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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying for the kids?

15 replies

Smeghead90 · 02/01/2019 05:02

This may be a long one I warn you. So been with my current partner on and off for nearly 5 years, 2 beautiful kids. I also have a dd with someone else. The relationship has been turbulent to say the least, we split up last year due to us arguing more than speaking and I got to the end of my tether. Any way it was a messy break up courts involved for the kids. I met someone i knew from school and we ended up seeing each other amazing guy, fantastic job, great with the kids but I could process the thought of me being his number one priority because i never have been. So i found him suffocating. After 6 months i ended it and took back my ex, 80% for the kids 20% because he said he'd changed (yes, i know Hmm) recently ive been feeling like shit he does nothing in the house i come home from work and its a shit tip. Ive had enough so i get back speaking with my ex and i realise i miss him being there and having someone to rely on and knowing ill be ok. I just dont want to mess the kids up. So do i stay and put up with shit or go and be happy?

OP posts:
autumngazer · 02/01/2019 05:06

Split up with your current partner and just be single for a while? Clear your head.

Ethel80 · 02/01/2019 05:08

If you're unhappy, end it.

Kids are much better off with parents living apart and (hopefully) co-parenting amicably than unhappy parents staying together. It doesn't work for any of you. Kids know when things aren't right so trying to pretend for them is pointless.

If you do end things though, stick with that. Don't go back again because that's really confusing and unsettling.

Good luck!

autumngazer · 02/01/2019 05:09

I did the same thing. Split with my ex for 2 years. Our DD was 2 at the time. Tried to give it another go. Like you say 80% for her 20% because I thought he had changed. He hadn't and we have split again after another two years. Lots of reasons but not helping round the house and his general acceptance to live in a shit tip was one of them!

Original poster
Smeghead90 · 02/01/2019 05:16

The first 2 weeks of us getting back together was great helping round the house without me having to nag, but i think was was to get his feet back under the table. I just keep thinking there must be more to life than this surely?

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 02/01/2019 05:25

Poor kids having their lives determined by whichever bloke their Mum decides to shack up with. How confusing must all this be for them? Why don’t you just stay single for a while?

Original poster
Smeghead90 · 02/01/2019 05:30

@Caroldanvers it nothing to do with who i shack up with i will be staying single for the foreseeable future if i leave. I dont see anywhere in my OP where i said i wasnt i just said i missed the feelings he gave me.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 02/01/2019 05:41

Ive had enough so i get back speaking with my ex and i realise i miss him being there and having someone to rely on and knowing ill be ok. I just dont want to mess the kids up. So do i stay and put up with shit or go and be happy?

This sounds very much like you’d be wanting to go back to your ex actually.

Original poster
Smeghead90 · 02/01/2019 05:43

Also talking to someone doesn't mean you want to get back with them.

OP posts:
enoughisenough2 · 02/01/2019 06:02

I agree with @autumngazer

Getoffthetableplease · 02/01/2019 06:35

You have made it sound like you want to get back with your ex, OP. I don't think you should stay in a shit relationship for your kids, so I would seriously talk with your current partner as to whether there is anything you two can do to make the relationship a good one. If there isn't or he refuses to acknowledge it all then walk away knowing you can tell the children you tried. I'd definitely stay single if you were to go though, you sound like you need space to figure out what you really want.

user1493413286 · 02/01/2019 06:39

I think you split for very good reasons before and it’s not good for children to have parents who are only staying together for them when a relationship isn’t working.
I do believe in trying everything to give my kids the family life I want them to have but you’ve gone above and beyond that.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 07:06

I agree with user that you split for good reasons before. From both men!

Original poster
Smeghead90 · 02/01/2019 20:17

Well he's moved out and I'm staying single and getting my head straight. In the house alone now though and its strange

OP posts:
Getoffthetableplease · 02/01/2019 20:36

Good on you, OP. It will seem strange, maybe try to do something just for you, film on, hot bath, glass of wine, cup of tea and a book, anything to treat yourself and try to relax.

MumsyJ · 02/01/2019 22:02

Yes OP, stay single, find yourself, channel your energy on your kids. Just when you don't expect, the right man will come along.
It might seem strange now but with time, it'll feel normal. You will be just fine.

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