I think my marriage is ending.../IVF/baby loss

[NotToday1601]

Not sure why I'm posting here, maybe I want some reassurance.

DH and I have been together for 8 years, married 5. He had some serious health issues at the beginning of our relationship, which I supported him through and we always thought it made us stronger. Thanks to a fantastic medical team his health is now on the up.

Approx 4 years ago we started TTC and discovered we couldn't conceive naturally due to the medications DH takes. Our only option was IVF.

We started last year and on our 4th attempt we were blessed with a pregnancy, sadly due to an incompetent cervix which I wasn't aware of, I gave birth to our little boy too soon and he did not survive, this was in October this year.

A combination of the Christmas stress/sadness and the fact that we have both been at home together a great deal has meant we have been at each other's throats constantly. I am mid-cycle for another IVF round so I think my hormones haven't helped, I can be very fiery and I will admit am not always the easiest to live with. I've found IVF really difficult, I've gained weight and distanced myself from people socially because I just feel like nobody understands how hard it is. I feel like since we started IVF I've been walking around under a dark cloud.

My mum who has NPD has been adding to my stress and I just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn. I love my DH dearly and I know he loves me, we are extremely close and understand each other inside out but sometimes say the most awful things to one another, I just can't stop wondering if our relationship has taken too much of a battering to come back from all of this.

We have spent the morning arguing started by me picking fault in something resulting in me storming out alone for 2 hours. I'm home now in the bedroom. He's just brought me in a cup of tea and we discussed the logistics of breaking up (selling the house, who would keep the dog etc). It was a calm conversation and we were both crying, I don't want him to leave but I also don't want to continue in this unhappiness any longer I feel like I haven't been happy in myself for such a long time.

Any pearls of wisdom?

Im so sorry for your losses OP.

I also failed a relationship while TTC and yes I was very sarcastic etc. (LIke even more than i am on Mumsnet...)

I think from what you've said, maybe it's best you move on without him and seek counselling for not having DC.

I also started HATING anyone who had more then 2 DC. Like they had more than their fair share and that might affect my TTC.

It is such early days from what ypu have been through.

Dp and i lost our son a few years ago at 27weeks. We both handled it completely differently and his way didnt feel good enough to me. We spent a LOT of time in the first year or two arguing and me walking out. We worked through it though. Somethinf like that brings you closer in the end and there is really only the two of u who knows how it feels.

I say stick with it. The first of everything after baby loss is heartbreaking plus you are mid treatment which wont help bur hopefully will in the future when you will be blessed with another child try and be kind to each other. I'm sorry for your loss and the tough times you are going through.

Also have either of you had any counselling?

Would you consider trying marriage counselling?

It might help gain a better understanding of how you both feel with a neutral professional.

It's such early days after your loss.. and I am so sorry

If your mum has NPD, can you distance yourself? You're not going to need that right now, it won't help.

Is there any merit in perhaps one of you staying elsewhere for a period of time? Maybe agree six weeks living apart and then reevaluate?

Counselling may help you come to terms with things, but realistically I think you'd probably need to go private to get help quickly.

It sounds like you had a really lovely relationship and if this is temporary because of the hurt you are both feeling and your heightened emotions, it would be a shame to walk away from each other. Equally, you can't carry on as you are, you'll tear each other apart.

I hope you work things out somehow

because I just feel like nobody understands how hard it is

I truly believe that you have to go through years of TTC and treatments and dissapointments before you know how hard it is. Even my loveliest most empathetic friends didn't quite understand.

Wouldn't it be better to stop TTC for a few months to see if you can save the relationship together? I know how daunting it is to take a break from IVF but you'll have to anyway if you break up. It sounds like you do love each other but it's getting too difficult for you both. Being on hormones can make your emotions also more difficult to handle. Maybe you can use these months to see if you want to stay together and if yes, you can start some therapy or coaching to help you both get through the IVF attempts.

I left it about 18months after ds to ttc again. I needed to grieve him and really didnt want the pressure of another pregnancy. It was the best thing i did. We put so much stress on ourselves ttc and then life completely changing when you dp get that bfp. I felt like my life was on hold.

Having something else to look forward to helped us. Booking holidays and trips away. Things we couldnt or wouldnt do if i was pregnant or had a baby.

Get some really good individual and joint counselling from someone who is experienced in grief and IVF issues

It’s like no one else understands so you cannabilise each other and take it out on each other

Look on bacp website and hunt around till you find the right therapist

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and your loss.

Reading this I don't think you should split. You clearly love each other and it's circumstances that's driving a wedge between you not your feelings for one another.

I also think grief counselling is the way to go, but try and see a future together if you can.

I also don't think you should split up and sounds like you love each other.
You definitely could do with speaking to a professional together.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you have been through.

A huge number of couples break up because of ttc or IVF but also if a baby dies. You’ve been struggling through all three and on top of that your DH has serious health issues. I’m not surprised that you and your DH feel how you do.

I agree about looking at counselling. Have you also sought out your local SANDS group? The meet ups were so good for me after my baby died and I found a group of people who understood so much more than others do. There are befrienders who will be happy to chat to you and meet up or email so you can have someone to talk to and get support from.

