Emotionally unavailable?

[Wherearemycrayons]

NC for this (but penis beaker... cancel the cheque etc..)
DH and I have been together for 6 years now and married for almost 2, we have a 3 year old and another on the way.
When I met him I was so in love with him, in awe of him in fact, he genuinely is the perfect man.

After our first child and multiple things in his family (illness, bereavement) his mental health declined a lot and we went through a particularly strained time but have come out the other end stronger (this was fairly near the beginning of our relationship) there was also bereavement on my side so with a new baby all was up in the air a bit.

I love him with everything I have, but recently (and I can’t pinpoint when exactly...) he’s said that I’m really not forthcoming with intimacy (and not just sex related - as he completely understands that being pregnant and exhausted isn’t great, like I said great husband!) but like cuddling/kissing etc.

I really don’t know how I’ve got like this! I don’t know even why I’m posting as I don’t know if there’s a solution to be honest, and I don’t know if it’s normal or not?

I feel like I can see where he’s coming from.. I can’t remember the last time I kissed or cuddled him randomly, but I think it’s because I’m so involved in our 3 year old and sorting the house...working that I just don’t think about it.
And now.. it almost seems weird? Like when we’re kissing again I’m almost awkward because I feel like if I let him in he might hurt me.
It’s really weird because like I say we’re married, I love him so much and he does everything he can for me.

My previous relationships (3 long term) were all abusive in some sort of way, mostly emotional, and I think could it stem from that? But I never used to be like it and I just wondered... does life get in the way for other people? Or is there something wrong with me?

I’m particularly worried at the moment about our 3 year old with the new baby coming/trying to keep them involved and included and not to make them feel excluded in any way, and I’m not sure if this had contributed but like I say I can’t pinpoint a moment when I got like this.

My husband is also particularly high up in a very stressful job (always getting shit from the top boss) and I think sometimes I get fed up of hearing him moaning about it/family issues... god I sound like an awful person.

Any advice? I’m not sure if I can be all romantic etc or whether I just need to sort myself out in the head or something!

Anyone?

My husband has just left me and one of the reasons why is a lack of affection from my behalf. It is definitely worth addressing it before the situation gets worse (I am not saying he would ever leave you but it’s not something to be ignored). I struggle with physical affection generally and I put it down to not really having much as a child, plus he always initiated it and I was comfortable with that. Not that I am in any position to give advice but I do regret not showing my husband more that I loved him. Do you make time for date nights? Even if it’s at home, dress up nice and cook something special (difficult I know with little ones), do you send him messages that aren’t just about mundane practical things, just to show that you are thinking about him? Do you hold his hand if you are walking somewhere? Do you cuddle on the sofa? I wish I had made more of an effort with these things but then it transpires that I have been emotionally abused during our marriage and that also caused me to shutdown emotionally. Have you ever had counselling to address the issues in your previous relationships? Just to reiterate, I am in no way saying that he will leave you, it’s just something I have given a lot of consideration since it happened to me (there were lots of other reasons too).

Thanks ragcat
Do you know, even from the first sentence it’s kind of shook me into touch a bit! So really, thank you.
I don’t do any of the things that you have asked, literally none of them. And I used to! All the time, I think I’m blaming kids and every day stresses but maybe I have just got a bit lazy with it 😔
I feel ashamed because he is a hard working man and brilliant in every way, although obviously can have his moments too!
Date nights make me feel a lot closer to him and we always say we’ll make time and then don’t so that’s something to address.
I’ve been to one counselling session and found that it was useless because I was spilling my heart out (a few other issues in past relationships other than emotional abuse but it would be too outing to put) and she wasn’t giving me anything back. It’s not that I expected her to tell me everything was going to be ok I just felt like she was listening to me and not giving me any help in trying to change my thought process etc which is what I expected, but maybe I’m wrong?
I feel awful that I’m like this, but I do think it’s my past coming to bite me and I wish it didn’t effect me so much.

Sorry, I really wasn’t trying to scare you, the things I listed were things I was going to make an effort to do to try and fix things, but for us it was too late. There are loads and loads of other things going on too and I think to be honest he is just using this as one of his excuses for going off to find ‘happiness’. If I ever tried to instigate affection he would say ‘I do the touching’ so a very different situation to yours. It is difficult to prioritise this sort of thing over everything else that goes on in daily life but I now know that marriages do need working on. I really, really hope I haven’t made you insecure, you are already doing a lot more than me by recognising it as a potential issue in the first place. You have the birth of your baby to look forward to which will I am sure be a wonderful thing for your family and strengthen those emotional connections. All the very best for the New Year xx