Husband left yesterday

[Dcjca1234]

So we have separated, in my head I've been done for a few months but for him this has been brewing for a few weeks.

At what point is it done at what point do I tell people yeah we are over? Stupid first world question but when do you update you relationship status? When is it ok to start talking to other people? When is it ok to actually be single?

I'm just so confused!! I was just waiting out the Christmas period I was totally done a month ago but wanted to give my kids Christmas I mean it's hit them really hard and obviously they are 100% my top priority
but all they need is time. But as they are all asleep I wonder what do I act like now?

I mean he is being a proper arse whole not seeing the kids when he could taking back commitments of childcare and asking for his most recent pay back in full leaving me with nothing. His son is crying his little heart out and he won't find 1 hour to come and see them. We have 3 kids together but only my older one really understands what's happening.

Help me please!!

I find posts like this so depressing. Yet another guy abandoning sanity and leaving his kids. Relationships fail all the time but to do that your children. I despair.

I separated from my OH before Christmas. I suppose technically I’m single now but I don’t feel ready to use that title. Not go out looking for another woman. I’ve been helping her move instead and had her over for New Years. So I suppose I don’t have answer really, just when your ready to I suppose.

As for the kids, poor things. Just be there for them. Reassure them. Support them. And for the waste of space? Get in touch with a solicitor. Get the benefits and maintenance you’re entitled to. He’s abandoned you and your lovely kids. Sod him. You have to protect yourself now. Wishing you the very best.

Oh and I quite fancy my friends roommate.....have for a while not sure whether to say anything to him. He's not the sort of person to go for someone in a relationship so I wouldn't know if he likes me or not.....just can't get him out of my mind. Maybe it's just my mind distracting me from what's going on.

Think I’d be inclined to look after the interests of your kids and end your existing relationship before chasing after roommates. Distraction or not that could make your situation infinitely more complicated.

Sorry to hear about your split! We've had a rocky relationship and he treated me really bad and I just couldn't get over it he was never violent though. My kids are strong it'll just take time and seeing there dad a few times outside of the house to understand.

I'm going straight away tomorrow to sort it all out hate that I have to do it but have to provide for the children.

Good luck with everything and good on you for sticking by her it makes life a lot easier when you both accept it wasn't working and it's shit but let's not make it worse.

Concentrate on your kids first.

You mentioned your ex can’t be bothered to see the kids then have mentioned you really like a friends roommate. Seriously think of your kids !!!!

I know it would and my logical side is saying that but I'm just scared of being alone.
My kids are my top priority of course it's just the times I'm on my own that it's hard. I've just been so miserable and I guess I just want to be happy but it all comes in time.

Right so bashing is a thing on this.
I'm here with my kids, I'm feeding them, playing with them, providing for them, holding them while the cry and ask me why daddy doesn't want to see them and having to defend that arse but yeah because I'm lonely and am being honest about what goes on in my head sometime I'm the bad guy? I've done nothing wrong so what's the problem...I've put up with a ton of shit from that guy and have been so miserable so what that I think about talking to someone that seems genuenlly kind?

Nothing wrong with thinking it, but you definitely shouldn't act on anything right now.

It’s true. Occasionally bashing does occur here. I’ve been ‘bashed’ twice. Though technically I’m least qualified to be here. I’m not a woman and I have no kids. But I see people hurting and sometimes the things I say help. But try not to take anything said personally. We don’t know each other. We don’t know the hurt your feeling or the struggles you’ve had to endure. People just read a tiny block of text and apply their own perspective. Some are kinder than others.

There’s nothing wrong with talking to anyone who is kind and considerate. I think we are just concerned if it’s more than just having gabble over a cup of coffee. Not that you’re not entitled to more. Just that you’ve got a lot to deal with and think about.

You seem very confused. You have 4 children..so please take some time to think about them and not jump from one relationship to another.

You checked out of the relationship a while ago ..your Ex is probably still digesting all this.

I don't think anyone's bashing you OP, just stating the obvious.

Your head must be full to bursting at the moment, all the things to consider, plan, arrange, organise etc. I think posters are just trying to help you focus on getting priorities sorted first before adding in anything extra!
You separated yesterday, I'm sure you can agree it's very soon to be wondering when to change your relationship status, and daydreaming about your friends room mate.

Thank you maximumcarnage.

I agree it is way to soon to be doing any of that but last time we separated I was blindsided by him turning up with his ring off deleting me on Facebook etc and I wasn't prepared for it. I just wondered what peoples idea of the right time is to be right we are done we are single you know and you have to start your life as a single parent.

As I have said numerous times my kids are my top priority they are everything (I have 3 kids) but it's when your alone it gets hard and lonely and your mind wonders and you just want to be happy and feel wanted is that so bad? I'm not an idiot I'm not going to act on anything I on fully aware that I need to work on the new life I will have with my children and how that will work.

I've been with my husband since I was 15 I don't know how to be alone!! I don't know what to do or how to feel or how to act which is why I'm asking for advice without any of the think of the children because that's obviously I'm not the one who's not bothering with them!

I know a woman with a large family who’s OH ran off with another woman, her best friend as it happens which was an extra twist of the knife. Like yourself she’d known only him and having to adjust has been truly awful. For her, he was her everything. A world without her sun.

It’s incredibly difficult. I find the evenings are the worst. Especially when your the only body in the bed. And you’re use to talking and holding someone. It’s very lonely indeed.

There’s isn’t a simple answer. It takes time and that varies with us all. Spending time with family and friends can help. Getting involved in local groups or indulging in hobbies. That helps too.

And I meant no offense at stating kids first. I don’t doubt your love and dedication.

Oh that's aweful!
It was really hard to decide that my happiness mattered too I had stuck by him a lot longer than a lot would because I really wanted it to work I really wanted to keep my family together but shit just happens sometimes. I didn't want him to go completely I just wanted some space to work things out and and see if there was any fixing it but he wouldn't have any of it. And the way he's acted since just proves i was right.

It sure is lonely. My sister stayed last night and I was dreading her leaving and being on my own the only adult in the house but can't keep her hostage lol

I don't have a lot of family that are supportive but I don't have an amazing select few who will stand by my side :)

I don't understand why he's taking it out on the kids? I mean on me fine I get it make my life difficult but why them? It would be so much easier for them if I could say you'll see daddy tomorrow don't worry but nope.

Thanks again for the useful advice :)

“I've been with my husband since I was 15 I don't know how to be alone!!”

It is only now, at the age of 45, that I am learning to be alone.....

Having several toxic relationships behind me, I realise that my need for ‘someone’ has led me to waste years with the wrong people - simply because they seemed the best option at the time.....anything to avoid being alone.

I’m a month on from my last breakup now, and yes, it’s tough at times, but I KNOW that it’s the right thing to do for me, otherwise I will ALWAYS be dependent on somebody else. If I feel low, I distract myself, or go for a walk, or whatever, and it passes.....

No relationship is far better than being in a bad one, make sure that your head is straight before getting enmeshed again - find out who you are....

Good luck with whatever you choose OP :-)

Unfortunately as a parent you often have to put the needs of the children first. I know you are the one left with all the work. But try to focus on getting the children settled before thinking about flatmates. It's important for them.

...and the plus side of being single means that you have more time and space to enjoy your children, friends and family. Everybody wins, and then when the right person comes along, you’ll be much better at identifying them - tough but logical I think