You'd have to be super human to survive what you're experiencing without any difficulty. Both of you are obviously grieving, and both of you need support and love. It sounds as if you both love each other but also both need some additional help. Counselling may well be a good idea but also is just talking about how wretched you both feel, how you both don't want to take it out on each other but obviously are, and how to help each other to access the support you both need. Maybe he needs a grief counsellor and you need something different, or vice versa, who knows. Maybe you need to remind each other that you love each other even though right now you've nothing to give. (And I say all this as a coward who chickened out of ivf because this kind of loss terrified me.) wishing you both all the best.

Honestly, Thankyou to everyone who took the time to respond. I began to really despair that there is no coming back from this for us.

Although we had previously had IVF counselling through the clinic we hadn't considered couples counselling for the grief of losing our son, and more IVF.

I spoke to my DH and he's on board for couples therapy.

We have agreed to continue this cycle of IVF as transfer is likely to be in the next week or so (its a FET cycle). We have agreed that either way counselling is a must, but if it doesn't work we will take some time out (thinking months rather than weeks) to get back to who we were before this. We used to love going out and travelling together but our whole life has become so focused on IVF/paying for IVF we have forgotten all of that.

@Rarfy I am so so sorry for your loss and commend your bravery for taking a break from TTC- I think as a woman our hormones are so jumbled following loss we just want to fill that space.

Thanks so much each of you and happy new year x

I haven’t much time to respond but couldn’t not do so.

We had 8 years of infertility, IVF and pregnancy loss amongst other issues inc my NPD mother.

I got to the stage where I begged for a divorce, we went through 3 periods where we were lost to each other, I went through a period where I seriously lost myself and was quite scared for myself let alone dealing with another’s grief.

Anyway, we had extensive specialist IVF counselling at one point. I can pass on some details if you are London based.
We also had some other counselling at an earlier period for unrelated childhood issues but touched upon infertility with that too.

Both times it had saved either one of us and our marriage.

IVF is bad enough without dealing with loss and vice versa. A continuous cycle of hope, despair, fear, planning and limbo.
And this time of year is beyond shite for the infertile, I didn’t celebrate at all Christmas for a few years.

I know that we only made it due to counselling and a genuine and true love for each other. I believe we are stronger for it all, but only due to luck and a solid foundation maybe.

I wish you all the best for this cycle and the future.

Oh before I really go, we had a few ‘year outs’ from IVF, found money to holiday and had regular date nights at cinema/theatre/exhibitions or if skint at home with films, phones off and no IVF or baby talk.

We needed it to reconnect and remember who we were (together and independently) and what we were.

It was really the best thing i could have done. Being pregnant again after loss (im 36wks today) is mentally exhausting and surprisingly you are offered no support with tht aspect of it.

I hope this cycle does work for you but if not maybe 3 / 6 months might be good for you to catch your breath, plan some things you enjoyed prior to ttc and just be you and him for a few months.

Definitely seek counselling,if you can afford it private is best but if not speak to the hospital where you lost your baby or your own gp. They are supposed to prioritise bereaved parents now.

Child bereavement UK offer monthly phone counselling

Can have this in conjunction with privately arranged face to face

Makes sure you are keeping on the right track

I'm so glad to read you have discussed counselling. You have gone through so much heartbreak that it would be awful to let go the love that you do have, without the fight it deserves. We haven't experienced the loss you have but we could not have children, yet I'm also aware that we DO have something good because we have each other. Life is bloody unfair and we didn't get everything we wanted but I also look around sometimes and feel very lucky to have my dh. (Sorry if this is coming out wrong / clumsily btw, I just really wish you both well).

Hi ladies
@LASH38 Thankyou so much for your words and I'm so pleased you both managed to work through something similar. We live just outside London so if you'd be willing to share the details of the counselling service you used that would be great- Thankyou x

@Rarfy I can't even imagine how difficult pregnancy has been after your loss. I am a naturally quite anxious person and I know that when we eventually get another BFP it's going to be a long road ahead. Truly wishing you all of the very best with the last few weeks, you will bring your baby home xx

@Lolorolomolo thanks so much I'll look into that xxx

I'm so sorry you've had these problems, losing your little boy was quite heartbreaking. It takes a long time to recover.

Not surprising you are rubbing each other up the wrong way. Yet you say you were good together and there is love.

Couples counselling may help.

Perhaps have a complete break from trying to conceive, try to enjoy life as it is and be kind to each other. The most important thing is your relationship and if it is worth salvaging, go for that - but gently, giving it time and no pressure about having babies.

Yearning for something may obscure the good things you already have.

With all good wishes for 2019 .

I feel for you ivf is hard enough but what you have been through is particularly cruel and you are both still grieving. You clearly love each other though so i would go ahead with some couples counselling. Its hard when people who want babies just have them so you need to speak to someone who understands as doing ivf can feel very isolating. I’d also try and find a support group to find people in same situation who can understand how you feel. If the treatment works wonderful but if not i would suggest a break, reconnect together and try again in say 6 months. I know its hard to have a break when you want to get on with it, but you must to come to terms with the grief suffered and you’ll be refreshed and ready to try again. My marriage broke up over ivf but it was a different reason, he decided he wasnt sure if family was for him (though had a baby with the OW!). Anyway i met someone else and did ivf with him and we now have a DS. Perhaps the break helped... So ivf can work. Wishing you well