abuse/prostitution/now very lonely

[wisequartet]

Hi,

I'm fairly new to here and I'm feeling low today and looking for some words of advice or support.
My brief backstory- I grew up in an abusive/neglectful family (not chain me up in the cellar abusive, but very Stately Homes- nb. I find this thread very useful). The abuse kind of culminated when I was v violently sexually assualted (by an acquaintance, not a family member) at age 14. I tried to seek support from my mum on the night it happened but was ignored (my mum later told me that she knew something bad had happened to me that night as she was aware I was bleeding for weeks because I was using up the household supply of sanitary towels) A few months later, I went to the police as I found out he had also raped and assaulted a number of other girls in my school. There was a court case and he was charged. Again my parents were v unsupportive, ignored me or blamed me. After this I went a bit off the rails, ran away from home and ended up working in prostitution, I wasn't trafficked or explicitly coerced or anything but I was 16 when it began and experienced a lot of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) working that job. After leaving I had lots of mental health issues, depression, anorexia. I worked hard though, went to university, got a good job, am now relatively stable mental health wise and by all accounts doing well.

What I am posting about today though is how lonely I sometimes feel (a LOT at the moment) I am nearly 30 and have never really had a long term relationship, I really want one but I find it so hard to get close to men and trust them and not feel frightened and overwhelmed. Every time I have dated or been in a short relationship I inevitably panic and go cold and end it. I really want a partner and children and a family of my own some day but i just can't seem to get there. I am so frustrated, I blame my self and feel that my problems with intimacy are all my fault and I feel so alone and lonely (especially seeing friends and peers start to settle down).

Really sorry for the long post but, like I said, I'm feeling a bit low today and was hoping someone could chip in with some words of support or advice. Is there anyone out there who can relate to these feelings of loneliness and ambivalence about intimacy? Did anyone struggle with this in the past and overcome it? If so how?.....

You should be incredibly proud of yourself to have turned it around like that, many don't. Amazing.

You are amazing OP !! IF you ever need a friend please inbox.me I would be.proid to be a friend to you!! You have overcome situations where others wow have.crumbled. I suggest the freedom project- a therapy programme for survivors of sexual abuse. Ask your GP amd take it a step at a time.

Hiya, well done for writing it all down and making this post. Incredibly brave if you and will be a huge help I’m sure.
I have been through very similar and have recently started dating a lovely man - who I’ve told everything to and he didn’t even blink an eye over it!
What I’m trying to say, is the right person will love and accept you - past and all.
You have nothing to feel ashamed for.
You’re clearly a very strong woman xx

Sweetheart i wish I could give you a massive hug.

You are an amazing person to have come out of those situations, picked yourself up and excelled in life.

I don't doubt you have trust issues with the opposite sex after your experiences. Might it be time for some counselling to work on this?

Bloody hell, you are doing amazingly well and you sound lovely. You eventually need a lovely man to show that relationships can be good for you. Although these pages might sometimes seem otherwise there are a lot of caring men around. Not always easy to find though. I'm not sure what to suggest but I think it will work out for you.

I work for Rape Crisis and hear your kind of story regularly. You must remember how brave you are and you must be very kind to yourself. Never blame yourself or think it is you with the problem. Take new relationships slowly and build up trust before getting physical. You are still young and have lots of time to find someone who is right for you. Good luck x

No wonder you have problems with intimacy when your mother let you down so badly.

You rock, you're amazing, you turned things round.

Wize, reading your post has brought me to tears. Your story is almost identical to mine up to a point in your timeline. I too was a victim of abusive parents. DM was more interested in her social life then her children and DF was an alcoholic, violent bully. As the eldest DC it was my rile to play housewife when my DM was out or working shifts. I bore the brunt of the childcare for my siblings, and all the domestic duties. If these weren't to my DF standards a hiding was inevitable.
I was also sexually assaulted by my GF as a very young girl. I had no idea about what family life and good relationships should be. At 14 I met an older man who I thought would look after me. I ran away from home, not that anyone noticed I'd gone. He termed me as his princess and lured me into drugs and prostitution. At 15 I was addicted to heroin and crack cocaine and working the streets just to get by. I was raped and abused repeatedly and frequently. The drugs made me numb to what was going on.

