Talk some sense into me please?

[hopelesslybonkers]

Marriage is more than a bit pants, DH is not a particularly helpful person when it comes to maintaining the house/housework or parenting our DS. He's permanently playing on his phone and in a bad mood. He shouts at DS a lot, stomps around like a moody teenager in a huff, and has recently started having the same attitude with me. I'm not claiming to be a saint here - I've very little patience with him any more, and struggle to take interest in his hobbies.

I made a male friend, who is also married - we have a laugh and are in a group of mutual mates. Over the past summer, we teetered dangerously on the edge of what I think could have become an emotional affair - lots of texting, gravitating towards each other at events etc. We agreed it wasn't a good idea to be as close as we were and decided to pull away from each other. The friendship took a massive hit, and we're finally getting back to a comfortable place with more appropriate boundaries.

At least, I thought we were. I'm probably projecting because things at home haven't been happy for a long while (since way before I met this friend, no re-writing our history going on), but I keep finding my mind wandering off, thinking that this friend is everything my H isn't - I know in my heart that's not true, and he's many, many bad qualities, and I know a relationship would never work even if we were single, but the fantasy seems to be really embedded. And it's made worse by the fact that this friend is an amazing Dad - my H's lack of interest in our child is the biggest problem in our marriage.

I'm friends with his wife too, but I've started getting pangs of jealously when they're being "lovey" with each other - which is stupid, because I know I don't want that with him!! Our mutual friendship group doesn't really include partners, although they're not excluded specifically.

This is the first time I've had a close group of mates since DS was born, probably even longer, so I need to find a way to get past this - I'd be the one who'd have to step away from the group if we had to go NC.

We were friends before the "group" formed, perhaps I'm just jealous that I don't get the same amount of attention from him now? I don't know. All I know is I want to keep my friend, so I need to find a way out of this stupid fantasy version I've created of him.

Someone slap some sense into me? Or analyse it all and tell me to stop being stupid?

You need to sit down with your h and spell out what is wrong

Don't sugar coat the way it is making you feel

I think your boundaries sound ok with your friend but unless you sort out your marriage, there will always be issues with your friend

Urgh, sort your shit out OP. Your shitty marriage isn’t an excuse for your behaviour. You can’t be friends with this guy while you feel the way you do, back off and deal with your marriage.

I think you've done well recognising the signs and feelings and retreating from the friend. Also you know you're projecting. So well done not urgh from me.

Sit down with your husband and talk to him about how he wants to be seen as a father, what was his own father like etc. How old is your child? Do you want anymore? Does he?

Jog22 Thank you.

We've spoken about him wanting more children - he does but I do not (we have one, just started school) mostly because 99% of parenting duties have come down to me - I gave up everything for being a parent and for DH's job. I'm just getting my life back in order and he's pushing for another child he wont help look after. He spends a lot of time trying to guilt me into it, saying things like DS would be an amazing big brother, how horrible it'd be for him as he got older to be an only child etc. I had a really rough time with pregnancy and labour ending up with PTSD, so the thought of having another one is scary enough without the fear that I'll go back to being isolated and alone again.

Problem is we've had this talk over and over again, and it's like I've not spoken. He just repeats it all over again. I would consider it if he'd do anything with our DS now - he wont take him out for bike rides or swimming, if I'm busy they just sit there in front of the tv all day with DH getting cross as DS if he asks for anything, and him forgetting to do his lunch etc. I don't want him to take him out all the time, just some of the time!

What a git for pulling the lonely only child guilt trip on you when you went through so much with this pregnancy. That must make you feel shit.

What's he like as a person in himself? Does he have any interests? (Dare I say hobbies) What are his views on parenting? If you asked him for 3 things that made a good dad what would he say?

If he just sits in front of a screen with him now I don't want to alarm you more but soon it will Minecraft and Fortnite etc and it's going to be a bugger if he's got one parent with boundaries i.e you and one 'brilliant' one who lets him on for 8 hour stretches.

Jog22 Thank you for replying.

He does have hobbies (also a point of contention as they meant he was frequently away for whole weekends, especially when DS was very little) They mean we don't get a lot of time together as a family - I have a hobby too but it's mostly 2 evenings a week for a few weeks and then nothing again for a while.

I've tried to talk to him about screen time - he gets cross with DS if he's watching something and DS wants his attention. I rarely watch the telly myself, although I am guilty of us having the telly on after school for DS to have a bit of chill out time.

