What would you do if your dp acted like this?

[WeAreOnlyHuman]

Dp has recently become very shouty and aggressive when stressed. He used to be very calm and easy going.

Something that happened a few weeks back is really getting me down and I don't know what to do for the best.

We were just sat watching tv when dp started moaning about being tired all the time and not getting any time to do things he enjoys. This is as we have 3 young children under 5 and no help from any one, plus we both work.

Anyway, I agreed with what he was saying but then he blamed me for working too much (I don't ) and said I need to give him a break. Then he got up and was shouting in my face in front of dd who is nearly 5. Then he squeezed my arm and it's left a bruise.

He calmed down eventually but I can't get the feeling out of my head that it will happen again. It was so out of the blue and escalated so quickly.

I can't trust him anymore!

That’s not ok. He physically assaulted you in front of your child!

Not ok. He hurt you. From experience I can tell you that that will sit in your mind and you’ll wonder when he’ll hurt you next. You won’t trust him anymore and it will cause you stress. The children will be effected by an environment in which he’s happy to do that especially in front of them. I rarely say leave the bastard but this time I am. Get out before it gets worse.

We all get a little stressed out with work/family from time to time, but in no circumstances should that turn to physical violence, especially in front of children.

I'd ask him to move out if I were you, as there's no way to know he won't do it again and next time it might be so much worse!

I remember the first time my stbxh turned on me. If i had a time machine and could return to that moment id phone the police and get him thrown out. Women's Aid say they keep you unbalanced. He's going to be nice to you now, for a bit. When you are more secure andches sure he'll get away with it he will go mental again. Until you end it.

I know I should ask him to leave. Every day since it's happened I've felt stressed and uneasy. He won't leave, I know he won't.

I might get flamed for this, but you asked what people would do if they were in this situation and this is what I would do.

I'd start by texting him, and asking him if there's anything wrong he'd like to talk about, the tones of these messages would be sympathetic. I'd drop in something like "I'm really worried about you, the other day you shouted at me and where you grabbed me it's left a bruise. That's never happened before, and add name of child saw it happen too and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to make things easier for you?" My aim would be to get him to admit what he did. I would be more likely to do this if he thinks I'm wrapped around his little finger. Than if I got angry, he'd just go on the defensive. Mean while I'd be getting things ready to leave. If I felt I had time I'd do it slowly and work out getting money together, get documents, etc.

If I really felt I was in danger or the kids were, then I'd wait till he was out, get documents, take as much money as I could. Clear the joint bank account and go.

Obviously the messages I'd keep as evidence. For once I'd gone and he started being an arse hole as it seems be would become. I'd have evidence of what he had said/done

He sounds like he's tried to parent you.

He's been a dick. No matter what's going on in his life....it's no excuse

Firstly let him know how this has made you feel. Secondly let him know what this now means, aka you don't trust him, you need space etc

What he did, would shake me up too. Not talking about it is like it happening again. If you feel worried about talking to him. Write him a letter

I'd confront him head on. I'd tell him straight that his behaviour was abusive, disrespectful, controlling and unacceptable.
I would avoid any language that excuses, placates or in any way gives the impression that his behaviour is understandable, excusable even.
Be direct and be uncompromising.
He needs to be fearful of what happens next, not you.
And get your ducks in a row.

I agree with Blackladybug. That strategy will be an evidence he can't and won't be able to deny.
He's gradually stepping from being verbally abusive to physically. Start mapping out your getaway plans if you know he won't leave. Get the kids and all the necessary documents and leave. Kids shouldn't be eye witnesses to verbal nor physical abuse, very unhealthy and has a long term psychological impact on them.
He's very inconsiderate!

I'm really sorry OP, that must be really scary.

Have you talked to people in real life about this? Make sure that you don't keep it a secret for him, he needs to know that if he hurts you his family and friends will be aware of what he's done and he has to face them.

If you've been together a long time and this is out of the blue/a change in personality do you know why there's been a change?

I don't have anywhere to go and no family nearby.

He just cannot cope with any stress and it makes him shout.

This has only started recently.

