Choosing single life but craving intimacy

[Fl0w3r]

Hello, right now I’m choosing to stay single, I don’t have a great track record of choosing men and I am a very independent and busy person.

I guess relationships have never really fitted with the life I want, either I’m too selfish or I have chosen the wrong men.

Anyway, back to the point... I want to be on my own but I can’t stop craving intimacy!

I want to cuddle and watch a movie
I want to have dinner together
I want to have sex, fall asleep in each other’s arms and wake up and have more sex.

I want all of this but only like twice a week. Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too?

I had this set up a few years ago and it was literal perfection! No pressure or responsibilities, just enjoying each other in the time we spent together and then getting on with our lives.

Surely it’s not just single vs relationship?!

Sorry for the rambling post.

I should add I’m 30, reasonably attractive (without blowing my own trumpet) I don’t have issues with finding someone... it’s more someone who fits with what I want whereas everyone I meet seems to want to get married and have babies! I just find that a scary prospect as I don’t want to be tied to someone and run away at the thought of it.

So...you kinda want all the best parts of a relationship but not the commitment of being in one? I think?

Well technically it’s possible. I mean from my perspective I sort of feel the same way. But I don’t think it’s realistic. You could have a friends with benefits situation but I think you’d be at risk of one of you developing feelings. You could try looking for a more ‘casual’ relationship. But gods know what sort of guys you’ll get knocking on your proverbial door.

But it’s not impossible. And if you find a guy that ticks your boxes and your open and honest with him. It’s doable.

maximumcarnage that’s exactly it. I feel silly when you put it so simply.

I can’t cope with the pressure of a relationship. I’ve been in unhealthy relationships and I know my mental health is better when I’m alone.

I find myself easily feeling like someone’s taking over and I suffer with dissociation which only seems to come out when I’m in a relationship.

But I do miss the good bits...

I also really like getting up and doing what I want to do and not having anyone else affect me with their bad moods etc.

I’m not saying i’ll never consider anything more one day. But right now, especially for my health I know I need to be single. But I want the best bits.

Am I being selfish?

I turn 30 in a few days and I’ve promised myself turning 30 will be about doing things which are right for me... rather than being a people pleaser.

well it's a shame that your previous perfect set-up has ended, was there a reason?

Perfectly ok want the type of relationship that works for you and as long as you’re up front with people then I don’t see why you shouldn’t pursue it. I bet on a dating site an honest breakdown of what you need would really appeal to some.

However the other side of this is that you have dissociation and boundary issues (feeling swamped by others and taken over) and why not throw some therapy at it? I found it very helpful for my myriad issues

catandhiskit unfortunately after half a year of whatever you want to call our time together I began to develop feelings. I confessed straight away as it was one of our rules to always be honest. He said he felt the same too and we wanted to keep things as they were. And then an old flame of his came on the scene who was willing to give him more than I was. 😔 best sex I’ve ever had and he had a gorgeous six pack and a gorgeous Yorkshire accent. He has a GF ATM but I do keep my eye out just incase.

atrociouscircumstance therapy is definitely needed but I unfortunately can’t afford it ATM because of being off work.... for the dissociation.... catch 22 or what!!!!! and I’m falling in a gap with nhs between primary and secondary care 😔 had counselling several times but this time it’s gotten worse, I have seizures and sometimes become paralysed too. Neurologist said I need to see a psychologist but there aren’t any available in my area due to funding.

Anyway that’s a whole other story but a wonderful suggestion.

I think I might set myself up a dating profile. Eeek!

You sound lovely, OP, but also quite vulnerable. It’s possible to find what you suggest but I’d be very concerned about the kind of men you’d attract on a dating site. Even those of us looking for relationships attract a veritable rogues’ gallery of liars and users, and some are very good at hiding it. I totally get your desire for intimacy but in your shoes, I’d focus on improving your health and getting to a point where you can afford the therapy you need. If you happen to meet someone who can offer you intimacy, then great, but I’m not sure going out to look for it is wise at the moment.

P.S. can you send all these men who want to settle down in my direction?! I have the exact opposite problem to you.

SonataDentata you’re so right. I set it up last night, it was nice to have a flick through but then I got a match and instantly wanted to run a mile. I instantly deleted my account and embraced star fishing in my bed!

I guess until that moment I didn’t quite realise the fear I have on it! Safe to say I’m not ready and I have some of my own rhubarb to sort out first.

You’re welcome to them! I shall point them in your direction

well yes, I always thought that if you casual BF is THAT good and great in bedm you aer bound to develop feelings. YOu would need someone less gorgeous iyjwim, less perfect for you - but would you then get bored quickly?

@CatAndHisKit to be fair he wasn’t my usual cup of tea and there were many things about him which made him unsuitable long term which I thought were bonuses in this situation. We had such a sexual spark between us even before we let on we were interested in each other that I couldn’t resist him.

However when the sex is that good and consistent for half a year, I guess chemicals and hormones and what not can’t help but sabotage!

yes but actually I'm sure you did like him a lot too as you had the dating bit for this long, and if he wasn't really your cup of tea, you'd only seen him for sex. Maybe your type needs to be revised!