Walk away or tell him how I feel

[LearningMySelfWorth]

The guy I fancy is autistic and he's currently ghosting me according to his sister, it's because he is trying to process how he feels towards me and cope with the stresses and the arguments between him and his family. Which I get, he's stressed but it's a shitty thing to do, especially as I've messaged him at his request and he's replying and messaging others. Usually he messages and responds instantly so the silence is particularly deafening as he's ignored me since the 26th.

I've been told by our mutual friends and his family (and himself in a roundabout way) that he likes me, and according to my best friend and our mutual friends we're very much on the same wavelength. Both autistic, annoyingly clever (and often egotistical) and academic, we have job offers from the same and similar companies but different departments (still at uni so graduate programmes), very similar interests and follow the same religion.

I've also been told that I could do a lot worse as he is very attractive, very clever, he can be incredibly sweet and kind and he's clearly into me and clearly going to do well for himself. However I don't know if I can deal with the lack of communication and his occasionally prickly/difficult personality and behaviour and stubborness. He's either muted me (which I know he does sometimes to people when he can't cope with talking to them) or just ignoring me. Either way I think it's rather rude as it would only take him a second to message that he's having a hard time right now and can't reply to messages. I mean out of everyone he knows I'd understand.

I know the ambiguity of our relationship is probably freaking him out somewhat and I think he's probably also going to be rather freaked out if he's worked out how I feel about him (which is unlikely) and I know he's likely to have or be heading towards meltdown/shutdown because of the tension at home while also preparing to head back to work tomorrow.

I'm going to wait and see if he responds or even reads the message that I sent him (at his request, he asked me to message him and is now ignoring me which is also probably contributing to my annoyance) and see what the result of that is before I either withdraw somewhat, I can't withdraw completely because we have the same social circle and I do like being his friend but I would have to withdraw any other feelings I have towards him completely and tell him how I feel about how he's behaving or I wait and then tell him how I feel both about him and how he's behaving. Because either way I don't think it's right that I should have to stand for it and I am worthy of a basic response as a matter of respect. Especially when I've messaged him on his request.

I'm so confused and my head and heart hurt. I need some advice from you all. Do I walk away now or tell him how I feel.

Being autistic isn't an excuse, it's just rude ignoring you for no reason. I would walk away.

I would walk away. He is really no friend of yours either if he is treating you so very poorly here.

Ok I’m not autistic but sometimes with emotional situations I do slightly shut down and take a step back from responding to someone, not to be mean or distance myself but because I have no idea what to say and am scared of saying the wrong thing. So I say nothing until I can think clearly enough to say something I hope will be the right thing to say. So it isn’t always that someone is just rude or doesn’t care etc.

@Smellbellina, yes and I understand this, which is why I'm not going to make any decisions until he has (or hasn't) responded. I know that things are difficult for him right now but I won't put up with this from him indefinitely. He goes back to his own place tomorrow and work on the 7th so I'll give him till then with the benefit of doubt but I think if there has been nothing from him by then, I'll withdraw and then when he does reply, I feel I'll have no choice but to call him out on it.

@calmsealife, @AttilaTheMeerkat I know for a fact that he doesn't think that this is treating someone poorly. His only frame of reference for relationships is is parents and grandparents. All of which are relationships where the man has ran the house and very much been head of the household with what he says goes and the women doing as they're told or accepting being treated poorly. But I also know that he is terrified about turning into his father in that respect but that is very much the path he's going to go down.

Run a fucking mile and then keep running. You will have nothing but misery from this "relationship" should it continue.

@Aquamarine1029, thanks, I think I know this really, it's just really hard that I like him so much and can see that if he just grew up it would be fine. I think what makes it harder is that there's no way that I can cut contact with him entirely considering our social circle, which means I'm going to have to be the bigger person and deal with it without saying anything. I really don't want to involve our friends as it has nothing to do with them and I can't really call him out on his behaviour right now without looking petty.

Don't involve your friends, don't go looking for "closure", and don't call him out on anything because it simply doesn't matter. Nothing you do will make any difference. This man is no capable of being in a mature, thoughtful relationship. Just because he has autism doesn't mean you have to tolerate shit behaviour.

@Aquamarine1029, the only closure I need is acknowledging to myself that I'm worth more than that and can do better. I don't need a man to validate that for me, thankfully. Things are going to rather complicated though as he and I and two other friends have (before the ghosting) booked a holiday for this summer so hopefully he'll of pulled his head out of his arse by then.

OMG, run a mile. What you're using as justification for his behaviour "his only frame of reference for relationships is is parents and grandparents. All of which are relationships where the man has ran the house and very much been head of the household with what he says goes and the women doing as they're told or accepting being treated poorly." is the reason you should stop now and don't take this further. He may not want to turn into that, but it's incredibly hard to break that sort of programming.

It's absolutely not a justification for the way he behaves, and it will be no comfort to you when you're treated like crap as he recreates those relationships for himself. Don't go there.

You're still wanting to go on holiday with him?? Really?

@Aquamarine1029, it's already paid for and we won't get the money back. It's not our other friends fault that he's being difficult. Plus when he's not being an arse (this is the first time he's been like this) he's really good fun. I figure with two other people there we won't be on our own and things won't be difficult. If things get any worse beforehand I will most likely bow out of going or go and arrange to do separate things with my best friend who is going with us instead of going off in a four, which knowing her she'll be fine with.

@category12, his family is rather dysfunctional. When I was there before Christmas his mother was telling me how she and her mother in law often left their husbands to argue in one room or go out for coffee or for the day than stay with them and now they just don't see each other outside of weddings, funerals and christenings at all and I think he and his dad will end up like that. He isn't allowed to disagree with his dad at all and despite being in his 20's will be sent out of the room for doing so, otherwise they descend into screaming matches. His mum just agrees with his dad to keep the peace. Which makes me sad that in his dads eyes he can do no right, especially considering just how great he is really and being made to feel worthless isn't fair. Which is why I think I'm far more forgiving to him than he probably deserves, I can see things in him and that he is struggling with that he hides from everyone else, where everyone else just sees the barriers he puts up to keep people away. That doesn't mean I'm going to continue to allow him to treat me like crap though, and I think especially now a relationship with him isn't a good idea, but I will continue to be his friend I think.

Don't let your compassion lead you into a relationship with him, that's all. Relationships are not therapy and love has no transformative power. Only he could fix his issues, and I bet he's not doing anything about them.

@category12, I won't, unless/until he has fixed the issues I have I'm not going to get involved in that regard, but I can't not support him as a friend. I think part of the problem is his lack of thought. He genuinely doesn't think about how his actions affect others sometimes and is confused when they're hurt. Knowing him, he'll feel crap knowing that I'm hurt by this but not understand why I am.

Run away then run some more. Also read the Aspergers thread on this board for the misery that lies ahead if you pursue this.

@Sallygoroundthemoon, reading and just posted on there as well. Things would be far easier without feelings complicating matters.