How do you go about changing your partner?

[Hedgyhoggy]

Been together for nearly 20 years, we have 3 children. He’s a good dad and nice bloke but I’m increasingly questioning whether we would be together if it wasn’t for our kids. Our ds has special needs which beyond just having kids anyway would make a split so very, very difficult. I’ve just built up huge resentment towards him over our time together. I have done all the childcare, all the housework and if I suggest he help or criticise at all he becomes hugely defensive and it becomes an argument as to who does the most. He looks at me with such venom at times that I just despair...stupid things like tonight as I come down the stairs holding dd’s hand and a load of stuff she slipped and I shouted his name as he stood at the bottom of the stairs. His response was ‘Dont Jonnie me!!’. He barely acknowledges me, would never acknowledge that I might be having a bad day, might need a hug etc, doesn’t touch me). I’ve asked him if he wonts to leave, he turns it around that’s its me and that he loves me, but there is just no eveidence of this. He works very long hours, I work part time not in my profession but just to fit in with all the school runs and looking after the kids. I just don’t know what to do to improve things. If I ever try and talk to him it’s because I’ve got angry and upset or he gets defensive or he just doesn’t take anything on board. We have no money worries, (he doesn’t need to work the stupidly long hours he does) we live a lovely life in the country, life can be difficult with my ds with SNs but really that should ideally make us more of a team. I’m so sad, I don’t know what to do. I know I need to change too, but how do you and is it even possible!?!

Couples counselling ? Though I'm not sure people can change that much. Worth a try though, but he's got to want to do it too.

Only he can change himself, sadly.

You don't. That way madness lies. You set your standard and follow through with a consequence if it's continuously breached. You decide to leave if it doesn't improve. If he's serious about changing he surely will rather than lose you. If not, you know he's a waste of space and LTB.

You can't change someone. If someone wants to change you can support and encourage them. That's about it.

Change is hard. You have to want to change. You cannot make someone change. He could be working long hours to get away from home life. My EX did this. I think you have to have a honest good long look at yourself and your marriage. Try to broach the subject, concisely and as objectively as you can. Ask him how he feels. My parents were married for over 40 years but it was a terrible marriage because there was no communication at all. It was like two ghosts living in a house. If you feel like there is no way to overcome these challenges, then it would behoove you to gather your strength and end the marriage. Only, if you feel there is no other way to move forward. You have the right to be alive, not a ghost trapped in a loveless marriage.

Yep. Here’s the thing - you can’t

You need to talk to him when something hasn't just happened and you aren't upset by soemthing else. With no kids about. Tell him how you feel, and he'll either isten or he won't. Then it's about making a decision. Do you want to carry on how tho gs are if he won't work on it or will you follow through on a threat to leave? Don't make idle threats.

If you're doing all the work would being a single patent actually be harder? You might even get EOW as a break!! Would be leave so the kids could keep therfore home or would you have to move them out? Are you financially able to do so?

oh god that sounds like hell on earth