who actively wanted to get married in early 20s so don’t buy the “I’m indifferent but so was everyone at my age” BS.
Note: if you leave you need to understand you may not meet someone else. I was single on and off for 6 years before I met my amazing DP and had accepted I might never meet anyone.

Yes that’s kind of how I feel about marriage etc. I want someone who wants to marry me and have children with me, not because they want to do it to make me happy. When I said that to him, he said that it’s going to happen, I know that it’s going to and to him it’s just a piece of paper. I wish I didn’t feel like this.

Oh OP, this is a sad situation to be in, I am sorry.

You know what you need to do, by the sounds of things. Please don't settle for a guy that will only get married and have kids on sufferance because YOU want that. Why put up with that when you could be with a chap who can't wait to marry you and actively WANTS to have kids with you?

Marriage and kids are both really tough at times and you both need to know you are both, separately, fully committed, in order to get you through those tough times. Nobody wants the accusation thrown back at them in an argument 'I only did all of this because YOU wanted it!', which it unquestionably would be.

You are so young - you have loads of time to meet someone who really, enthusiastically loves you and is excited about your future together. I didn't get married until 34 - I didn't want to settle for something half-hearted - and I'm so glad I didn't.

Now have 3 kids with DH and we're very happy, and I often reflect on the people I could be married to who would have been absolutely not right.

Trust your instincts.

It’s not just the marriage stuff. It’s also all the other stuff. I don’t understand how I have gone from feeling contented and happy to feeling like this over such a short period of time. I feel so lost and scared. He says he just wants to make me happy but I don’t want to be in that argument that other posters have mentioned. It’s all such a mess. We have a mortgage and neither of us can afford to buy each other out, we have a dog who we adopted recently and I will have to give up. I feel like a horrible person and I wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Do you think it could it be worth seeking some independent counselling to help get some clarity?

For me you are right to have reservations and while it will involve work to separate, it is less complex now vs post marriage with a child in the mix... so I wouldn’t let the logistics hold you back/ big you down if you aren’t happy.

Trojan - yes I would consider that and will look into it tonight. I don’t want to go home and pretend everything is okay, but I also don’t want to not go home if that makes sense.

It all just feels so difficult and scary and really, I don’t want to make an impulsive decision that I may end up regretting.

I can barely concentrate at work - why couldn’t I feel like this before, when I was off for Christmas!

I just wanted to follow up on my previous post. I’ve narrowed down a therapist and now just need to make an appointment.

I spoke to DMum about this briefly also who has suggested we have a weekend away for some time together and that we have done a lot over the last year, that there are other aspects of my life I am unhappy with and not to make a decision on impulse. She also said that men sometimes think / say things differently to a woman. I don’t know if I agree with that, I just think of the saying that when someone shows you who they are, listen to then - and if I had done this before, we wouldn’t have a mortgage and a pet. I suppose I went along with it all because I thought he was growing up.

For those of you that have been in my position, can you please tell me how you dealt with ending it and also the aftermath. That’s what scares me. I’ve spent most of my twenties growing up really with the same person, and to then not have that person in my life will be different to say the least. I know I want to get married and have children but I also want someone to take care of me if that makes sense.

Sounds like your mother fears change as much as you do.
It must've been on your mind for some time and now you're realising that you're not getting what you need from this relationship. Don't settle for someone who'll go through the motions of marriage and kids to humour you. Find someone who wants to give you the love and security of marriage and wants kids as much as you do.

I never thought of it that way. How do I find the words and the courage to do it and how do I rebuild my life?