I spent last night thinking about all of this, and I think my thought process is that I'm actually a little jealous of my friend's family life, which is what's reinforcing the fantasy. As I said before, he's a great dad, they have loads of family holidays and adventures. His child is twice my DS's age, so obviously things are a bit easier. With my DH spending a fortune on his hobbies, including all the fuel for travelling and hotels etc. we don't have much cash left for doing anything like holidays and things. We've had to cancel holidays because he's had an event.

We've been having this same argument since DS was born, I'm just not sure how many more times I can do this same cycle.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole and your 'friend' sounds like a convenient way of avoiding what you already know.

Your friend represents everything you lack and wish you had - a decent loving partner who is a good parent to his child and takes a fair share of the load. I think you recognise this, and realise that you don’t actually want to break up this chap’s marriage and have him yourself, but you do want that sort of good relationship instead of the crap one you’re currently in.
OP, I think you need to stop fantasising and address your real life problem.
Time for an ultimatum to your partner - he either steps up to his role as dad and husband, or he gets out, and leaves you free to find somebody decent, or to live alone without the hassle and negativity he causes.

KeysHairbandNotepad You're probably right. I'm going to have to find a way of talking to DH somewhere where he can't go off and sulk, so he'll actually listen, and see if we can make some changes.

Babdac I think that hits the nail right on the head. I definitely don't want to break up his marriage.

I'm going to give him an ultimatum - and I think it's a fair one. If he wants to keep doing his hobby, he needs to spend his free weekends taking DS out and doing things that I can't do with him (I can't swim, for example, so currently, neither can DS as I can't take him in the pool, and DH wont), or we go away on cheap holidays. He needs to make an effort, as he currently finds no joy in us having a child. I love being a mum, and I know it's far more fun when we get to do stuff, rather than just being stuck on the sofa with a screen for entertainment.

How does he justify wanting more DC when he does so little with your DS?

I was in a similar situation... no friendship going on...but he wanted more DC and I didn't think he did enough hands on stuff with them.

I can't help thinking he didn't want more as much as he said...or he would have done what I asked.

I've got 2 DC...I'm happy with them....
he wanted 3 or 4.

This is how I f*&^ed up my divorce. I was miserable in my marriage, met someone who filled all the gaps (friendship, respect, being listened to, morality, consideration etc), got too close to them then threw everything to the wind and slept with him. DH got suspicious, I confessed. DH wanted to stay together, I tried for two years out of guilt but was miserable. Finally had the guts to end the marriage but now the breakdown was all my fault because I had had an affair and was a slag and a cow and a selfish bitch etc etc

I should have done what you are going to do: sort or end my marriage first; find happiness with a new partner second.

I also applaud you for realising your projections and what this friend represents. I also applaud you for not making yourself even more vulnerable by having another child. Well done on both counts.

I would say it would help to eradicate this fantasy of OM by dealing with the more pressing, real-world problem of your marriage. This dead-in-the-water marriage remains fertile ground for fantasy and projection the longer it continues.

Having been in your shoes (lazy, joysucking, disengaged dad of a DH) I would bypass the ultimatum (spoiler alert - he won’t change). Start making plans for a life without him and his selfish negativity dragging you and ds down.

I did it and it was the best thing I ever did.

I also think when you deal with your real-world problem (need to leave DH) you instantly become more ‘authentic’ and can ask for what you really need in life from friends etc. This will put you on safer ground in terms of this OM as you will be meeting your own needs etc. you won’t need this projection to fill the gaps.

Good luck OP

I think your marriage is dead in the water.
You've tried talking to him before.
You've tried ultimatums before and they haven't worked (because you don't follow through)
This one won't work either.
Start making plans to separate.
See a solicitor and see where you would stand.
But sort all of that out first and leave OM and his wife alone.

*hellsbellsmelons" You're totally right. I'm not going to rush this, but I think getting some plans in place might be the way to go.

Although the way you say "leave OM and his wife alone" makes it sound like I'm meddling - I'm not, and have no intention of causing any friction with them. I intend to remain friends with them because they're nice people. This "fantasy" is very much in my own head, and I've taken steps to stop it going any further.

To be fair, from your OP this fantasy exists in both your heads.

Be careful, OP. Focus on making your own life better.

I was unhappy in my marriage, started fancying someone in my social group.

I realised it was unhealthy & stopped joining that group to put some distance between us.

6 months on my marriage broke down & I ended up having a short relationship with “OM”.

I can look back now knowing I did the right thing & my marriage didn’t end because the grass was greener, the marriage ended because it needed to.

Just my experience.

He wants another child so that your existing one can play the part he should be playing himself.

Few weeks on, I tried to talk to him but he just went off to sulk in the garage. I've said that I'm worried about us and he just muttered something about me just being ill (had flu over Xmas) and walked off.

