Guilt at anything that could bring happiness. What to do?

[User284806]

I have deep rooted guilt at doing anything that makes me feel happy.

If something good is coming up, a holiday, a night out, buying a new outfit, anything big or small, I will also have overwhelming feelings of guilt and anxiety. For example, if I book a holiday I will then worry something bad is going to happen on the holiday because I don’t deserve it. If I buy a new outfit I worry I something bad will happen to me to counteract the good.

Crazy isn’t it. My family don’t help. Growing up my mum never did anything nice for herself - she does now and acknowledges that it is important to do so. But as a child I grew up thinking happinesss and enjoyment of life were small pockets of luxury, that had to be EARNED. And they were also short lived and happiness should not be in abundance.

I have a busy hard job and I work hard. I feel comfortable doing this, safe. But it isn’t happiness.

I want to break free and book a trip, do nice things. But I don’t want the guilt that comes with it.

Is it just practice? Or do I need actual help and therapy? I’ve just come to this realisation and really want to address it. Anyone else felt this?

Some religions are like this. Do you belong to a strict religion? Think Jehovah's Witnesses maybe.

No religion.

Just for as long as I can remember happiness is associated with fear and guilt and the coming of bad things.

Maybe that's what your parents taught you. No, happiness is enjoying the fruits of your own hard work, and therefore something you're entitled to. It's your reward.

Hi OP, I'm so glad you've posted this I've come to similar conclusions recently and discovered that it has a name (always a comfort to me!), Pleasure Anxiety.

There's heaps of useful reading about it (www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-creativity-cure/201606/if-you-fear-shun-or-avoid-pleasure) and it may have some sort of pyschological root for you or it may be something you can condition yourself out of with practise.

For myself I was brought up with no religion but very much 'a nice girl'. Nice girls are useful and always considerate of everyone else's needs before their own. Things like any new clothes had to be put away 'for best', extraordinary guilt about taking the last sweet etc. Small things but they build up and make feeling like you deserve everyday pleasure difficult because I always feel I should've offered someone else the thing first. Or my day wasn't worth wearing that new top in etc.

I hope I'm not projecting too much all over your thread. It came to a head this Christmas when my husband complained he genuinely had no idea what I wanted for Christmas (neither did I). I'm going to try and let little pleasures into my life bit by bit. Hoping that awareness might be enough to start reducing that familiar guilt/anxiety feeling.

You aren't alone - good luck! xx

There is a really good thread on this somewhere which I was trying to find in order to bump it for all the people who might be suffering this in relation to Christmas gifts. But I simply can’t remember who posted it.

It comes with practise. Anxiety fades as you do more things and allow yourself to work through the associated feelings, and you focus on creating new habits of thought and behaviour.

It really was a great thread, I’m going to have another look!

Thanks. That’s exactly how i feel... anything nice is saved for best. Absolute best. Ie never happens! And is not there for general enjoyment.

I feel comfortable in a crisis :(

At least you're aware of it and NY is a great time to start a really positive resolution of bringing pleasure into your life. Start small, maybe a quiet coffee, maybe a trip to a place you're interested in but the family aren't. Prioritising it is always the problem I find but I'm trying to push through that

I really hope you can get to grips with this in the new year . I have just read this out to my DH because he is so similar, but he was brought up a strict Catholic which he partly blames for his guilt. I think talking about it will help you and realising that many people are the same . Can you do yoga or something to create some me time ?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/3123909-A-help-me-use-my-nice-Christmas-things-thread-for-women-like-me-who-are-scared-to-own-lovely-things?pg=2

Set yourself a hierarchy of easiest to greatest challenges you could set yourself in this respect e.g put on best outfit for a day out, to supermarket, for sitting in house. Take a slightly larger share, last sweet. Ask people would they mind if you took the last sweet (they'll say no).

Work your way through the hierarchy and notice how you feel. It might not be a straight path and will be easy or hard work, but you might surprise yourself. Do it as an experiment. Take courage and pleasure in small gains. If you are struggling consider getting therapy.