By this point my DM and DF had divorced and had both moved on to new relationships. I reached out obe night and went home. I wanted to be safe but my DM turned me away as her new partner didn't want me there.
I lived this life for 2 years, even with a spell in prison until one day I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn't know who I was anymore.
That day I just stopped. I was sleeping rough whilst trying to get clean with nowhere to go. I eventually went back to my home town and asked me violent bully of a DF to help me. He did. He took me in and some thing had changed in him. He gave me a home and the space I needed to flourish.
What I'd been through was never spoken of. A dirty secret no one needed to no about. And to this day it's still the same.
I'm almost 40 now and have two DC of my own. I have a fantastic career in education and civil service. However I have had nothing but failed relationships since.
I'm cold and hard. I trust no one and take no sh*t. I find showing my feeling impossible. I see love as a weakness. I too know I need help to address this but by doing that if have to open old wounds and memories I have locked away and I'm just not sure I can face that.
Just writing this has been immensely therapeutic but also traumatic, as I sit here typing through the tears, I fear the floodgates may never stop.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are others, even if it is just a few of us who survived and continue to survive. In secret, with a huge dark cloud that onky we know about.
You can find tour happy ending. I found mine in my children, and I've also recently started a new relationship in which I have been more open than I ever have before.
With baited breath I think I could have found my happy ending, if only I can keep this wall down long enough to let him in and then rebuild it around us both.
If you ever want to talk please do on me x

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. I didn't really think anyone would but all your lovely comments have made me cry.

Notmymonkies, thank you so much for sharing what you have been through as well, I can identify so much with what you have written and feel less alone knowing you are out there going through the same! I hope things work out for you, I guess writing about this is a good first step?

I am starting counselling this year (first session tomorrow actually!) I have had counselling before and it helped a small amount but there are still so many issues there, I'm not really hopefully that I'll ever be able to move on fully.

Wise I really hope the counselling works for you. It's something I have thought about many times, but fear of opening old wounds always stops me.

I wish you success, and as I said, I'm sure your happy ending is out there too.

Well it is hardly surprising you feel the way you do. You have been very let down by the people who should have supported you and, dammit, loved you. So now you can hardly begin to love anyone else if you cannot seemingly love yourself. I really hope you do get counselling.

You did nothing wrong, you were not to blame. You are worth it.

What an awe inspiring story to share OP, you brave woman .

Trust in yourself because you are doing EVERYTHING right. Your 'coldness is your emotional defence mechanism kicking in. It's doing a brilliant job!

Counselling is good but only if it's from someone who genuinely understands how NPD people think, so many are utterly clueless.

Well done OP and I do hear you on the loneliness. [hugs]

I hope the counselling goes well today. It may bring a lot to the surface and make things feel worse to begin with. Best wishes.

Good luck with your session @wisequartet, let us know how it goes x

Wise quartet you should be very proud of yourself , you have achieved so much for someone who has had a very traumatic childhood. I hope your counselling has gone well. Keep going sometimes just talking to someone about your experiences can help a lot. Good luck I hope this year brings you happiness.

I had a life a lot like yours. I was an addict and with a man who made me work as a prostitute, my family are not aware as they would disown me. Relationships are hard but I've got a baby now and trying to make things good for her! PM if you like

Thanks for all your responses. I was worried that I would be judged for writing what I did but you have all been so supportive and non-judgmental!

Counselling went well today (I think). I spoke about a lot and let a lot of emotions out. I feel exhausted now! Also feel very daunted at what is ahead, there is so much to work through. I'm also wondering whether it will actually help me and my life. like it was good to cry and be listened to but how will that change anything? I know it's early days...