Can you get over insecurity in a relationship?

[Xanthipi]

I've been in a relationship for 2 years. My boyfriend is reticentnever says "I love you" or anything like that, but expresses affection in other ways. It's complicated why I feel so insecure. . has to do with the fact that he's quite a bit older and I idealize him a bit and he's sort of a big deal in my profession even though I wouldn't say that women hang all over himhe's sort of odd looking and eccentric, but appealing in other ways. Anyway I always feel on the brink of rejection. And because he's not the reassuring type (I've tried to talk to him about my insecurity and he's a bit nonresponsive, just because that's the way he is) the insecurity just gets more pronounced over time. But I love him so much, so I'd never think of leaving him, even if this relationship does make me a bit insane with insecurity. I wonder if anyone else has ever been in this situation, and if it ever gets better?

Sorry, should have made that clear. No. I'm split from dh (with whom I have 2 kids) and this is a new(ish) relationship. We don't plan to have kids. He has grown kids and doesn't want anymore.

Hi mommalove, thanks for your interest in this.

Well he's loving in the "doing" way as opposed to the verbal way. On days I see him, he picks me up from work and cooks for me; if I stay the night he brings me tea in bed next morning; if we have a row he tries to make it right immediately;he's physically expressive (whereas ex dh and I had a pretty much celibate marriage); and he's thoughtful, helpful and supportive. I'm that way with him, too--but even more devoted. But we're wired differently: I'm highly strung, and he's easy-going. I guess that's what I meant in my first post when I said "that's just the way he is."

When I look at things objectively, there's no need for me really to feel threatened. Nevertheless, even if it's irrational, I've felt on the brink of abandonment for 2 years now, and it's a bit tiring. I've never had this insecurity in a relationship before. For example, I worry I don't measure up to ex-girlfriends, a couple of whom he felt passionately about and who became "muses" for him. (He's a writer.) Whereas his relationship with me is much more easy-going. He says his feelings for me are "strong" and "good" but he doesn't use the word "love." He said he never had that feeling of "infatuation" with me, but that infatuation doesn't last, so he doesn't think that's a problem. I guess I'm OK with not being adored; but the fact that he has adored other women makes me feel that he'd abandon me for someone else without hesitation.

i'm a great believer in following your instincts, and your instincts are saying that he's not as into you as you are into him. tbh i think given this is having such a detrimental effect on you, you should consider very carefully what you get out of this relationship and whether it's enough to sustain you.

totally agree with warthog and mommalove. can you accept that he may never feel towards you the way you feel towards him? could you be happy and fulfilled if in the back of your mind, you always wonder if someone else may come along and stir up that uncontrollable passion in him?

sounds like you have a lot going for you in the relationship, but sadly I wonder if he can ever be the partner you want/need. you don't have to 'settle' for living this way. he sounds like by his words (and lack of them) he has made you feel insecure. telling you about the passion he has felt for other women and not you. no reasuurance (when you obviously need it). will not say that he loves you. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do tbh.

hi there, just wanted to second other posts that say go with your instinct. I had a quite destructive relationship in my early twenties with a guy who sounds just like the one you are describing. He too was the creative type and quite a big cheese in my industry. I was still finding my feet in my career and was totally in awe of him. Like your man, he was very attentive physically but in my opinion a bit of an emotional retard. Don't know if it means anything but I later discovered he had a very fragmented relationship with his mother! Anyway, the less he said the more I obsessed with him and in the end he had me wrapped around his little finger. He backed off from planning things in advance, would tell me he would call me "later" but never say what time - often calling at 10 o'clock at night to see if I wanted to go out for a drink. He never did anything "wrong" to me but I was filled with distrust and insecurity about the relationship. And the more I said the more he withdrew. I tried to be laid back about our differences but just didn't have it in me and in the end decided to end the relationship - the alternative was turning me into a clingy and needy woman which is not what I wanted for my future. A couple of years later I met my dh and discovered the joys of being in a relationship where you know what's coming next (of course no-one knows what is around the corner - so touch wood we continue in this way!) and of not having to adapt a "whatever" approach to our every move. I know everyone's experiences are different and you have to figure out what is right for you but I think sometimes you have to be brave to see if what you have is worth sticking aorund for. As the saying goes "if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours, if they don't, they never were". That's essentialy what I did. He never came back because he was never mine to begin with. And I knew that all along - which is why I was so insecure! Sorry rambling now but good luck with whatever you decide. x

Its a difficult one isnt it because only you can get rid of these feelings of insecurity. The best way to look at it is ,if the worst case scenario occurs and he does leave you ,what will happen ? will your life suddenly stop/ will your legs drop off? will you never ever be attractive to another man aslong as you live? Continue in this vein . Be honest with yourself ,you are an attractive ,intelligent women and he is a old ,odd and eccentric man . However if you continue along the OMG is he going to leave me insecure route then he probably will .