My stbxh got progressively worse until I couldn't take it anymore and left the house . Women's Aid have taught me that whilst I thought he was struggling and had a temper he was in fact implementing a carefully organised plan whereby I became a nothing. After 6 months of behaviour, not as bad as you have described, he delivered one of his most vile outbursts, next to me in my hospital bed. From almost that moment I stopped reacting and sticking up for myself. He thought his plan to wear me down was working. I thought he'd be eventually alarmed by his hellish behaviour and realise he needed help. Because of my non reaction his scales, to weigh up how much he could get away with, were out of kilter. He became braver and braver.

Quietly get your ducks in a row. Contact Women's Aid, they are wonderful. So wonderful. And go to the police. They were wonderful too.

Starr buying clothes the next size up for your kids and get their gifts for the year bought. Hide your supplies in someone you trust's attic. Quietly clear out your precious documents. Get ready for the fight of your life. When you start to stick up for yourself he will be worse than ever.

It is sad, and awful. But my children are much happier. And so am I.

He can cope with stress. He's organising his bad behaviour. Women's Aid taught me that their behaviour is not a coincidence. He's doing as much as he has the guts for, for now.

If this is a change in character he must be more stressed than you realised and is struggling to cope. Having young children and work is hard, its fucking relentless and if you dont get a break it can really impact on you. Violence is never ok, ao he needs to seek support for his MH asap. I hope he feels better soon OP and that you can find time for both of you to have a break

I suspect he's been using the subtle techniques for a long while before this, and that you're likely only noticing because the form of abuse is shifting.

Can you tell us if hes ever done any of these?

Humiliated or embarrassed you? Probably portrayed as a joke. Then criticized you for being "soft/wimp/easy to wind up".

Constant put-downs,

Hypercriticism, making you think that everything you do is wrong, can be as simple as raised eyebrows with an intake of breath, or "Really?" Or as open as disagreeing with everything you say, "Yeah but..."

Refusing to communicate, maybe noticeably being in a strop but when you ask what's up he says "nothing!" Maybe even comments that you're nagging at him, or makes a little snide comment "you're the problem but youre never gonna change so why bother trying" and walking off.

.Ignoring or excluding you. Similar to the above. Ignoring you for long periods of time or choosing not to talk to you at all

Extramarital affairs, texting other women, being over friendly or flirtatious to other in front of you.

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.

Unreasonable jealousy.

Extreme moodiness. Goes into strops and you feel like you're walking on egg shells.

Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you. This can be around others.

Saying “I love you but…”

Saying things like “If you don’t , I will.” this can be more subtle "well thats fine but it means..."

Domination and control, not always easy to spot.

Withdrawal of affection. Shrugging you off a lot, and appearing cold. This might mean you're waiting for him to "thaw out" a lot and waiting for him to come to you for affection

Guilt trips. Making everything your fault.

Isolating you from friends and family this could be refusing to take you somewhere or making you late/stressed about going out.Using money to control.

Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

Are you both named on the house? Tenancy?

Everyone is so quick to say he's abusive and has been for a long time! We don't know that!

OP, short-temper and anger are well recognised symptoms of stress and anxiety. If his behaviour is out of character I would suggest raising the idea of seeing his GP for support as its likely this is the cause. However if its not new behaviour then of course it could point towards other issues.

While I agree with those who say that his behaviour is wrong in many ways, I do not think you should either leave, or get rid of him. You have been together for years and this is out of character for him. Therefore, I think you need to ask yourself whether you want to end this relationship with the father of your children, or whether you should work to put it right.

My first action would be to make sure that all lines of communication are open; talk to him about how he feels, how you feel, and what has happened. He may be ill, suffering from stress, depressed, etc., and what he did is a sign that he needs help and not an indication that he is a danger to you and the children.

It is your choice, but I wouldn't be rushing to end your relationship over this.

or whether you should work to put it right
OP can't put this right.
He has to.
It's him who has the problem.
OP - I would tell him that physical abuse and verbal abuse are not acceptable and that they are both deal-breakers.
That if he doesn't acknowledge this and get help then it's over.
Abuse should NEVER be tolerated.
There is no excuse for it.
He needs help or you need to leave.
It's that simple!

Are you ok OP?