I can't see how I can afford to leave. I only work part time, we'd have to sell the house because I couldn't afford it alone, and I can't afford to rent anything that wouldn't mean DS having to move schools. I love my job so I don't want to leave (no option for full time at the moment but it's the entry into the career I've wanted my whole life, so I don't really want to abandon that.) I'm trying to put a bit of money away each month but it inevitably gets used for food.

He's getting us into money trouble, sodding off for weekends for his hobby again and his attitude with DS is awful. When he shouts at him I think I actually hate H but I can't seem to express this in a way that he'll listen to.

He's started mocking me for things now, eg. I did veganuary and have decided to become vegetarian full time (I was for years when I was younger) but I'm not expecting him or DS to do the same, and I'm still cooking what they would normally eat, just with veggie alternatives for me, but he keeps making a point of saying to DS "Oh Mummy wont eat that now cause she's silly" and then says "only kidding" but it's really hurtful.

With regards to the friend, we're fine, no inappropriate contact etc. The thought still crosses my mind occasionally but I just remind myself that it's not the friend I want, but the imagined life I'd created.

I feel really sorry for you. People rarely change, unfortunately. How he can not want to be out with his son doing fun things I don't know. Good luck.

BlokeHereInPeave Thank you. I'm glad it's not just me thinking that he's wrong for acting that was towards DS.

I'm panicking a bit in my head - I can't figure out a way of leaving him that doesn't royally screw up everything for me and DS. I don't have any of my family nearby (they're all well over an hour away) which would mean giving up the bits on our lives that DS and I enjoy and I've worked hard for.

I'm scared that I'm going to end up finding someone else - and I don't want to end a relationship like that. I'd far rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship, but I don't know how to get there.

The thing that really gets me is how H's so like my Dad was when I was younger - distracted, disinterested, piling on weight and becoming absorbed in his own interests to the detriment of everyone else's - my Mum repeatedly cheated on him, and I always hated her for it (we didn't talk for years), but I guess I can kind of see why she would now? Not that I'm justifying it, and I'd never want to have an affair, but I can see the allure I think?

This is making me so miserable. I don't want to hate him, we've been together a long time, and when things have been good they've been amazing. I'm really worried that if we carry on down this line that we will end up completely despising one another which wont be good in terms of co-parenting in the future.

How do you think your son feels about it? My guess is miserable - and he is learning that this is how men behave...

Don't have an affair.

You are allowing yourself and your child to be entrapped by an entitled abuser. He enjoys bullying you both. For your son’s sake, please leave.

He is abusing you and your son financially.
“”He is getting us into money trouble.”
*Over-spends family money on his hobbies, so you have no extras, can’t take a family trip, and even have to spend savings for food.

He is manipulating and disrespecting you mentally and emotionally.

*Mocks you in front of your son.
*Shouts and stomps at you
*Permanently in bad mood and on phone
*Has purposely opted out of family life.

*Spends weekends away with hobbies, which are prioritized over everyone and everything.
*Stonewalls by refusing to listen and discuss your concerns.

*Dismisses you by walking away and sulking
*Repeatedly pressures you to have another child, ignoring your prior PTSD and the fact that you do 99% of parenting.

He neglects and mistreats your son.

*Verbally abuses and shouts at him.
*Refuses to parent him, prioritize him, or spend time with him.
*Mocks you in front of him.
*You don’t know how to protect your child from him.

I would stop trying to discuss anything with this man. He doesn’t care. In the meantime, your son is being damaged by being treated as ‘less than’ by his father. He should not have to suffer being frequently verbally abused and neglected. His view of relationships and family life will surely be skewed.

You are making excuses for staying. If you have family 1-2 hours away, consider moving close to them so you will have a support network. You and your son can make a good life there.

If staying in your town is a must, then sell the house and move to a less expensive neighborhood, even if your son has to change schools. Wouldn’t that be better for him than being trapped with an abuser?

The OM is a red herring, a distraction. The huge issue here is your being proactive in separating yourself and your child from this emotional and financial nightmare. Counseling would be very beneficial for you to build up your self-esteem, learn coping strategies, and investigate why you are tolerating his abuse. Also, you may not be over your PTSD.

You need very specific advice about your very specific situation.

Get an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the details of a divorce.

Investigate what benefits you would be entitled to if you were single - this could make renting in your area a possibility.

Moving house doesn't HAVE to require moving schools. But kids are flexible and your son could move schools and make new friends quite easily. My brother did this when he was 8yo and he's still in contact with several of his original school friends.

Finally, please do organise those ducks and get yourself and DS away from this man. He's setting a shit example of how to treat a partner, and it is likely that the abuse will be increasingly directed at your son.

Good luck