How do you feel about yourself? I think that's the best index. Never mind about how you feel about him, how do you feel about yourself, the person you are now that you are with him?

this man is totally in control of your relationship. he tells you he feels strongly for you, yet happily discusses his obsessions with other women, making it clear he felt more strongly about them. do you make it clear that he is everything to you? i would try to redress the balance of power a little bit. just ease off a bit, and see if he changes his behaviour. play his game and see what happens.

You all are really nice to contribute your opinions. And they are so helpful, thank you! (Especially when you said the things I didn't want to hear!)

I wonder if I'm maybe an unreliable narrator because I'm unbelievably insecure by nature, so you're maybe seeing the situation through my crazy distorted lens!

My boyfriend is, I have to say, really good to me: he wants to see me a lot; he never yanks me about or tries to control me ever; he's loving and treats me with tenderness; he likes my kids and makes an effort; he wants me to succeed; he's brought me into his circle of mates; and, despite his fierce sense of privacy, is "public" about the fact that I'm his girlfriend, which wasn't the case at first, and whichI know it sounds weirdis hard for him.

He never talks about former girlfriends, or rarely. (That's part of his reticence.) It's just that one of his booksone that he wrote nearly 10 years agohas a poem which is a public and passionate love letter to a woman he was so head over heels in love with that he left someone else for her. (I was unfortunate enough to meet her at a partyshe's beautiful.) I just feel crushed to know I'll never be a muse to him the way she was. Also: I looked through one of his old notebooks, and there were drafts of his work interspersed with drafts of love letters to her (this "muse" of 11 years ago) and, more recently, (say 3 or 4 years ago), to another woman he was infatuated with but who rejected him. He used the phrase "I love you" in those letters. But these were letters of despair; he was trying to win these women back. So for all I know, he can only say "I love you" when someone leaves himI just don't know. In fact, when I left him (briefly) last autumn, because of my deep insecurity, he emailed me to say he DOES love me, and please to come back. But it's not something he's ever said since.

Anyway he says that he never really thought things could "work" with those women he was infatuated with; but that he actually thinks things could "work" with us. He seems to be trying to make a point that the kind of relationship we have, even if it's not quite like the more heated ones, is one that he'd like to last, and one that he thinks is more likely to last.

Butas a lot of you saidthere is this unbalance, which is probably not going to change. And probably there always is the risk of his leaving me. But in another way I sometimes think that maybe he's not looking for that kind of passion anymore. . .like maybe he's just getting to an age where he wants a lasting, supportive relationship. But I don't know. And probably he doesn't know either.

Sorry I'm such a bore! Wish I could have made this more concise.

Maybe to him actions speak louder than words, but sometimes you just need to hear it. He has told you he does then.
The words I love you are quite over rated tho, no.
DH says he loves me ll the time, but sometimes his actions say otherwise and leave me like this

Like he said passion fades and you are left with the relationship, yours sounds very kind and caring and thoughtful. Would you rather have someone saying it all the time, or showing it??
Maybe he's said it before and it's blown up in his face.
Perhaps a heart to heart???

PS: the funny thing about this imbalance (I can't believe I said "unbalance" in that last post!) is that I get plenty of attention from menit happens in front of him even. At gatherings people often say to him, in my presence, "She's beautiful!" etc (though I don't view myself as beautiful at all; if I did, maybe I'd be more confident) and people even sometimes laugh when they realize I'm his girlfriend because they find it so hilarious that I'd find him attractive! But I only love him so the attention from others doesn't mean anything to me, and anyway I'm not that young anymore, and who knows how much longer the attention will last. Anyway my boyfriend never, ever gets jealoushe just finds it amusing when men flirt with me--which also makes me think his feelings aren't where I need them to be.

So anyway when you all say trust your instincts, it's hard to know, really, how valid my radar is. . .I'm wrong about so many things because I view things so negatively.

But I have listened to all of you carefully, and I will be thinking about all of your comments.

Thanks, bandofmuggles, you're the first to show that other point of view. . .which I think is valid and comforting (and I guess more what I want to hear!). Thanks for that.

I agree with bandofmuggles. Actions do speak louder than words and can be of much more use and much more fum sometimes

I also think that it's your DP who is a tad insecure. I think he maybe 'likes'(maybe wrong word to use) the fact that you are insecure and unsure of his love for you. Your constant questioning him and 'asking' him for reassurance is enough for him, he feels from this that you do love him. His not telling you keeps you wanting. Without him having to put his heart on the line. A bit of a control thing too I think.
Is this making sense? Ive got a headache today!

so it's not actually that he's going around saying how wonderful these women are and being silent when it comes to you. he comes out with these professions of love when he thinks he might lose them. which is very different.

i agree that you don't have to say words, you show it. that's FAR more valuable. have you ever discussed your future together? any sign of commitment forthcoming?

i do think that lack of self worth fuels insecurity. i think you need to start working on your confidence. examine why you think you're not worthy and try to address them objectively. there used to be a course called insight, run in the uk. unfortunately it isn't running anymore, but there may be something similar. they help you to explore yourself, and understand how other people see you.

i'd focus on you for the next six months, and then re-evaluate.